Harvesting Hope from Heartache™

Grieving with Hope

2011-10-24T10:32:00.000-07:00

This is a truly inspiring story of one woman's journey in unseen faith!

Testimony to holding the Shield of Faith from Morning Star Church.

Have you taken up the shield of faith today?

My Next Book

2011-10-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

I'm often asked when I'm going to write my next book. In reality I've been in the process of writing a book on the life of Paul as encouragement for living with chronic pain and illness for probably close to 5 years now. Since Hannah's Hope took me about 10 years to write, that may not be such exciting news because it tells you I still have a very long way to go!

What I hope is more exciting, what I would like to ask you to partner with me in prayer as God continues to unfold His plan, is that this very blog is becoming a launching pad for what I feel God is turning into my "next" book. Yes, I'm continuing to work on the Paul book too, but over the past year God has me focusing more on an exploration of the Fruit of the Spirit and I've been working on a Bible study related to what He's teaching me.

How does the Fruit of the Spirit tie in with Harvesting Hope from Heartache? I'm glad you asked. ;) It all has to do with sowing seeds, gathering fruit, and ultimately what Source hope springs from. What better time to look to the Lord for help than in the midst of the trials? I'm very excited to see how God is tying so many themes together in my life as He's teaching me through Galatians 5 this year! I pray that this book will be as much of a blessing to you as the journey has been to me.

It is my current goal to have enough of this study written and ready to present to publishers that I can begin the query process around the end of the year or in the very early part of 2012. Will you join me in specific prayer that God will give me His words to write and that this project will unfold according to His will and in His perfect timing?

If you would like to stay updated about my progress, I've just opened a new Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/HarvestingHope and would love to have you "like" me over there. :) Feel free to pass this link along to your friends as well.

Womb Woven

2011-08-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

I just came across a new-to-me website this evening, called Womb Woven and Wonderfully Made. Here Angela Nazworth shares the realities of her Post Partum Mood Disorders as well as the hope of living she's found beyond her nervous breakdown.

Angela shares,

...this battle was even more severe than the first, which in my darkest moment found me lying on my living room floor in a literal puddle of my own tears plotting ways to end my life while making it appear accidental. That time I received just enough help to function. Just enough to fool me and those around me into thinking that I had it all together.

I think the fact that I did not receive enough help and intervention during my first perinatal struggles led to the intensification of my second battle, the battle that alarmed even a psychiatrist...

Angela goes on to share about her season of healing and how she learned to harvest hope from her heartache. She recently relaunched her blog under the new banner of Womb Woven and Wonderfully Made where she shares stories of hope and courage from many walks of life.

In the Shadow

2011-08-10T08:01:00.001-07:00

Misunderstood

2011-05-21T22:03:00.000-07:00

A friend recently pointed me to a fascinating article titled, The Most Misunderstood Woman in the Bible : Why Job's wife may have gotten a bad rap. Much of the article is speculation, but gives some wonderful historical and cultural perspective and food for thought such as,

Imagine the grief that overwhelmed her soul as she looked down in disbelief at ten freshly dug graves...

Clearly God chose to record her thoughts in Scripture, yet sometimes I wonder how fair it is to define an entire life based on one conversation. Nowhere before or after this incident are we given any indication that Job's wife was a perpetually bitter, unhappy wife...

Yet, if you listen to Job, you almost hear admiration. "You speak as one of the foolish women." He didn't say his wife was foolish. He didn't even say her words were foolish. He said, "She sounds like one of the foolish women."

In other words, "You don't sound like yourself." You might read these words like this: Sweetheart, that's not you talking. This doesn't sound like the woman of God I know and married. That is not you talking, my wife. Let's remember God's promises. Let's remember his goodness...

I would encourage you to read this powerful post!

Through the Valley

2011-05-11T07:02:00.000-07:00

Today I'm sharing two more windows into my past on the Hannah's Hope book blog (my struggle with depression) and on Held (God's grace to carry me through that dark valley).

If you or someone you love if caught in a similar struggle, these resources might help.

Suicide Prevention:

U.S. Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1-800-SUICIDE

International Suicide Prevention Listings - http://www.befrienders.org

General Depression Resources:

My Story, as posted here at Harvesting Hope last year.

Depression is Not a Sin (Focus on the Family)

Just Breathe (in)Courage

Common Cold of Emotional Illnesses

Women and Depression

Mental Health

Depression After Pregnancy Loss:

Is Miscarriage Supposed to be This Hard? (Focus on the Family)

Out of the Valley Post-Partum (Including Post-Miscarriage) Hope

It's Not Over

2011-04-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

So it's the day after Easter. All the excitement is over and it's back to the same-old-life, right?
Nope, this is just the beginning!!! And a simple napkin explains why...

When Simon Peter ran he to tomb, he noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus’ head was folded up and lying to the side.

Is that important? Absolutely! Is it really significant? Yes!

In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day. The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition...

Find out more at Why Did Jesus Fold the Napkin??? This story gave me chills (the good kind) and reminded me again of the amazing details that God never overlooks.

Same-Sex Struggles

2011-03-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

I was just blessed to listen to a wonderful testimony of hope and healing from a Christian woman who allowed God to restore His purpose for sexual wholeness after 20 years in lesbian relationships. I think of how much I love my husband and how devastating it would be to me if God called me to walk away from the man shared my life with for the past 20 years. I know He wouldn't but ask this of me, but hearing this woman's story gave me a new compassion for people who seek to obey the Lord's commands for sexual purity and marriage, yet feel devotion to long-held relationships that fall outside of God's will. Listen to a Journey Out of Sexual Brokenness here.

Raindrop Blessings, Healing Tears

2011-03-04T11:25:00.000-08:00

Laura Story has a story to tell, all right! Her new song, called Blessings, will be hitting the airwaves in April. Find out more about the song and Laura's story of discovering sometimes "God's blessings come through raindrops and healing comes through tears" at read the words here.

PPD Revisited

2011-02-12T22:42:00.000-08:00

We've talked about Post-Partum Depression here before. Today I was thrilled to run across an article by Dr. Heather Rupe, D.O., entitled Postpartum Depression: Not Just a Matter of ‘Bucking Up’ and Praying Harder. I found this overview to be basic, informative, straightforward and helpful, so wanted to point it out for anyone else who might be wondering about symptoms of PPD.

Inspired Women Radio

2010-12-16T18:17:00.000-08:00

Today I was blessed by the chance to chat with Diane Cunningham, founder of the National Association of Christian Women Entrepreneurs on her Inspired Women Radio program. We spent half an hour talking about how God can use us, no matter our circumstances. Grab your favorite drink and join us to be encouraged. :)

Desert Seasons

2010-11-20T09:21:00.000-08:00

Have you ever endured a really long "dry spell" in your relationship with God? It's hard to harvest much in a desert isn't it?

I once heard a sermon on "desert seasons" about the 40 years of wilderness wandering for the Jews, David's time of hiding out in the desert to escape King Saul's death threats during nearly 20 years of waiting for the fulfillment of his anointing as king, even Jesus' 40 days of fasting and temptation after He was baptized by John and spoken as God's "beloved Son" straight from heaven at the beginning of His earthly ministry. It is hard to go through spiritual deserts where the pursuit of fellowship with Him seems so dry and fruitless and pointless!

If it's any encouragement, you are not alone in these feelings. In fact I think it is a pretty common experience for maturing Christians where God allows us to "outgrow" that initial passion and have to lean on Him more "blindly" in faith at times. Praying that He will give you the courage to keep "going through the motions" as an act of obedience, even when your heart doesn't feel like you are connecting, and that He will bring you through this "desert" (or "deserted" feeling?) time with renewed hope and purpose for the next season of your journey with Him.

Following God Through the Trials is a beautiful article I read this morning, further reflecting on these desert seasons. I pray it will bless you as it has me. Then go on to Storms in the Desert and be reminded that the Living Water will never leave you or forsake you, even when you don't "feel" Him near. {{{hug}}}

Harvest of Righteous

2010-09-22T16:02:00.000-07:00

"Joni and Friends" International Disability Center offers great insights on Harvesting Hope from Heartache in this short (under 4 minute) radio segment on God as our Harvester. Joni explains the farming history behind the word "tribulations" and references two books I've been spending a lot of time in recently, James and 2 Corinthians. Take a quick break to refresh your heart with this encouraging message at http://www.joniandfriends.org/radio/2010/9/17/separating-chaff/

Encouragement Day

2010-09-11T21:23:00.000-07:00

Sept. 12 is National Day of Encouragement. To mark this day, DaySpring was kind enough to encourage me by sending a package of 10 beautiful cards so that I could, in turn, pass encouragement on to some friends. As cards spilled out onto my bed, I was delighted to see how God had inspired the card authors and artists to match the unique needs and personalities of several specific friend. Names popped to mind one after another as I quickly made a list of those who could use a reminder that they are loved and important and prayed for right now:

- a few friends for whom life has not gone as planned

- some grieving friends, including an elderly woman in a nursing home and the husband of a dear friend, both whom lost spouses to cancer within the past year

- a family fighting for hope in the face of long-term unemployment

- several battling cancer, recovering from recent surgeries, or fighting chronic health challenges

- someone courageously journeying through depression

- a couple of thank yous to friends who have been a faithful encouragers to me in the past

- someone who is learning to be a "single mom" in the midst of painful separation from her husband

In fact I was so encouraged at the idea of dropping hugs and prayers in the mailbox that I soon found myself selecting additional cards and addressing more envelopes. Most fun of all, I addressed a card that I think we be of special encouragement to a whole group of ladies who are closely connected. I included instruction for them to forward it on from one to the next, adding their own notes along the way, until the card has circulated to this entire group who is in need of a dose of extra encouragement at the moment. I'll tuck a book of stamps inside before I seal the envelope to help accomplish this goal. :)

In addition to being National Day of Encouragement, we are also entering National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and this year's theme is "each one reach one." Is there one person for whom you can find a small way of offering encouragement today? Perhaps send her an eCard, leave a sticky note, or check out comments at (in)Courage to see how others are offering encouragement today.

Are you in need encouragement? Please leave a comment and let me know how I can be praying for you!

Infertile in Colorado?

2010-09-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

If you are (or know) a Christian woman living near Denver/Colorado Springs and are currently living through the daily heartache of primary infertility (no living children), could you please email me at jsaake AT yahoo DOT com immediately? A producer for Focus on the Family is looking to speak with someone in that area and I would like to put you two in contact with one another.

Family Life w/ Chronic Illness

2010-08-20T02:41:00.000-07:00

I posted some updates on my personal blog yesterday about some exciting finding for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (and potentially for a host of other neruo-immune, auto-immune and related conditions). (If you haven't heard much about the newly discovered human retrovirus XMRV, in the same family as HIV, read here first.)

If you are living with any kind of chronic health condition, you know the exhausting fatigue of just trying to "do life". Doing it well, doing it to your satisfaction, doing it to the fulfillment of your dreams, seems out of the question when pure survival is your state of being. What are your personal tips for "doing life well" within your limitations? Your limits might be financial, physical, health or other, but I would love to hear how you have risen to the challenge of harvesting hope in the midst of your heartache!

It was encouraging to me to read one such story this week as a reminder that not only am I not alone in these feelings of frustration, but that there are others "doing life well" while sick. It offered me hope that I might be able to better do the same. I honestly can't say I'm anywhere near where this woman is in my organizational skills (then again, she references a "sick day on the couch" as if it isn't her common state of being as it is for me), so I glean what I can from her story and don't burden myself with the rest. (Fertility-sensitive warning: Children and parenthood are referenced both directly and indirectly in the following resource.)

Making a House a Home When You Are Chronically Ill (and Chronically Fatigued!)

What's Your Sign?

2010-08-15T14:39:00.000-07:00

People frequently ask me, "What's your sign?"

For years I didn't know the answer because I do not believe in the Zodiac. I've had enough people inform me over the years that I now know I'm classified as a "leo" but I would much rather claim the Lion of Judah, the Creator of all constellations, as the Answer to why I have the unique personality traits He has given me.

What's my sign? I choose the sign of the fish.

What's my sign? I choose the sign of the cross.

What's your sign?

ADA

2010-07-26T18:19:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 20th anniversary of the signing of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) into law. There's a great op ed article for CNN written by Joni Eareckson Tada today, linked along with a few specific prayer requests at Joni and Friends:
http://www.joniandfriends.org/blog/monday-july-26th-update-joni/

Calming Storms in My Heart

2010-07-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

Contentment with Great (Weight) Gain

2010-07-06T09:12:00.000-07:00

I posted this to my InfertilityMom and beauty blogs last week, and wow does it seem to have struck a nerve! I try not to usually cross post the same thing on more than a couple of blogs, but it sounds like this is one that has met a lot of hurting hearts right where they live, and so I share it here as well....

I've gained weight the past year and a half. A lot of weight. I was asked three times last week if I was pregnant because I'm carrying most of that weight right out front in my belly. I've had a hysterectomy and dealt with weight gain from medications and many medical issues. There's no doubt that my hormones are way out of balance. I weight more than 50 pounds more today than I did when I was pregnant with our daughter eight years ago. About 40 of those pounds have been packed on the past 20 months.

I am frustrated. I don't like my body. I don't like getting dressed. I don't like getting undressed even more. I have stacks of clothes I can't get into, some now 3 or 4 sizes too small, that I've been stashing away for when I can get the pound off.

Today I'm choosing a new attitude. Yes, I would still like to shed some weight, for health, for self-esteem, for so many reasons. But the fact is, this is my body right now. The same Holy Spirit lives inside this broken temple who lived here when I was at my healthiest, most fit, most attractive days. I can make choices that will keep this body as well-conditioned as I am able, but honestly some of this is simply beyond my control.

So today I went through all my clothes, those horded away for someday and those still hanging in my closet, many ill-fitting even though I try to still squeeze into them. To my delight I found a few things I honestly didn't think would fit that still work nicely. :) I kept about 5 things that are very near to fitting, just a tiny snug right now, because if I can loose a few pounds and under-grow what I have, I still have a tiny cushion of options before I hit yard sales and consignment stores for smaller sizes.

I sorted and organized all the rest and can walk into my closet and know that absolutely anything I pull off the hanger will fit on this body and I won't have to fight through five or six outfit changes (and accompanying tears and words of self-loathing) just to get dressed in the morning. And as a bonus, I now get to bless some friends with an abundance of clothing that can be enjoyed again, no longer a source of frustration to their owner.

But godliness with contentment is great gain.

- 1 Timothy 6:6

Father, please grant me contentment in my "great gain" that I can have a heart to fully embrace the body you have given me and glorify you with it, just as I am.

Storms

2010-06-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

Homelessness

2010-06-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

It's a problem all across our country, evidence by the huddled lump under the blanket as I drive under the freeway overpass, the man on the corner with the cardboard sign, the lady with way too many layers of clothing who is pushing her shopping cart down the sidewalk laden with all her worldly possessions.

It's such a big problem. What can I do? What should I do? I don't want to be scammed. I don't want to enable someone in their drinking or drug addiction. I don't want to turn a blind eye either. What's the answer?

These questions were recently addressed in a straight-from-the-heart confession by Lysa Terkeurst over at (in)Courage. As I read through her story and remembered a few of my own encounters with people in need, I realized it was time to share these stories with you as well.

One bitterly cold winter evening several years ago, we drove past an elderly man on the corner, icicles dripping off his beard. We had only the length of the red light to make a decision and chose to drive on when the color changed to green. We knew in our hearts God was calling us to do more but let the rush of holiday excitement stand in our way. A couple hours later we left our party and went back to find him so we could pay for a cheep motel room for the night, but we couldn't track him down.

To this day I can't help but wonder if he wasn't an "angel unaware" that we failed to offer the hospitality God so clearly prompted us to give. I've never been able to pass another cardboard sign without deep conviction that God calls us to reach out to the hopeless and needy, sometimes in small ways, sometimes more.

We pray for each person we encounter who seems to be in need and have a family policy that if it is within our power to help, that will be our default plan. We have, at times, bought meals or even given cash, as God prompts our hearts. More than once we have passed someone, driven on to the nearest fast food drive-through, then circled back around to go out of our way to hand a lunch out the window. (Our kids have felt "doubly blessed" the couple of times that we've had a bag full of fast food goodies then not been able to track the person they were purchased for back down and the kids have fallen to the task of eating the food for us.) I've heard of many other creative alternatives like friends who carry fast food $5 gift card to share with those in need.

As we pray for people, there are rare times God gives us peace to refrain from giving in that circumstance (simple inability to physically get to a person who is out of our flow of traffic, personal safety for ourselves and our children, or outright lack of peace that giving is what we are called to do in that particular situation), but overall we believe that unless God is telling us NOT to give, that His commandment to give is clear. I have no doubt we have been scammed a few times, but that's between the other person and God. I'm only responsible to act in obedience as God calls me.

Our church introduced us to the concept of Manna Bags. We now carry Ziplock bags in our car containing a bottle of water, a couple of protein bars, socks (sock are like gold if you live on the street, even in the heat of summer), dried fruit, etc. You could add things like toothbrush, travel size toiletries, or whatever else God puts on your heart. Check out this list of ideas.

The name being Manna Bags acknowledges that this little bag will not change anyone's world, but like manna, it can be God's provision to meet his or her physical needs for this one day. I may not be able to make a huge dent in the plight of homelessness or meet an ongoing need for any one person, but just like in the Starfish Story, I can bring a glimmer of hope to one person for one day. When I gave out a Manna Bag in a parking lot last week, the man had totally eaten his first granola bar before I even made it back to the car - no doubt he was truly hungry. As so often happens, it was the socks that really got him excited and brought tears to his eyes.

I'm also working on a list of area missions and shelters and soups kitchens and such, along with addresses and phone numbers, that we can enclose in the bag along with a written prayer so that hopefully we can help direct people to more long-term solutions. I long to help meet the needs of spiritual hunger as well as physical and continue to pray about what kinds of resources I might include that will fill this void. Please share your suggestions and ideas to help me in this!

I'll never forget the day I had just taken our kids to a special bakery and bought a loaf of gourmet bread for three times what I normally would pay in the grocery store. It was warm and fresh and we each savored a single piece as soon as we got to the car, anticipating the rest with our dinner. Pulling out of the parking lot we spotted a couple shivering by the stop sign. I had nothing in the car to give but that treasured loaf of bread and even though it was a treat they loved, my kids didn't think twice. I pointed out the couple and before I could even ask what we should do I heard from the backseat, "Roll down the window Mommy. We still have most of our loaf of bread!"

It's hard to say what that couple thought of a partially eaten loaf of bread, though I think they were hungry enough that they seemed genuinely thankful to receive it. But watching my kids give from the depths of their hearts meant more to me than a million dollars, and scam or no scam, we were all richer for the experience! "The people who needed our bread" was something they joyfully talked about for years.

"Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."
- James 2:15-17

Please share with me your stories. How have you been blessed by the kindness of a stranger? How have you made a positive difference in someone's life, even if only for one day? Have you witnessed creative ways we can bring comfort and hope as the hands and feet of Christ. I would love to hear what YOU have to say!

Painful Father's Day

2010-06-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

Thanking God that He is:
- the Healer of broken dreams
- the Redeemer of pain
- the Man of Sorrows who is acquainted with grief
- the God who see
- the Father who loves us so fiercely that He willingly enter into the world of bereavement when He paid the price of my adoption with the life of His only biological child...

May the God of All Comfort enfold you tangibly with His overwhelming love this Father's Day.

Your Help?

2010-06-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

My book, Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss has been nominated by the oldest, and one of the largest, infertility support networks in the nation, as one of the top four "best" infertility books for 2010. Their selections are now open for public vote and I would so appreciate if if you would take a moment and visit www.resolve.org/vote to cast a vote for Hannah's Hope in the "best book" category. Thank you so very much!!!

Where Can I Find Support?

2010-06-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

My desire for Hope Harvesters™ is to offer resources and support that shower my readers with Christ's comfort in the face of life's deepest heartaches and losses. Every now and then I try to post reviews for new readers so you know where to turn for various kinds of support.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
- 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

If you are hurting, you are not alone. If your need isn't addressed here, please let me know what other kinds of resources you would like me to address in the future. Please follow these links (you will have to scroll down past today's post to find additional posts for each tag) for:

Cancer (The entire list of posts that will pull up from this tag are helpful, but the Nov. 11, 2009 post may be your best starting point.)

Chronic Illness

Depression

Grief

Infertility

My blog for Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss has recently been relaunched at www.HannahsHopeBook.blogspot.com offering support for a full range of fertility challenges.

InfertilityMom is my "most personal blog" sharing thoughts from basically every aspect of my life, ranging from being an after-infertility mom to writing, living with chronic illness, and homeschooling.

Given Me a Thorn is one of my newer ventures, a place to talk about my current writing on the life of Paul and living victoriously through chronic pain/illness. I don't know what my publisher will select as the finished title of this book, but my working title is "Given a Thorn" thus the blog reflects this concept. Here I include a few prayer requests, updates, and devotional links on Paul or illness such as the one I posted today. Obviously I hope to be much more active there as the book draws closer to publication.

InnerBeautyGirlz isn't really a "support" blog, but I pray it is a place where you will be uplifted. It is a cross between promotional posts for the companies I represent as a consultant (mineral makeup, Christian jewelry) and inspirational/devotional posts about beauty. It is my desire to have at least half of the posts be from the inspirational side, but I sometimes go through stages where I'm just too exhausted to keep up fresh content, so I will forewarn you that sometimes it's more heavily weighted toward only sale, discount codes and product promotion than I would like. It is my "fun" outlet and I really do enjoying sharing God's perspective on living in beauty for Him.

Free CD

2010-05-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

Joni and Friends is offering a free CD featuring five songs sung by Joni: "The God I Love," "Praise My Soul," "Sometimes," "Joni's Waltz," and "May I Borrow Your Hands?," a duet with her husband, Ken. There is an opportunity for you to make a donation to Joni and Friends when you place your order, but it truly is a free, no-strings-attached offer that I pray will encourage you when you head over and request you copy.

Christians Get Depressed

2010-05-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

Continuing with our series on depression, today I am please to share a guest blog from my dear friend, Lisa Copen, founder of Rest Ministires.

Over and over I still hear from people who have been told, “If your faith was strong enough, you wouldn’t get that depressed. Jesus can heal you of that if you really want Him to.”

Oh, how sad that makes me. One reason is that I do believe that speaking to a counselor can make a difference. Like any profession, there are some good counselors, and some not-so-good, so ask for referrals from your loved ones, mentors, or church leadership. But don’t let the stigma or the expectations that Christians don’t get depressed prevent you from seeking counsel if you are feeling “blue.” (And there are many definitions of that light-hearted word “blue.”)

There is a large spectrum of depression and yes, Christians get depressed just like anyone else. I won’t share the depressing statistics with you about chronic illness and how it can impact marriages, you relationships, and your ability to cope with other stress factors in life. But let’s just say that living with illness is HARD and you should never be ashamed to seek out a counselor to get you through a difficult time.

Let me say that again (because I recently spoke to someone who kept apologizing for the fact that she was seeing a counselor)… it’s OKAY to talk to someone about what you are going through.

The best thing you can do is make sure that it is a counselor who you respect and who has the same biblical beliefs that you do. Ask people you respect, including your pastor or parish nurse who they would recommend. If you can find a god referral you can find a Christian counselor list at www.ncca.org (National Christian Counselors Association) and www.aacc.net (American Association of Christian Counselors).

And remember, just because a Christian is a counselor, doesn’t mean he or she is the right counselor for you. If you feel it’s not working or helping, don’t be afraid to find someone who can better meet your needs.

Don’t delay putting off counseling until you are feeling suicidal or making a major life-changing decision like leaving your family.

Proverbs 4:5 says, “Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them.” It can be a blessing to get counsel from others, and pray for wisdom from the Lord.

Lisa Copen is the founder of Rest Ministries and has lived with rheumatoid arthritis since 1993.

Read more: http://restministries.com/2010/05/10/yes-christians-get-depressed/#ixzz0nv9nDCjH

Source: www.restministries.com

Living With Chronic Pain

2010-05-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

I've shared many portions of my story here in the past. Today I shared more details about both my struggle with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and our a bit of the background of our infertility journey over on my InfertilityMom blog.

Do you live with chronic pain? Please share your story. How may I pray for you?

Or maybe your pain isn't physical, but that of a heart crushed by grief instead? If you are a parent (or know one) who has lost a child, please visit my Heaven Born links for several healing give-aways today.

Brokenhearted Mother's Day

2010-05-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day is portrayed by the greeting card companies as a day of flowers and joy. I am blessed to be looking forward to just such a day this coming Sunday, complete with hand-print cards lovingly painted by my babies. But this was not what May looked like for me for many years. And this is not what Sunday will look like for many friends and loved ones this year either.

Both my mom and my mother-in-law (both of whom have blessed us with their loving gift of motherhood, and both of them still alive and healthy) have each lost their own moms in recent years. Watching them go through this grief makes my heart ache. And then there are the men and women my own age and younger who have already lost their parents and I can't comprehend the reality of going through adulthood without the wisdom of my parents even now. I lost a dear friend this year, someone that faced infertility with me - I feel nearly unable to breath at the thought of her sweet, long-awaited, much-prayed-for children facing this (and every future) Mother's Day without her. Death is so utterly ugly and unfair!

Some are grieving this year because they never had a safe or loving relationship with the woman who may (or may not) have been physically present in their lives, but really never was a "Mom". Others are grieving because their children have wandered far and have locked their moms out of their lives. And many of us carry the weight of empty arms, either due to infertility or the deaths of our children. If this Sunday brings anguish to your heart, please know you are in my prayers.

If you are facing infertility and/or pregnancy/infant loss grief, I've recently relaunched a couple of resources that I pray will be a blessing to you:
Hannah's Hope Book blog (had been silent for most of the past year, relaunched with several new posts including a series specifically for Mother's Day)
My Facebook Page

Side Effects May Cause Laughter

2010-05-04T13:35:00.000-07:00

We've been talking about the very important issue of depression recently. For a change of pace, today I thought it was high time to look at the lighthearted side of living with chronic illness. Enjoy this 6 minute clip from my sweet friend, Lisa Copen. :)

Vote for me as a Health Hero?

2010-05-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

I was blessed to be nominated as a Woman's Health Hero and I need your help! (Head's up to my friends who are sensitive to mentions of pregnancy, the sponsors of this award do promote pregnancy-related books on their website, so please be for-warned before following this link.) Out of all entries, just 20 names will be inducted into a Health Hall of Fame. Two Hall-of-Fame selections will receive special honors as either Staff Pick or Audience Choice award determined by the public (that's you!).

You will be allowed to vote on all entries between now and May 14 (extended one week from the prior May 7 deadline), 2010. The entry that receives the highest overall ranking will win the Audience Choice award. Last year's Audience Choice winner was my dear friend Lisa Copen from Rest Ministries. I would be delighted to add a similar honor to my "resume" as I continue working on writing my book on the life of Paul as encouragement for living with chronic pain/illness.

Will you please help me by heading to www.ourbodiesourblog.org/blog/2010/05/comforting-those-with-fertility-challenges-jenni-saake and selecting the "thumbs up" voting button at the bottom of my profile? Thank you so much! :)

When Pregnancy (or Lack of) Brings Depression

2010-04-30T10:13:00.000-07:00

This week I shared my own journey through depression, sometimes related to chronic illness, other times to infertility or miscarriage, and most recently in the wake of pregnancy and for two years post-partum. Today I want to specifically share a resource for post-partum depression or PPD.

Living Beyond Postparutm Depression: Help and Hope for the Hurting Mom and Those Around Her by Jerusha Clark is a fantastic read for anyone considering trying to conceive. Hopefully you will never need the information there, but it is a good tool to have available and information to be aware of even prior to conception - I truly wish I had known about it before we miscarried Noel or before our living daughter's pregnancy/birth as I think I would have been armed with the information I needed to seek help and prevent much heartache.

One thing I greatly appreciate about Jerusha's book was that even though she herself has not faced infertility or pregnancy loss, she does acknowledge both issues, providing facts that are often overlooked in many PPD resources. While she does not address these issues in depth, she shares that, "PPD can afflict women after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or abortion." She also sites sources to explain that because of "exposure to artificial hormones and psychological stressors" that women undergoing infertility treatment "are at a high risk for developing depression. Approximately 25 to 30 percent of women undergoing treatment for fertility are clinically depressed before becoming pregnant and PPD affects a great number of these women after delivery." These were issues I had long-observed but never seen medically verified, so it was refreshing to find these references in this book.

If you are currently experiencing PPD, I would actually suggest that you ask a loved one (husband, supportive mother, best friend) to read Living Beyond for or with you. Knowing my own personality, I must be honest and say that if I had read it during PPD, because I was in the functional mild-moderate range of illness, while I would have gleaned much helpful information, some portions of the book might have added to my weight of guilt/concern. I do not say this because anything presented us untrue, invalid or even unkind, but because the book is very honest about the burden PPD places on family members and I tend to be guilt-driven very easily, even when in a healthy frame of mind. Likewise, had I read it after miscarriage I think I could have gained a lot of healing encouragement, but would also have found the passages about mothering a newborn quite hard to bear.

Having said all that, Living Beyond is still the most extensive and helpful resource I've found for understanding all the various facets and kinds of depression and what can be successfully done to help properly treat the condition. And I definitely need to note that while PPD refers to depression that comes post-pregnancy, many of the principles there are equally applicable to any form of depression, even those not related to the physical/hormonal shifts of pregnancy, so I would consider this book valuable reading for all women and married couples along with the husbands (Especially!!!), fathers, brothers, pastors or other men in positions to support women through this journey.

Note of disclaimer:
I received no financial compensation for this post, however I did receive a free review copy of Living Beyond Postpartum Depression from the publisher, NavPress. This review is fully my personal opinion and was not reviewed by the book author nor publisher prior to publication.

It's Depressing

2010-04-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

Today on Facebook I came across the following status update:

DEPRESSION is not a sign of weakness it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long. Put this as your status if you know someone who has or has had depression. Most people wont, but its mental health week and 1 in 3 of us will suffer some point in our lives. Show your support...♥

Depression is something very few people are willing to talk about, but I believe it impacts many more people than most of us realize. I can't even count the number of times, several just within the past few weeks, where women have sat down with me and secretly shared their struggles with depression. It's a journey clouded in shame, something we worry others will look down on us for, judge us over. Sometimes we hide behind a facade of being outgoing, the life of the party. Sometimes it drives us deeper into our own shells.

For much too long the church as a whole has perpetuated the idea that depression is rooted in the sinful inability or unwillingness to allow God to bring joy to our hearts. I do believe that depression often is entangled with spiritual struggles, but often broken spirits comes as a result of the imbalanced hormones and true medical issues that trigger depression in the first place.

I hope to provide several resources for coping with depression in coming posts, but today I want to start simply by letting you know that if you are facing depression, you are not alone. And so I'll start by opening my heart and sharing my own story, beginning in 1991/92. At this time I don't believe I was living in full-time depression, but I did experience frequent, terrifying panic attacks in conjunction with hormonal imbalance triggered by the onset of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I developed a host of fears and phobias and cried frequently, but also had times that were very upbeat and joyful.

As we progressed into 1993/94, joy evaporated. I sunk into a deep, black depression in the wake of infertility grief and all the daily losses of learning to live with debilitating chronic illness. At my lowest, I seriously entertained thoughts of suicide on a regular basis. :( God used my husband, Scriptures and the book The Ache for a Child by Debra Bridwell to begin my healing.

In hindsight I would highly encourage anyone who is where I was then to immediately seek medical and emotional aid though frank conversation with a competent physician and solid, Christ-centered counseling. It is truly a testament of God's grace that when I did not know enough about depression to understand how desperately I needed that help, that God, Himself the Great Physician and Wonderful Counselor, stepped in and brought about the miraculous healing I needed. Hannah's Prayer Ministries was born as a result of this season when God brought me up out of the pit, out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death and set my feet on a firm place to stand beside the quiet waters.

After our first miscarriage (Dec. 94) I had a different depressive episode lasting about 5 months. This time I was simply was void of feeling. Unlike the utter lost-ness, despair and hopelessness of the prior depression, this new grief-based depression over the death of our first daughter left me unable to laugh, cry, smile, be angry or "feel" anything - I simply was numb month after month. My breakthrough and healing here began with the final admission to myself that we had indeed been blessed with parenthood, even if only for a short season on this earth. To actually hear myself say, "I had a miscarriage," a statement that brought about days of gut-wrenching and unstoppable torrent of tears, was a huge milestone. Choosing a name of our daughter, thus "giving her an identity" I could relate to, was another step in overcoming this round of depression and beginning to work through healthy stages of grief.

Noel would be nearly 15 now and I still miss her, grief being a life-long journey. But my depression in the wake of her death was more than just a "stage of grief" and would be medically classified as postpartum depression (PPD), though I had no bring-home baby at the end. I still do not fully understand why, of all our 10 very painful losses, it was only Noel's death that triggered a full depressive experience like this, though I think some issues like our infertility, the fact that she was my first and (at that time) only child, and other life circumstances may have all been contributing factors.

Over the years depression has visited me in milder and shorter seasons, off and on, at various times, often linked to hormonal changes or health complications. My latest real journey through depression came with the conception and birth of our daughter who is now 7. (She is our second our of 3 living miracles.) This time ANGER best defined my experience of peri/post-partum depression. There were many elements that set the stage for this struggle, including secondary infertility, 2 miscarriages a year prior to her conception, a major surgery just a couple months before her conception, significant hormonal imbalance, having to stop our planned adoption due to pregnancy, high risk pregnancy with ongoing perterm labor scares and 13 weeks of bedrest, and out-of-control migraines during her first year or so of life.

It wasn't until after her 2nd birthday that I began to truly feel a connection with this sweet little girl I had prayed and longer for my entire life. I wasn't until after the birth of her little brother the week of her 3rd birthday, when I experienced the normal joys of new motherhood again, that I fully began to grasp and appreciate all I had missed out on, emotionally, over the prior three years. I was a functional mom while dealing with depression, falling into the mild to moderate spectrum of PPD this time, but it was an ugly journey non-the-less. My heart aches for several friends who have experienced postpartum (or any other kind of) depression at deeper levels, including several who have been hospitalized for their own protection (as I likely could have been in the early 90s).

If you or someone you love is walking through the valley of depression, please know you are not alone! Depression is not a sign of spiritual lack or weakness and it is a battle that can be won. Keep watching this blog for future posts spotlighting depression and offering helpful resources. And since the Bible has been my Light through my darkest days of depression (though I have to admit to actually throwing God's Holy Word across the room in my anguish a time or two) I would love to invite you to share the Scriptures that have most blessed and encouraged you in the comments section below.

All About Me?

2010-04-19T09:28:00.001-07:00

How quickly I loose focus. How quickly mankind forgets, becomes self-centered:

At the Last Supper, Jesus passed the bread and cup then said,

21-22"Do you realize that the hand of the one who is betraying me is at this moment on this table? It's true that the Son of Man is going down a path already marked out—no surprises there. But for the one who turns him in, turns traitor to the Son of Man, this is doomsday."

23They immediately became suspicious of each other and began quizzing one another, wondering who might be about to do this.

24-26Within minutes they were bickering over who of them would end up the greatest. But Jesus intervened: "Kings like to throw their weight around and people in authority like to give themselves fancy titles. It's not going to be that way with you. Let the senior among you become like the junior; let the leader act the part of the servant.

-Luke 22, The Message (emphasis added)

One minute worried about Christ, suspicious of one another. In the blink of an eye they forget why they were even arguing in the first place, Whom they were trying to protect. SELF takes priority over the His Lordship. Pride and greed eclipse protection and love.

I'm writing about them. I'm writing about me. *sigh* It's so easy to loose focus and forget. Lord, please help me to love with Your grace, protect with Your passion, choose my battles to Your honor, and remember that it's really about You, not me!!!

Consider the Clovers

2010-04-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

Growing in God’s Flower Garden is a sweet reminder by Lisa Copen of Rest Ministries, that we are never "overlooked" or insignificant to God. Take a moment to read it and be encouraged today. :)

...Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow...
- Matthew 6:28

Ecstasies and Intimacies

2010-04-07T07:44:00.000-07:00

I've been reading through "The Message" for devotional time this year. I know it is a paraphrase, not a true translation, but I love getting a fresh wording on Truth I've read in traditional translations for years. This morning I read:

Jesus said, "Marriage is a major preoccupation here, but not there. Those who are included in the resurrection of the dead will no longer be concerned with marriage nor, of course, with death. They will have better things to think about, if you can believe it. All ecstasies and intimacies then will be with God. Even Moses exclaimed about resurrection at the burning bush, saying, 'God: God of Abraham, God of Isaac, God of Jacob!' God isn't the God of dead men, but of the living. To him all are alive."
- Luke 20:34-38

This was Jesus' answer to the Sadducees who were trying to say there was no Resurrection and trap Him with a question about a woman who had been married and widowed repeatedly, asking whose wife she would be in Heaven. I've emphacised the parts that just jumped off the page to me though, that death, something that's certainly been a "major preoccupation" for me, won't even be something I take time out to think about in Heaven. How amazing is that!? Praising the Lord that He will wipe away every tear when death is swallowed up in ultimate Victory!

Worry About Tomorrow

2010-03-31T13:35:00.000-07:00

I've been consumed by worry, living in fear lately. I'm not going to try to get eloquent here, just let God's Word wash over and remind me...

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

- Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

Thorns, Weeds, Give-away and Hope

2010-03-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

Dealing with infertility, pregnancy loss or adoption struggles or know someone who is? I came across a give-away for my book, Hannah's Hope, on the Life {Sweet} Life blog today, open through April 1! The blog author, Sarah, is currently pregnant, but has a heart for those still walking the road of infertility.

Sarah's also got some great things to say about FamilyLife Weekend to Remember. Read my review here or between April 5-26, 2010, register for any upcoming Spring or Fall Weekend to Remember using the promotion code "INVITE" and go for 1/2 price, only $129/couple!

I'm still praying my way through the life of Paul, thus giving a lot of thought to thorns and weeds. Today's post at (in)Courage, Ellie and the Weeds is a sweet reminder to let God be our gardener. (To my infertility/loss friends, the article is built sweet conversations between a mother and her 3-year-old, but this mother has also suffered infant death if this knowledge makes the sweet exchange more readable for you).

I would like to ask your specific prayers for protection over me and for my family as I venture deeper into my Paul writing. I'm starting to see signs that satan's not happy with what God's wanting to accomplish through this book and he's trying to attack us, invading my dreams with ugly images, taking reign over my tongue in ugly words that tear down my loving husband, and bringing a spirit of disorder and discord into our home. In a way I'm thankful for these attacks only because they affirm that I must be on the right track if the old snake would take the time to try to sideline us, but I also know God longs for us to come running to Him with our fears and frustrations, and so I ask you to join me prayer for God to be glorified in and through our family in a time of spiritual warfare.

Would you pray with me that the Lord will keep us steadfast in Him and bring joy and harmony to our home as He speaks truth to me and helps me to rightly divide His Word to share with hearts broken through chronic physical pain and illness? If you would like to join me as a prayer partner for this newest writing project, please leave me a note here or email me at jsaake AT yahoo DOT com and I'll send you periodic prayer updates as the book project continues to unfold. Thank you!

Intimate Rain

2010-03-28T09:15:00.000-07:00

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree

- Joyce Kilmer

The line that jumps out to me here is, "Who intimately lives with rain." While I've mentioned it before, I can't help but think of Holley Gerth's encouraging devotional book, Rain on Me: Devotions of Hope and Encouragement for Difficult Times. If you haven't had a chance to read this book yet, I know you will be blessed when you do. I just ordered another two copies to share with friends. Let us intimately live with God, both in the blessings and the rain, Harvesting Hope together in Him.

Temporary Home

2010-03-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

"Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it. Don't indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they'll be won over to God's side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives."
2 Peter 2:11-12 (The Message)

Need Your Help for My Next Book

2010-03-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know I have been "in the early stages" of writing a book on the life of Paul, specifically his "thorn in the flesh" for the past few years. It is to be an encouraging resource for living with chronic pain and illness. I've been reading, researching, jotting notes, gathering ideas, but for a very long time now it's been only that, a collection of thoughts and ideas that did very little to resemble any attempt at an actual book manuscript. I've been anxious to move forward, but felt over and over that God was telling me to wait. And so I have.

I still don't know how soon, or how far I will make progress, but over the past few weeks I've seen God very gently start taking my random collection of concepts and begin the thrilling process of shaping them into the skeleton of a book outline. I'm hesitant to say I'm actually "writing a book" yet because it's still very early in the process, but I am encouraged that ideas are starting to be pulled together in some semblance of order and I'm hopeful that there may really be a manuscript at the end of this process.

As I wrote Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss, I ended each chapter with a "Burden Bearers" section, based on the story of the four friends who carried the paralyzed man to Jesus and lower him through the roof for healing, along with the concept that God commands us to bear one another's burdens. It was a short section that gave ideas, instruction and insight to friends, family and loved ones of a couple facing fertility challenges.

I would like to do a similar thing with this new book and base chapter closings on various characters who touched Paul's life, men like Timothy, Barnabas and so forth. I would spotlight one "hero" per chapter and look at things that person can teach us about encouraging someone through their thorns.

So here's what I need from you. Please let me know what you would call such sections? I don't want to reuse "Burden Bearer" for this is a new book with a new goal and while I'm copying the concept, I feel like the sections themselves need a unique title. I've played with ideas like "Fellow Travels," "Helping Heroes," "Heroes of Hope" and others, but so far nothing really feels like the right fit. A couple of recurrent themes I plan to use through the book are blindness v/s light/sight (with a different twist than you might expect) and gardening/harvesting v/s thorns/weeds. I'm tossing that out there in case either of these topics help point to a section title idea.

I would also like to start doing monthly testimony spotlights here, spotlighting the lives of people who have touched or influenced my life, sometimes directly, sometimes just in passing by learning of their ministries on the Internet or the personal difference they made in the life of one friend. These are people who are real and flawed and living out daily struggles, but finding joy, Harvesting Hope™ in the midst of the journey. I will probably use the same title for those spotlights as I will use in the working copy of a manuscript (realizing that these section titles will be open to alternative titling by my publisher when the manuscript is reviewed by them).

Please share your suggestions. If you submit one between now and the end of April and I end up selecting it as my blog/section title, I've got a small gift I would like to send your way, so please leave me a valid email address so I can contact you for mailing information if I select you title!

Passover Give Away

2010-03-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

Today I discovered this beautiful Messianic Passover line of serving dishes, devotional guides, candlesticks and more, by DaySpring. (To comply with disclosure laws, no, they didn't ask me to promote them, pay me anything to mention them, or offer me free product for review. ;) I'm just excited and want to pass on my find to you!) I love these tangible symbols and tools that can be used as object lessons and ongoing reminders of what hope is truly all about: the sacrifice, pain and willing grief of a King who would choose to become my Servant Savior!

I tried to order this amazing Passover Seder plate this morning, but they sold out just before I placed my order, so I'll be looking for them when they are available again next year. But I was able to order ordered several extra copies of their Passover Devotional booklet and I am considering going back for the Matzah Plate and Passover/Communion Cup as well (both would be great to use for weekly Sabbath Suppers).

While most of the items I've mentioned were still in stock as of the posting of this blog, if you are sad to see that you missed the Seder plate, then head on over to the Extravagant Grace website where Lisa is hosting an "I AM" Messianic Passover give-away for this sold-out item! Lisa even offers you a couple of discount codes to use when you place your DaySpring order. :)

Alone, with your family, with your church, I would encourage you to consider exploring the traditions of Passover this year. Our family journeyed through all the major Jewish holidays together last year and found our Christian faith deepened and enriched as we dug into the rich faith heritage of the family line of Christ. What a better way to prepare our hearts for the celebration of our risen Lord than to remember the journey that took Him to the cross.

Tell Me Your Story

2010-03-18T10:12:00.000-07:00

I started this blog, like all new blogs, with no "followers" yet. I had ideas of the topics I wanted to address and prayed that some of those posts would in some small way minister to any who found them. But what I didn't yet have was YOU!

Now that Hope Harvesters™ has been around for a while and you have found your way here, I need to hear from you what you would like to receive from this blog. Please take a moment and post a reply. It doesn't have to be long or elegant, but I would love to know something about you.

I would love to hear about the trials and triumphs of your life. What makes your heart sing? What burdens I can help carry and issues I can address that will be of meaning to you? Maybe you can tell me how you found this blog or what brings you back again?

Won't you please, tell me your story...

"Generation after generation stands in awe of your work; each one tells stories of your mighty acts."
- Psalm 145:4 (MSG)

"All Jesus did that day was tell stories—a long storytelling afternoon. His storytelling fulfilled the prophecy: I will open my mouth and tell stories; I will bring out into the open things hidden since the world's first day."
- Matthew 13:34 (MSG)

Showers of Blessing

2010-03-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

Because I've lived the "drought" of infertility, I'm hyper-sensitive to the fact that my blessings can cause others pain. Similarly, I never know how to reply when I'm sitting with friends and someone who knows well my challenges pipes up with a phrase like, "Well, as long as you have your health, you have everything." It's not that I don't want others to honestly rejoice for what they have, it just seems people should put a filter on their words sometimes, considering the audience upons whose ears their words may fall.

Unfortunately I've lived so tuned into how I might unintentionally hurt others for so long that often I hurt those closest to me by default. I don't always celebrate my kids like I should, because I'm afraid of hurting someone still in the wait. I don't brag on my husband like I should, because I fear stepping on the tender toes of friends facing singleness, divorce or unhealthy marriages.

God's been working on my heart, reminding me that He is the Giver of all good gifts and that it is fine, even proper, to rejoice in what He has given. Sensitivity to hurting hearts is still good and has a place, but sometimes I need to shout His blessings from the rooftop and leave Him to care for those who might be unintentionally tender to my rain-fall-out. It's a delicate balance I'm still trying to work out and would love your input if you have any ideas.

This week I read a "repost to your profile if..." message at Facebook that I wasn't going to post because I immediately thought of several friends hurting over broken relationships. But God prompted me to think of my husband too and so I hesitantly copy/posted, "If you have a wonderful husband that works hard to provide for you and would do anything just for you and your family, then repost this as your status to give the honest, well-behaved men out there the recognition they deserve!♥ Because great men are few and far between, and I have one of them.♥"

Turned out my sweet husband had been having an especially hard week at work and had been feeling devalued by me as well. About an hour later he posted, "Great wives are also in short supply, and I have one of the best!"

Thank you, Father, that You are both found in the desert place and where the streams of abundance flow. Please help me to remember to take time to dance in the rain when you shower it upon my heart. Show me the balance between splashing in the puddles with childlike abandon and childishly splashing my blessings in the faces of those who are thirsty.

In the Season of Rain, Pray for Rain posted at (In)Courage today is a great reminder to be thankful for the blessings God showers upon me.

Prayer for Contentment

2010-03-06T19:44:00.000-08:00

This is another day, O Lord. I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be. If I am to stand up, help me to stand bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to sit quietly. If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly. Make these words more than words, and give me the Spirit of Jesus. Amen.

- from The Book of Common Prayer

Hope in Your Jeans?

2010-02-26T15:16:00.000-08:00

Rather make that Genes. Well, actually, both!

I'm talking about The Global Genes Project World Rare Disease Day on Feb. 28. From their website, "Imagine lawyers in courtrooms, business executives in boardrooms, state legislators and others from all walks of life wearing jeans the week before or Friday before World Rare Disease Day – all to show their support for those affected by rare disease worldwide. www.rarediseaseday.us."

My first real introduction to rare diseases was in the early 1990s through Hannah's Prayer Ministries where I met many amazing families, some struggling to grow their families yet facing infertility due to the rare conditions faced by the husband or wife, others crushed under the grief that comes to parents whose children are diagnosed with rare, life-threatening (often "incompatible with life") diseases. At that point the only resource I knew to share with families were National Organization for Rare Disorders (NORD) and NATHHAN National Challenged Homeschoolers Associated Network.

Little did I know then how personally Rare Diseases would eventually touch our home. When our daughter was two we endured many stressful and frightening months as she was being evaluated for a specific form of dwarfism with many accompanying complications (something that's never fully been "ruled out" but because her growth has improved dramatically, investigation was eventually put on hold unless/until we have additional reason for concern). Then five months ago we learned of my XMRV diagnosis, a retrovirus that may turn out to be very wide-spread but currently has only been diagnosed in a few hundred cases because the testing is so new. I've lived with it for at least 19 years, possibly much longer, but doctors are just beginning to learn anything about my condition and still have no idea how to manage my care.

If you have a illness that "no one has heard of" it used to be that you might go your whole lifetime without ever connecting with someone else who knew your struggles personally. Now the internet makes it possible to find so much information (sometimes "too much" information!) and support communities abound. In honor of World Rare Disease Day, I want to point to the personal websites of a couple of families I regularly pray for, even as I'm inspired by their perseverance under trying times:

Heather (you might know her as "Especially Heather") is an amazing woman who has gone through more than seems fair for any one lifetime, yet her smile continues to shine for Jesus. Her story includes brain cancer and the removal of a tumor "the size of a nine iron" in 2007. But it's her daughter Emma's story that I want to point out today. This little girl was written off by the medical community before she was ever born but proved them all wrong with a lusty cry upon birth in 2001. She had a heart/lung transplant at just 5 months of age, has both Complex 1 and Complex 3 Mitochondrial Myopathy, is autistic, and is now waiting for a second heart transplant due to Transplant Related Coronary Artery Disease. As of this week, Emma was back in ICU running a fever of unknown origin and could use our prayers!

While we have yet to meet in person, though I've talked with their mother by phone and facebook and know their cousin well, Addi and Cassi Hemple are a couple of local girls who I've mentioned in the past. Living here in Reno, these 5-year-old twins who suffer from Niemann Pick Type C disease (childhood Alzheimer's) hold an especially tender spot in my heart.

I'm running out of time and energy to post other stories right now, but I couldn't close this short list of stories without mentioning the wonderful folks at the Whittemore Peterson Institute who are working nearly around the clock to find answers about XMRV for those like me who have already been identified and the potentially thousands or even tens of thousands (thus no longer making it "rare"!) more who are waiting for answers! Won't you please join me in wearing your jeans to show your hope in finding answers in genes???

What does wearing jeans stand for?

In the United States, a disease is considered rare if it affects fewer than 200,000 Americans. According to statistics from the National Institute of Health (NIH), there are thought to be nearly 7,000 life-threatening and heavily debilitating conditions affecting nearly 30 million Americans (1 in 10 people or 10% of the population). Despite the infrequency of each rare disease, the total number of rare disease patients in the United States is equivalent to the total populations of New York and New Jersey combined.

In the European Union's 27 member states, it is estimated that rare disease patients make up between 6% and 8% of the total EU population, or between 27 and 36 million people. This is equivalent to the total combined populations of the Netherlands, Belgium and Luxembourg.

Beyond the US and EU, few reliable rare disease statistics exist for other countries. Some alarming statistics that are currently available include:

* More than half of the 30 million patients in the United States affected with rare disease are children
* Approximately 15 million Americans have rare diseases for which there still is no approved treatments and no research in progress
* Approximately 80% of rare diseases are attributed to genetic defects, many which are untreatable and life-threatening
* In the 25 years since the Orphan Drug Act of 1983 was signed into federal law, the FDA has only approved approximately 350 treatments for all rare diseases combined

Are you or someone you love impacted by rare disease? I would be honored to pray for you if you would please share your story in the comments section here. I'm always thrilled to find new links to personal stories and support sites/organizations as well, so please tell me about the resources that have most helped you!

One Thing

2010-02-22T16:54:00.000-08:00

Do you have "one thing" in your life you wish you could fix, change, replace, rewrite? Maybe it's a relationship, a loss, an unmet goal or expectation, a significant disappointment, a soul-deep struggle. While we probably all have many things we wish we could see unfold differently, what's that one especially sore "thorn" that follows you into every day of this life's season?

This morning I read a really fun and light, yet amazingly thought provoking devotional, based on that silly old song, "There's a Hole in My Bucket". It made me think a lot about the ways I try to fix that "one thing" that seems off in my life, how I try to fill "holes" and broken places rather than resting fully in God through them. I would love to share both the original devotional along with the thoughts it spurred for me, over on my InfertilityMom blog. Please join me at http://infertilitymom.blogspot.com/2010/02/one-thing.html

Thin Places

2010-02-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

Mary DeMuth recently sent me a copy of her new book, Thin Places. I knew it was a memoir, but beyond that really had no idea what to expect. So far I've only been able to steal away enough moments to read the introduction and already I'm enthralled. Mary describes thin places as "those times where the division between this world and the eternal fades; snatches of holy ground, tucked into the corners of our world, where we might just catch a glimpse of eternity." Check back here in the coming weeks (or maybe months - I'm a very slow reader) as I'm sure I'll have more to share about the book later.

In the meantime, I received an interesting invitation this week, asking me to share with you my own "thin place" story, a time when God burst through my life to remind me of His presence or reassure me of His reality. The story was to be exactly 259 words long. If you know my writing, you probably know that limited word counts are the hardest writing challenges for me!

Why such a specific word count? This is the retail price of a new Kindle, the contest prize for the winning essay submitted. Please join me for your chance to win a Kindle by sharing your thin place story too! (Head on over to http://www.blogtourspot.com/2010/02/thin-places-blog-tour/ for details.)

This story describing my journey in the spring/summer of 1994, started out at over 500 words. Even then I felt like I was leaving out important details, but I finally got it down to the exact 259. So here we go...

“I should drive across the median. I've failed at everything. They would be better off without me.” These mocking thoughts no longer frightened me.

My health failed first. I dropped out of school. Our business tottered on the bring of bankruptcy. Yet none of these were my greatest disappointment.

Two years of yearning for the fulfillment of dreams I had carried since my earliest memories left me disillusioned. “Lord, we are serving you in every way we know how. Don't you promise the desires of our hearts?”

I flung my Bible across the room. Remorseful, I ran to find it open to 1 Samuel.

“Not funny, Lord!” I hated Hannah's story. How could He put her through years of waiting, only to bless her with a child, then take back the thing she most longed for?

I sat down to read it again, to prove to God how cruel He was. What, God never demanded Samuel of Hannah? She gave him of her own free will?

Heaven broke through the hardness of my heart, not with an audible voice, yet with words that rang loud and true, “My child, you cannot treat me according to the gifts I choose to give or withhold. I AM worthy!”

I offered works in hopes of blessing. He wanted praise for the sake of love.

We lost our business. I never earned my degree. It was five more years before we held a living miracle in our arms. But I never fantasized about driving my car into another again.

Extravagant Love

2010-02-09T11:51:00.000-08:00

Holidays such as Valentine's always make me reflective. For those of us in beautiful, happy, healthy relationships, we can celebrate the glowing joy of love on special day like this, but really I don't think we even need a date on the calendar because we are striving to live out our love on a daily basis. Even in stable, loving marriages, love can be painful at times, a continual stretching, growing and relearning. Rick and I will celebrate 17 1/2 years of marriage on Feb. 15 and each year has taught us new things about love, perhaps the last couple of years more than any before, learning to creatively express our love in new ways, within the ever-shrinking confines of health limitations.

For my friends who are in painful relationships, or grieving lost love, or simply waiting for love that God hasn't brought into your lives yet, I think this day must feel much like Mother's Day feels for an infertile woman or mother who has suffered the death of her child. If this is where you find yourself today, please know you are in my prayers!

May I encourage you to visit Mary Singer Wick at Extravagant Life for encouragement? Mary was kind enough to send me a copy of her book My Heart's Desire: A Journey Toward Finding Extravagant Love for review last year (Sadly, I'm 2-3 years behind on reviewing some of the books that have been so generously shared with me!) and her story of finding heartbreak everywhere she looked for love, to eventually find true love in Christ alone (then only after that, to be blessed with a loving, faithful husband as well) was compelling. In fact, I had my copy into the mail for a hurting friend within 24 hours of finishing my reading, it was such a powerful story that I just couldn't delay passing along the messages of hope and healing found within the pages. If you have been hurt by broken relationships, I know My Heart's Desire will be a blessing to you!

Over at InnerBeautyGirlz I'm sharing about "love" and what our Father's Love for us cost Him. Please join me!

Hope for Haiti

2010-01-15T10:23:00.000-08:00

Haiti. It's all over the headlines. It feels overwhelming, a world away and yet too-close for comfort. And we feel helpless. What can one person do in the face of so much anguish?

Jenny from Simply Delightful Designs knows that while just one person may not be able to do a lot, when we band together we can become a strong force. On her Hope for Haiti blog, many wonderful women and companies are donating items and services to this online raffle for proceeds to go to Red Cross and Compassion International.

Raffle tickets are only $1 per entry and some of the prizes are valued at several hundred dollars! Along with my offer of $30 dollars worth of your choice of Affordable Mineral Makeup™ products the raffle items include everything from blogging conference tickets to photography sessions, books, jewelry and art. Such a great selection of prizes, and all funds raised for a wonderful cause!

Together we can make a difference! Please visit Hope-For-Haiti.blogspot.com and share what you can. Every dollar helps, and you might win a great prize too! Thank you for helping to bring a glimmer of hope to such a hurting slice of our world!

Do You Want to Celebrate?

2010-01-11T15:03:00.000-08:00

Ministry.
Servanthood.
What My Friends/Church Did Right...

All of these seemed possible titles for this post, but "celebration" seems most fitting.

I was sitting alone in the back row at church yesterday. I had made it, but just. I came in using my wheelchair as a walker, thankful to have gotten out the door with three kids while hubby was out of town, but wondering what I was doing there. I had forgotten my Bible, and my glasses, and was so exhausted I wondered if I could stay sitting upright through the sermon.

The service began to draw to its conclusion and members of the Family were invited to slip quietly to the back and enjoy communion during the worship music. I was physically close the communion area and wanted to go, but just didn't have it in me, didn't want to invite attention with my chair, couldn't find the strength.

And then a gentle tap on my shoulder. A whispered invitation, "Do you want to celebrate communion? May I bring you the elements?"

It may have been a small act on his part, but to me it was huge. My eyes instantly welled with tears. God sees. He knows. He cares. And He prompts others to take the risk to be His hands and feet when my own are too weak.

Thank you, Father, for the invitation to celebrate You!

When a Baby Dies

2010-01-09T16:22:00.000-08:00

Last fall I was contacted by Gerrit Hofsink who wanted to share a song she had written after the stillbirth of her first grandson. I asked Gerrit to share a little bit about the journey that brought her to write "Still" and this was her reply:

I grew up in Europe and spent years in South Africa before settling in Canada. I have always had a love for music. When my daughter and son-in law lost David, their first child (and my first grandchild) after a nine months pregnancy, it was music that helped me heal. I wrote "Still" as much for myself and my family, as for other families who experience this tragic loss, as a ray of hope in a dark time.

At the funeral, we read verses from Psalm 139, a psalm of David:

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

I would like to invite you to listen to "Still" on Gerrit's MySpace page (first song on the player) or it can be purchased through Amazon.com as an MP3 file for less than a dollar!

STILL
music & lyrics, copyright Gerrit Hofsink

I’ve been waiting for you
For such a long time
You’re always on my mind

And I’m lying awake
Most of the night
Waiting to hold you tight

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
This can’t be true

Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Close to my soul
Close to my heart
Right from the start

Lost in time
Lost in space
Can’t wait to see your face

Now that I do
And look at you
My heart is breaking
I know it’s true

Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do
With this pain that I’m going through
But I know one day, God will take me away
And I’m coming home to you

And when I do
And look at you
My heart is healing
I know it’s true

Lost you before I found you
Gone before you came
But I love you just the same
Missed you before I met you
On earth we never can
But in heaven we’ll meet again

In related news, Remembering Our Babies Memorial Boutique, official sponsors of October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, is having a sale at RememberingOurBabies.net where you can take 15% off anything in the store until January 15th by using coupon code newyear2010 at checkout. This special boutique offers remembrance items ranging from ash or hair holder pendants,to bracelets and other jewelry, awareness ribbons and magnets, stepping stones, memory boxes and more.

Weekend to Remember Discount

2010-01-04T00:02:00.000-08:00

Rick and I were blessed to attend a Family Life Weekend to Remember last spring. To say it was a worthwhile weekend is such an understatement, but I can say that if you have an opportunity to attend one, please do what it takes to make it happen.

I know the economy is tight and it's tempting to see the price tag (registration is $129 per person, $258/couple, not including lodging) and immediately decide it can't be done. But before you give up so easily, I would like to challenge you to take this opportunity to the Lord in prayer and see what doors He might open. Yes, the weekend is an investment, but one that you will look back on as a marriage landmark for many years to come and worth the sacrifices it may cost you to get there!

Because we believe so passionately in this ministry, Rick and I have signed up to lead a "group" and can offer an $80 discount (making registration $178 per couple) to anyone who registers for a conference using our group page at http://www.familylife.com/groups/saake or by simply using the group name "Saake" as your discount code when you register from the main Family Life website.

But wait, it gets better! Yes, said in my best infomercial voice. ;) From January 4-18, 2010, when you register at the regular rate of $129 for one of you, you spouse comes free! Simply register for any upcoming Spring or Fall Weekend to Remember using the promotion code "INVITE" and go for half price, only $129 for the two of you! Please spread the news. This weekend truly might improve or even save your marriage and/or the relationship of someone you encourage to attend.

If you are facing infertility or are currently grieving the death of a child, please visit my InfertilityMom blog and read the final two paragraphs of the Family Life post there for a special review from the perspective of fertility challenges.

Patient Navigator

2010-01-03T22:24:00.000-08:00

Patient Navigator LLC is a concept I was only introduced to today. I cannot speak from personal experience, but I have to say that the concept sounds wonderful! While the term "patient navigator" pulls up several search engine results that I have not yet had time to explore, this particular page was mentioned in a recent Rest Ministries email and their goal is work "with patients and families as they journey through illness and aging." They do so be providing "information and research, we advocate on your behalf, we solve problems and we help you benefit from an integrative care approach to your illness."

While this particular organization can only offer one-on-one local support in a few areas, they work with clients "to develop and implement an individualized action plan designed to address administrative tasks, solve problems, advocate for you and mobilize a support system. Your navigator also provides emotional support as we share your journey through treatments, decisions, successes, set-backs and healing." Free telephone consultations are offered anywhere in the U.S.

If you have experience with a patient navigator (either through this website or any other) I would love to hear your experiences!

Choosing Joy

2009-12-26T23:17:00.000-08:00

17 years ago last month, my husband and I, just three months into a new marriage, set out on the intentional path of striving to expand our family. Our oldest living son turned ten this week, so obviously that dream was slow to be realized!

Through those first seven years we had just two positive pregnancy tests. One resulted in our oldest's birth. The other led to the miscarriage of our sweet Noel Alexis. It was 15 years ago tomorrow morning that the bleeding and pain began. Tears for a few hours, followed by five months of numbness.

In hindsight I now see that my total lack of ability to process any form of emotion after Noel's death was more than just "denial" or "normal grief," but rather grief compounded by post-partum depression. (A journey I would again face on a much grander scale after the birth of our second living child, our daughter who will be seven next month.) It took me nearly half a year to allow myself to say the words, "I was pregnant," or "I had a miscarriage."

When I finally did choke the words out, the flood of sobbing, body-wracking tears last for hours! The emotions that had been pent up for months, not allowing a smile, a laugh, a tear, stayed close to the surface for the next few years, never giving me a moment's notice of when they might spring forth. I had irriational thoughts, like wanting to walk up to total strangers and simply announce, "My baby died." Infertiltiy is brutal. Miscarriage is torture. To miscarry our only known child in the midst of a many-year battle through infertility threatened to drive me to insanity with the intensity of my grief.

While on the one hand Noel's death intensified the infertility experience to a more painful level than I could ever have imagined, on the other hand she brought a strange measure of healing as well. I found joy in knowing that after more than two years striving for motherhood, that I was now, and forever more would be, somebody's Mom! Once I could admit to myself that Noel's brief life had not been a dream, simply a "late period" as I tried desperately to convice myself, I found some measure of hope and comfort in the fact that she had actually touched my womb, even if all-too-briefly.

Naming Noel was a very helpful step for me. Rick and I, not knowing if I had carried our son or daughter, but both "feeling" she was a girl, prayed long and hard over the right choice of a name. We chose "unisex" manes with meanings that touched our hearts, spelling Noel with the male spelling but pronouncing it with the femine pronouncation. We figured if "she" actually was a son, then he would forgive us in Heaven, but giving "her" an identity that I could relate to was so very important to me. Her name means "Christmas Minister of Needs" for she came and went over the Christmas season and ministered deeply to the hearting heart of this infertile want-to-be mother. I read of how "Mary treasured all these things in her heart" and my heart treasured the knowledge of the daughter I would some day see face to face in Heaven.

I hated when well-intended friends would try to comfort me with, "Well, at least now you know you can get pregnant." From anyone else, those words seemed to invalidate my child's precious, unique life and the profound loss to have her missing from ours. But when not minimized by other's "at least" statements, to be honest with myself it also was a relief to realize that we were truly "only infertile" and not utterly sterile, that there was hope of future conception.

But it also terrified me that if it had taken two years to conceive in the first place, even with medical aid, that it might be a very long road to a second child. And now that I had a "history of miscarriage" my innocence was shattered. Getting pregnant was just the first step, but the expectation of a living, bring-home-baby at the end could no longer be taken for granted in my heart and mind.

If you have stuck with me through all this rambling, you are probably wondering what does any of this have to do with "choosing joy"? With the dawn of 2009 God impressed upon my heart that my "theme word" for this year was to be Joy. He's confirmed it over and over, and while my husband may wonder where that joy has been (because he's seen me in some pretty black places with my health this year - 10 weeks in a foot cast, followed almost immediately by 5 months of IVs - physically exhaused, grumpy and especially wrestling to process all the emotional anguish of news about this retrovirus), I have to say that God's joy has been more tangilbe to me this year than in any I can remember since we started the infertility journey 17 years ago. I may not always be "happy" but God's joy, bouied by hope, and sustained by peace that passes understanding, has been tangible in ways I cannot put into words.

Here, in this week where we mark the birth of Christ, the death of our first daughter, the birth of our first living son and the due date of the child who would have been turning 8 but is also awaiting us in Heaven with two siblings, God gave me a beautiful reminder of all He has taught me this year. The Christmas stocking I've had since childhood had too many holes for my husband to use to put some goodies in on Christmas Eve. So we pulled out a couple of "extra" stockings we had picked up one year when we were out of town for Christmas and had forgotten our regular stockings at home. One bears the script "Noel" while the other says "Joy." In past years, without hesitation, I would have instantly grabbed "Noel," thinking much more of the daughter who was not there to share in our celebration than of the Christ-child who's birth I should have been focusing on. This year, with only the slightest moment's indecision, I eagerly reached for "Joy" instead.

Birthdays

2009-12-21T07:30:00.000-08:00

I'm reflecting on "birth" right now - the birth of the Son of God (that came at the cost of a Father's greatest grief), the birth of our first living miracle (10 years ago this morning I was just starting labor), and the births we never got to enjoy, our little ones awaiting us in Heaven.

Joel Samuel, who shared a due date (2 years later) with his big brother and would now be turning 8, has been especially on my heart these past couple of days. His name means "The Lord will repay the years the locusts have eaten," and we named our son in faith that after so much heartache (deep financial struggles, multiple failed adoptions, miscarries...) God surely had something more in store for us than years of tears and loss that had marked our first decade of marriage.

We had no idea what form that "something more" would be, perhaps emotional, spiritual or even physical tangible blessings, but we clung to the hope that His "more" would be perfect in His right timing and that He would not leave us adrift in the despairing grief that threatened to sink us. My heart is full with all I want to write on the kindness and grace God has washed over us in the eight years since Joel left my womb for Heaven, including two more living miracle babies! Yes, there have been hard times too, like my recent diagnosis of a retrovius (XMRV is one of only 3 known human retroviruses, the most well-known being HIV), but God has been so gracious through it all.

It seemed for so long we were the ones grieving, in need of tangible financial or other help. This Christmas, when so many are struggling, we live in a warm home with bountiful food, God's blessings overflowing. My eyes tear as we hand warms socks and an energy bar to the man with the cardboard sign on the corner, as my husband quietly walks forward to pay for lunch for the man who digs through his pocket and turns to walk out of the fast food joint because he doesn't have the change to cover a value meal, as we place a few small gifts of love in a friend's arms to put under the empty tree in her tiny apartment. We do it for Jesus. We do it for Joel.

Yesterday we enjoyed the blessing of a long, leasurly lunch with Rick's parents to celebrate Big. J's addition to our family 10 years ago - such a wonderful change of pace after 19 weeks of spending my Sunday afternoons hooked up to IVs! (On top of that, my hives are even starting to clear up. What a blessing!) We'll celebrate him again tomorrow (his actual birthday) with my side of the family.

My brother, sister(in-law) and nephews got in from Washington yesterday evening and spent the night with my parents. We will be seeing them in a couple of hours and spending the next 10 days together, so you might not hear from me much until the end of the year. As a "Christmas gift" I wanted to point you to a current blog give-away for Joy Dekok's wonderful book, Rain Dance. It takes on some heavy topics (infertility, post-abortion syndrome, grief - topics that scared me away from the book for far too long) but is an amazing read and will touch your heart. Enter to win your own copy at http://www.crazy-for-books.com/2009/12/blog-tour-review-giveaway-rain-dance-by.html

[Edited Dec. 26 to say, after dedicating this entire post to Joel, I realized belatedly that it was actually Hannah Rose who shared a due date with our oldest J. She is the one that would have been turning 8 about now. Joel was due in September, as we had two back-to-back miscarriages.
There, Mommy-guilt for having mistaken dates surrounding the lives and deaths of my children, now somewhat relieved by this admission. As this is a mistake I still can't believe I would ever make "in my right mind," and especially one I'm still shocked that it took me nearly a week to even realize I had made, I'm chalking this one up to CFS / XMRV "brain fog". :( ]

Different Christmas Hope

2009-12-09T09:53:00.001-08:00

My friend, Holley Gerth, has done it again, posted another amazingly thought-provoking article that I just have to share with you. This one will be especially meaningful to anyone who is coping with the loss of a loved one this Christmas, including women facing miscarriage (any form of pregnancy or infant death really - check out Part Two) or infertility (be sure to follow her my storm link too, if you are walking infertility). Even if you don't fall into those catagories, you will still find it a worthwhile read!

A Different Kind of Hope

I also posted some reflections on Joy on my InnerBeautyGirl blog yesterday (including brief mention of living children along with part of our infertility story) and shared additional thoughts on Christmas and grief on my Hannah's Hope Book blog last year.

Need more encouragement? Don't forget to leave me a comment on the Lemon Fresh post below. I'm truly finding Squeezing Good Out of Bad to be offer a refreshing perspective on times of trial and would love to see you win a copy for yourself! But there's no chance to win if you don't leave a comment on that thread.

A Lemon Fresh Blog Tour

2009-12-04T05:17:00.000-08:00

Sour circumstances left you feeling down? Unemployment, foreclosures, divorce, bankruptcy and cancer don't even begin to peel the skin off all the bad news in our world today. At a time in history when the evening news contains more bad than good, people wonder if sweeter days will ever come. In steps James (Jim) Watkins. With a fresh perspective on life, love and the pursuit of happiness, Watkins serves readers a refreshing cup of encouragement and hope.

Written from his own experiences with cancer, unemployment and other life-puckering crises, Jim prompts readers to look at the cup of suffering with eyes focused on the true thirst quencher - Jesus Christ. Readers will be pleasantly surprised at the balance of readability and deep wisdom offered within the pages of Squeezing Good Out of Bad. With scripture references, humor-filled lists, and a creative manuscript, Watkins brings the bitterness of hard times and blends it with the sweetness of God's presence. He's been there. His transparency is as refreshing as, you guessed it, a tall, cool glass of lemonade.

Leave a comment here and ask your friends to do the same. One comment from the blog with the most comments in this tour will win:

First prize: Jim will stop by your house with fresh-baked lemon cake and hot lemon tea. (Disclaimer: Offer available only to residents of Corn Borer, Indiana.
Alternate prize includes a copy of Squeezing Good Out of Bad, mixes for lemon tea, lemon cake, lemonade and assorted lemon candies. Not available where taxed or licensed. Winner responsible for safe and proper use of products.)

If Jim's disclaimer isn't enough humor for you, read on:

When life gives you lemons . . .
10. Don't confuse them with hand grenades (Identify the problem)
9. Check the delivery slip (Determine if it's your problem)
8. Sell them on eBay (Profit from the problem)
7. Paint smiley faces on them (Laugh at the problem)
6. Join a citrus support group (Share your problem)
5. Use as an all-natural, organic astringent (Grow from the problem)
4. Don't shoot the delivery driver (Forgive the problem-maker)
3. Graft to a lime tree for a refreshing, low-calorie soft drink (Take the problem
to a higher level)
2. Grow your own orchard (Live a fruitful life despiteor because ofthe problem)
1. Give off a refreshing fragrance (Live a lemon-fresh life)

Interview with Humorist and Author
James (Jim) Watkins
about his new book, Squeezing Good Out of Bad

Jim, you've been in the literary world for a while, give us a quick recap of how you got started to where you are today.

By second grade, I knew I wanted to be a writer. I felt the suspension of disbelief was stretched too thin when the real-live puppet Pinocchio became a real live boy. So I rewrote the ending having the wooden puppet die a painful, prolonged death of Dutch elm disease. (At that point, I'm sure my parents and teachers weren't sure if I'd become a writer or a life-long patient at a psychiatric hospital.) I later went on to become the editor of my high school paper, worked at a Christian publishing house as an editor during college, and then dabbled in writing while holding down a real job. Since 1988 I've been writing and speaking full-time.

In Squeezing Good Out of Bad you give many insightful tips on how to turn around sour circumstances. Share a practical way we can be encouraged during tough times.

My "top ten list" of chapter titles 10-4 provide practical steps for dealing with lemons, but the real secrets are found in chapters 3-1. (Yes, like a true top ten list, the chapters are numbered backward.) Romans 8:28 promises that that God is working all things out for our good to accomplish His purpose in our lives. But we have to read on to verse 29 to find that purpose: "to be conformed to the image of His Son."

No life is perfect. Can you give us an example of how you got through a challenging situation and were able to use these principles to see the good in it?

I think it's so important that we take our faith seriously, but I certainly don't want to take my situation or myself too seriously. So I create a mental "top ten" list of what good can come about in this situation. For instance, last year I had radiation for cancer and it totally depleted me physically and mentally. My family dubbed it "radiation retardation." Because of that, I was fired from a wonderful part-time job because I just couldn't do it. So, "Top Ten Great Things about Losing My Job":
10. I'll be paying less taxes next year.
9. I've got twenty hours a week of free time.
8. . . .
Our family is going through something right now that is far worse than cancer, and I can't see a single good thing that can come out of it. So, at those times, you just keep hanging on--with white knuckles--to the fact that God loves you and the Romans 8:28 is still in effect.

What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?

Spare time? What's that? I'm a firm believer in "redeeming the time" so I try to keep busy doing things that matter for the Kingdom. But after my little brain is worn out--usually around 7 pm--nothing beats a session of "Freecell."

What's the last book you read and why?

Strength to Love by Martin Luther King, Jr. Unfortunately, the only real reading for pleasure is on airline flights. The King book is research for a book I'm proposing as we approach the 50th anniversary of the Civil Rights Act.

What do you hope readers will gain by reading your book?

I wrote the first draft nine years ago, and even though I have a great agent, we just couldn't find a publisher. That was before cancer, family crisis, unemployment.
. . . So it's a much more comforting, honest book. And it forced me to not be so flippant and casual about the serious issues people are dealing with. Henri Nouwen talks about "wounded healers." I think, because of the lemons that have piled up in my life, I can more compassionately offer comfort to those buried under a pile of lemons.

Publisher: XarisCom
ISBN: 978-0-578-01006-9
Retail: $12.96
Paperback
http://www.jameswatkins.com/squeezing.htm
A book that will make you laugh, think, and start looking at those sour places of lfe in a whole new way.

James N. Watkins is the author of sixteen books and over two thousand articles. He is the acquisition editor for Wesleyan Publishing House, an editorial advisor for ACW Press, instructor at Taylor University and a sought-after conference speaker. He's won Campus Lifes Book of the Year award and various other awards for writing and editing. Together with wife Lois, they have two children and four grandchildren. His family is the lemonade in his life.

---------
Disclosure: I will recieve a complimentary copy of Squeezing Good Out of Bad via Kathy Carlton Willis Communications, gifted to all participants in this blog tour.

More Clean Water for Africa

2009-12-03T17:57:00.000-08:00

* 1 in 7 people don’t even have access to a clean water source.

* More people in developing countries die of a water related disease than of malaria and HIV/AIDS combined. It is a problem as urgent as it is compelling.

As shared in my Thanksgiving post, there is much need for clean water in other parts of the world. If you are planning to purchase a Christmas tree this year, why not help fund clean water in Africa at the same time? Find out more about The TreeWell Project at http://lifechurchreno.com/treewell (If you don't live near Reno, NV but like this idea, think about contacting the director of this project to help plan something like this from your own town for next year!)

* Statistics quoted from The TreeWell Project website.

In Everything Give Thanks

2009-11-26T01:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when we are struggling with burdens and circumstances of life, it is hard to find anything to be thankful for. Today I'm thankful for the simple things, like easy access to fresh, clean water. Here's a story that I was recently given persmission to share, along with one reason I'm feeling thankful and reflective today.
And if you are looking for something to do with the abundance of leftover turkey from today's bounty, maybe substitute it for the chicken in this tasty recipe from noted author, Kay Marshall Strom. Her recent release, The Call of Zulina, is a novel with accurate historical details regarding slavery in Africa. Below is a recipe and first-hand recollection of Kay's own real-life interactions at the well in Africa.

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LEMON CHICKEN SOUP SENEGAL, WEST AFRICA
This warm, mellow soup from Senegal, West Africa, can easily incorporate any extra turkey you have on hand. Just substitute it for the chicken.
You will need:
1 tablespoon butter
1 teaspoon curry powder
2 teaspoons flour
2 cups chicken broth
cup diced chicken (or turkey)
1 cup yogurt
juice of 1/2 fresh lemon
fresh chives, washed and snipped

Melt the butter in a saucepan over medium heat. Add the curry powder and flour and cook 2 minutes, stirring constantly. Gradually blend in the chicken broth and bring to a boil, continuing to stir constantly. Add diced chicken (or turkey).
Remove the kettle from the heat and cool the soup slightly. Gradually stir in the yogurt, a small amount at a time. Squeeze the juice from the lemon half and add the juice to the soup.
Garnish each bowl of soup with a dash of fresh chives.

The Women at the Well
by Kay Marshall Strom
In Senegal, West Africa, I sat beside the community well, because thats where the village women gathered. Out of the dusty wasteland they came, from every direction, their babies tied to their backs and their water containers balanced on their heads. They were glad to rest beside the well, for they had to walk many miles to get there. The average woman in the world, we are told, walks seven miles a day in her quest for water. When you factor in those of us who only walk to the kitchen to turn on the faucet, you can see that some must trek much farther than seven miles!
At the well, the women have a chance to catch up with the goings-on in neighboring villages, to air their complaints with one another, and to share their own news. And so I sat by the well with Obei and Helene, two Christian women in a country 98 percent Muslim, and waited to meet the women as they came for water.
And come they did.
A young woman came, sobbing over her baby son who was burning with fever. We prayed together in Jesus name that her baby would be healed.
A girl came and whispered her wish to learn to read, but said she could not because she walk to the well and back took her all day. Obei offered to teach her a little every day when she came for water. She started with: For God so loved the world.
A woman came with terror in her eyes and confided that her daughter must surely be a witch. Helene prayed for the girl, but also for the mother. Do not believe what others tell you, she warned the distraught mother. Believe in the power of God.
And Songa came. Obei and Helene had prayed with her before in Jesus name, and Songa had seen a miracle as her seriously ill son was healed. Now she too, was a follower of Christ. My husband ordered me to renounce Jesus, Songa told us. When I would not, he threw me out of the house, but he kept my children. Please, please pray for my little ones. Pray that they too will know the God of mercy and love.
This holiday season, I am thankful for the women at the well in Senegalall three of them, for Songa has joined the other two. Im thankful for the lives they are touching in the name of Jesus. Most of all, I am thankful for the Living Water that flows freely for every one of us.

Author Kay Marshall Strom has two great loves: writing and helping others achieve their own writing potential. Kay has written thirty-six published books, numerous magazine articles, and two screenplays. While mostly a nonfiction writer, the first book of her historical novel trilogy Grace in Africa has met with acclaim.
Kay speaks at seminars, retreats, writers conferences, and special events throughout the country and around the world. She is in wide demand as an instructor and keynote speaker at major writing conferences. She also enjoys speaking aboard cruise ships in exchange for exotic cruise destinations. Learn more about Kay at her website or contact:

Kathy Carlton Willis Communications
1324 S. 10th Street Raymondville, TX 78580
WillisWay@aol.com | kcwcomm@rgv.rr.com | 956-642-6319 | www.kathycarltonwillis.com

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Ever read stories like this and feel helpless. "What can I do about the lack of fresh water a world away?" Unrelated to the above book, I recently came across the Mocha Club. The idea is simple. You give up two "mochas" ($7) a month, and instead use that money to help someone a world away have access to fresh water and other life-saving aid! Find out more at https://www.mochaclub.org/how-it-works

Another great idea is The TreeWell Project, using the proceeds from Christmas tree sales to fund African wells. :)

The Choice

2009-11-23T18:14:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned my sweet friend Holley Gerth more than once here. Today she posted a story I've heard from her several times in the past, but it never fails to move me and challenge me in my choices and perceptions. Please enjoy with me Bitter or Better from the (in)Courage website. :)

Breast Cancer Support Resources

2009-11-11T09:18:00.000-08:00

I must be honest and say upfront that I don't have personal experience with, nor even personal recommendations for, any of these resources. But having known several friends who have survived, and having the reality brought home even more personally as I've talked with chemo patients while visiting the hospital for weekly infusions, I have been searching for resources offering support through the battle of cancer. Many of the links here are specific to breast cancer (though some are general cancer support resources) as that is the journey many of my friends have faced. Simply by being born female, my "odds" are 1 in 8 of facing breast cancer at some point in my life as well.

If you know of other resources, especially ones from a Christian faith-based perspecitve, please share with me and my readers!!! I am also looking for resources available for other cancers, in general or specific kinds, as well.

Outreach of Hope Dave Dravecky's ministry "to serve suffering people, especially those with cancer and amputation, by offering resources for encouragement, comfort and hope through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ."

The Lydia Project "Spreading faith, hope and love to women facing cancer." This is a must-visit resource! I have a soft spot in my heart for women's ministries named after strong Biblical women, so this website caught my attention from the get-go. But when I realized what their ministry did, it brought me to tears. What beauty from ashes! I won't try to describe it, just go see for yourself.

An Uninvited Guest: One Woman's Journey from Cancer to Hope (book by Jeana Floyd)

Finding the Light in Cancer's Shadow: Hope, Humor, and Healing after Treatment (book by Lynn Eib)

Cancer: Longterm Survivorship Issues message board forum through the Rest Ministries Sunroom, offering supportive understanding and dedicated to issues of long-term cancer survival

Stepping into the Ring: Fighting for Hope Over Despair in the Battle Against Breast Cancer (book by Nicole Johnson)

Nicole Johnson has also written three short "pieces" on breast cancer that are well worth the time to read:
Stepping Into the Ring: Round 1
Stepping Into the Ring: Round 2
Stepping Into the Ring: Round 3

Laura Jensen Walker Christian breast cancer survivor and author of multiple books including Thanks for the Mammogram!: Fighting Cancer With Faith, Hope, and a Healthy Dose of Laughter

Lump to Laughter, "a ministry-driven, non-profit organization committed to conquering breast cancer and supporting those affected by it."

Cancer Resource List from Focus on the Family

Hope Navigators - Cancer Support Blog This resource is helpful for "burden bearers" longing to come alongside a friend with cancer, while the parent website offers resources for cancer fighters themselves.

Cancer Patient Advocate "is dedicated to helping people provide emotional and spiritual encouragement to patients and their caregivers, especially those facing cancer."

Breast Friends, "a non-profit organization dedicated to improving the quality of life for breast cancer patients." Please note that this resource does not seem to be faith-based and may or may not be "faith-friendly". I am adding it to my resource list because it does seem to offer extensive support information both to patients and their supporters.

Have a story or resource you want to share? Please let me know!

Helping a Friend with Cancer

2009-10-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

Nicole Johnson has put together a creative list of 15 Ways to Really Help a Friend With Cancer that's right on target. With October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, her focus in on breast cancer, but the ideas suggested can really be applied to any kind of cancer and many other chronic illnesses as well. I've been blessed by some of these tips, such as a friend picking up my dirty laundry and returning it clean and folded, or another friend swinging by with a bag of grocery basics and the wonderful gift of paper plates!

Pregnancy & Infant Death

2009-10-16T15:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry I'm a day late in actually getting this posted :( but all those impacted by the death of a baby at any time from conception through early infancy are continually in my prayers. I hope this link recognizing Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day helps you feel just a bit more "validated" in your loss and comforted as you grieve.

"According to a 2004 National Vital Statistics Report issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in 2000, 15.6% or 1,003,000 of the 6,401,000 pregnancies in the United States ended in either a miscarriage or stillbirth; the CDC also indicates that in 2003 the number of live births in the United States was 4,093,000; of those births, 27,500 ended in the death of an infant under the age of one."

You are not alone in your heartache. Visit October15th.com for more information on this awareness day, and Hannah's Prayer Ministries for comforting support resources as you learn to live a "new normal" without your sweet baby. A wonderful book that may also be a blessing to you as you process your loss and cherish your memories is the beautiful devotional journal, Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg - this book was a lifeline to me in the aftermath and midst of two of our miscarriages.

Noel, Joel and Hannah, you will forever be a part of my heart. Looking forward to meeting you face to face in Heaven some day, my sweet children. :)

Prescription of Hope

2009-10-14T08:09:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling today. My heart hurts. I am overwhelemed.

I needed this reminder today from Heather at Prescription of Hope: Be Strong. Be Courageous. Heather, thanks for taking a moment to remind me where my hope comes from. :)

"Now may God, the source of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13 (NIV).

New Discovery Offers Hope for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS)

2009-10-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

Today's announcement of the discovery of the XMRV retrovirus' link to to a debilitating neuroimmune disease that affects more than one million people in the United States, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS), is of particular personal signifcance to me, offering such hope for answers and eventual development of reliable treatment for those of us living with neuro-immune illnesses like CFS.

I will be posting more on my own involvement with this research study and why I am so excited on my personal blog in coming days (today has been a very bad day for me physcially, and I'm just not up to posting much at the moment) but in the meantime, please find out more about this amazing breakthrough research at http://www.wpinstitute.org/xmrv/index.html and be sure to read through the excelent FAQs they have posted for you there on the Whittemore Peterson Institute website.

Edited Oct. 10 to add link to my ongoing thoughts processing this news.

Other links related to this research:
NIH press release

http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/wellbeing/2948457/Virus-isolated-in-chronic-fatigue-sufferers

More links to come...

Hope in the Shadows

2009-09-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard someone describe a time of trial as, “living under the shadow of [xyz]”? My shadows have included infertility, grief, depression, chronic illness and more. I'm sure you can plug in your own "xyz"s; maybe cancer, abuse, loneliness…

Job and the Psalmist talk of “the valley of the shadow of death.” Shadows impress a dark picture of gloom and heaviness in my mind.

Hope demands I give shadows another look... [To read the remainder of this article, please visit (In)Courage where you can also enter to win a copy of my book, Hannah's Hope.]

Keep scrolling here for a great list of verses that reflect God's sheltering shadows in my life.

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One way God seems to work in my life is through “theme word seasons,” specific life lessons He wants to drive home with me and situations that bring those themes to light over and over until I finally begin to grasp a small portion of what He longs to teach me. Wait resounded in our hearts through the loss of our business and the struggle for my husband to find a new career that truly fit, all in the midst of infertility's endless cycles of hoping and hurting, wanting and worrying, coping and crying.

Waiting has given way to new horizons, a series of theme seasons too numerous to list here, but with one of the most recent being Hope. And then to Hope, God’s spent this year adding the active pursuit of Joy to my life as well. Here are some of my favorite resources from these three themes:

Wait:
- Hannah’s Prayer Ministries offers support through fertility challenges, including infertility or the death of a baby at any time from conception through early infancy.
- A Graceful Waiting by Jan Frank
- The Wait Poem by Russell Kelfer (Truly beautiful book, with a written message even more powerful than the photos! This poem was life-changing for me and has been impactful in many lives.)

Hope:
- Out of the Valley Ministries, Inc. Postpartum Depression Support
- Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg
- Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by me, Jennifer Saake :)

Joy:
- Rest Ministries provides support in the face of chronic pain and illness, including National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week each Sept.
- Rain on Me: Devotions of Hope and Encouragement for Difficult Times by Holley Gerth
- The book of Philippians, written by the apostle Paul.
- And a late entry to my list, a blog post I just read this week about trusting God with others' hurts, Gratitude not Guilt

"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies” Philippians 4:8-9. (MSG)

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Verses that reflect God's sheltering shadows in my life:

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” James 1:17. (NIV)

“I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” Isaiah 45:3. (NIV)

“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned” Isaiah 9:2. (NIV)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" Isaiah 40:31. (NIV)

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me" Micah 7:7. (NIV)

"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield" Psalm 33:20. (NIV)

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God..." Psalm 40:1-2, (NIV)

“I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath.
He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light…

“He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship.
He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead…

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness…

“For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love…

“You came near when I called you, and you said, ‘Do not fear.’
O Lord, you took up my case; you redeemed my life…”
- from Lamentations 3 (NIV)

Radio Link & Coping with Crisis of Top of Chronic, part 2

2009-09-15T13:01:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone from a wonderful radio chat with Lisa Copen, as one of 20 seakers for the free National Chronic Invisible Illness Awareness Week virtual conference. This was my second year to experience the blessing of sharing for NCIIAW - feel free to listen to last year's program on infertility, medications, chronic illness and the desire for motherhood at http://harvestinghope.blogspot.com/2008/09/blog-talk-radio.html

This year we were talking about Coping With Crisis on Top of Chronic. I had the chance to share the first half of my notes for today's talk back in August and wanted to post a few more points here today. If you haven't had a chance to listen yet, please take an hour to join Lisa and I at today's archived show:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/invisibleillnessconf/2009/09/15/Coping-with-Crises-on-Top-of-Chronic--Chat-with-2-Gals-Who-Understand
(Note to listeners who are currently facing infertility, Lisa and I are both after-infertility moms, her through adotpion, I through childbirth, and there are some references to motherhood, including the final caller who asked about deciding to have a second child while facing chronic illness.)

As HarvestingHope.blogspot.com was the only website address that was given out during today's radio interview, I also wanted to direct you to my sidebar where you will find links to several of my other websites and/or blogs. A few to highlight are:

Hannah's Hope is my book website where you can read a free chapter of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss and learn about other infertility and loss support resources.

InfertilityMom.blogspot.com is pretty much my "everything" page and certainly my most personal blog. It's a slice of just about everything in my life from reflections on infertiltiy and loss, to the joy of motherhood after infertility. I talk about homeschooling, and writing, and work from home businesses. Here I share more details about my personal health journey in ongoing journal format, in contrast to the more devotional and slightly one-step-back from my ongoing personal struggles that tend to be more reflected here at Harvesting Hope™. And I love to toss in some "just for fun" stuff there, like the latest contest I'm entering or occassional give-aways from me. If you want the whole package and get to know the real me with the ins and outs of my daily heartbeat, InfertiltiyMom.blogspot.com is the blog you will want to follow.

Inner Beauty Girlz is the blog I referenced on today's radio show when talking about finding a passion. It started as a little place to explore my own curiosity about natural and affordable beauty alternatives and also to journal and reflect on God's call to make myself beautiful in spirit and how I can take things I learn about caring for my body and apply them to my thought life and attitudes.
I am a consultant with both Affordable Mineral Makeup™ and Gurrlie Girl™ Christian Jewelry so I also use this blog to post product information, discounts, specials and give-aways along with my beauty hits, tips, tricks and devotional reflections.

As a quick review, my first three tips for Coping with Crisis or Chronic (click here for detailed explanations of each) were:

1. Quiet Time
- non-optional daily priority, both to refresh body and spirit

2. Laughter is the Best Medicine
- seek joy even in dark seasons, not "Polyanna theology," but "Apostle Paul theology" as found in Philippians 4

3. Support Resources
- it is critical to find, or make for yourself, a support network

Added to these, my other three tools in my survival tool belt are:

4. Find a Passion
- When chronic illness hits, it's like a rug is pulled out from under my feet. Everything I have known and simply accepted is turned upside down. Things I took for granted in the past can no longer be presumed. Skills, abilities, perhaps even joys and interests, are suddenly lost. For example, I used to do counted cross stich constantly, but when CFS hit, I no longer had the strength in my arms to hold and stich, the mental focus to count and properly follow a pattern, nor the ability to focus my eyes on those little squares without triggering a migraine. This may seem like a small loss, but it was something that had meant a lot to me and brought me much pleasure for many years, then suddenly it brought only pain and frustration. Not only did I loose something I had loved, but because of my illness and the need to lay in bed for hours on end, I had much more "time on my hands" than I knew what to do with and what I normally would have turned to as a hobby wasn't even an option.

Part of the grieving process of chronic illness is learning to let go of what I can no longer do. But on the flipside, sometimes I am forced to explore new options I might not otherwise have ever considered, and this can be a blessing. I turned to writing, initially sending long letters to my fiance who lived far away, then I began journaling in earnest, and eventually I began writing articles for publication. Had I not lost my favorite hobby, I might never have ventured onto the internet and found a world of support resources, nor written a book, nor become a blogger.

My health struggles themselves led me to search out healthier alternatives for personal care products such as makeup (since I began having allergic reactions to all the chemically based brands I tried, even "hypo-allergenic" lines) and that led me into a whole new nitch of writing on beauty, along with leading me to become a consultant with companies I found to fit my needs. So while I'm too sick to work outside the home, the hobbies that my health unfolded before me have become a small source of "egg money" income that allow me to occassionally help out with a few little extras for our family budget and I find fulfillment in pursuing my new passions in the process.

5. Be Gentle with Myself
- Others may not be, so I need to be! There will always be those who don't understand, but I am the one who lives moment-by-moment with the ebb and flow of my body's demands. I can get caught up in all the "shoulds" that other people put on me, or I can be honest with myself about my needs and abilities and give myself some room to simply "be".

In my case, my doctor has made it very clear that if I push myself as hard as I can just because I have something left to give, that my body will never fully heal. I have always had a very driven personality and want to go and do and give. But if I cannot give myself permission to make my own needs a priority, I'm headed for permant disability and continued decline that will not be able to be reversed.

Putting this concept into practice can be more painful than I wish it were. For instance, I have a heart for anyone who may be lonely or hurting. When a new woman joined church recently, she commented that she had not been able to really establish friendships at her last church, so it became personal to me to see that she felt welcome and found a sense of community quickly. She readily accepted my invitation to come over with her kids for the afternoon, though I had to postpone it several weeks due to ongoing health issues. She then exchanged the invitation and generously watched my kids for several hours while I went to the hospital to be with my parents for my mom's surgery. Since then I've not only been involved with my mom's recovery, starting a new homeschooling year with my kids, but have had a lot of medical procedures, appointments and endless medical phone calls to keep up with, including a trip out of state to see the only specalist my insurance would cover.

I simply find myself too exhausted to reach out right now. She's left the ball in my court with "call me if you want to connect," and my heart aches that she may feel like I don't want to befriend her, when the truth is that I would like nothing more, but simply have nothing to give right now. I have vaguely explained my health to her and will do my best to explain my heart and my physcial reality in more detail soon (hard topics to plunge deeply into with a brand new friend), but in the end I will simply have to accept my limitations and realize that we will have to "do friendship" on the terms by body sets forth for us, and I'll have to be OK with that reguardless of how understanding she may or may not turn out to be.

6. Let Go and Let God
- All of the above tools ultimately point to one simple fact. I can't do it all! I must let go of unrealistic expectations of myself (and of others - it's easy to become disillusioned when others I depend on or place my hopes in fall short of my expectiations) and look fully to God as not only the source of my strength, but the one who gives wisdom and directs my steps moment by moment.

He never has unrealist expecations of me. He is always gentle with me and knows, truly understands, what I face moment by moment.

My job is simply to do what He calls me to for this moment and leave the rest to Him. Some days that may simply be getting through the day without giving into utter despair that I can't raise my arms with enough strength to brush my hair. Some days that may be trusting him that if my new friend needs friendship that I'm not equiped to give, that maybe I'm instread called to pray that God will meet that need for her through someone else.

When recently undergoing some very frightening treatments that had me reflecting on my own mortality, I realized that I was not really handing the reighns of my life to God. I had written love letters to every family member and placed them in my journal where I thought they would be found if I should die. I was peaceful about the prospect of death for my own sake, but I was a ball of nerves for the sake of my husband and children, grieving for them about what they might endure should I die. And then it occured to me of how arrogant I was being, to say I could trust God with my eternal future, but then actively distrust Him to have a perfect plan for my husband and children!

Just simply realizing that a God big enough to hold my eternity in His hands would have a great plan for my family too was a significant "letting go" moment that marked a wonderful return to a peaceful heart for me. As it turned out, I was His ongoing plan for my family and I had let myself get all worked up for something that never was really even an issue, but I pray that I will hold onto that life lesson next time I'm tempted to try to micro-manage God's plan rather than just resting in Him that He will take care of every need, big or small.

I would encourage you to take advantage of any or all of the 20 Invisible Illness Week seminars available to you this week, and archived for ongoing listening, at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/invisibleillnessconf. Please log back in here at www.HarvestingHope.blogspot.com again on Saturday as well, for a special post on Hope in the Shadows as part of the (In)Courage blog tour.

National Invisibile Chronic Illness Awareness Week

2009-09-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

I will be presenting at noon (Pacific) this Tuesday, on the topic of Coping with Crisis on Top of Chronic...

SBWIRE – SEPT 14, 2009 / Nearly 1 in 2 people in the USA live with a chronic illness and about 96% of these illnesses are invisible.* Rest Ministries, Inc., the largest Christian organization that serves the chronically ill, and an affiliate of Joni Eareckson Tada’s International Disability Ministry, is encouraging those with illness, friends, family, caregivers, and churches to get involved in their annual outreach, National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week, September 14-20, 2009.

In addition to churches having outreach events for those with chronic conditions, Rest Ministries organizes a 5-day free virtual conference with 20 seminars that can be attended via one’s computer and computer speakers. Seminars are on a variety of topics including marriage, parenting, starting a business, how to apply for disability and more—all when you live with a chronic illness. The seminars are held via Blog Talk Radio and listeners can call in through their phone line with questions.

Well known Christian authors who will be presenting include:

• Bill and Pam Farrel, best-selling authors; The Marriage Code (Harvest House, 2009)
• Naomi Kingery, author of Sugar Free Me (Xulon Press, 2008)
• Dena Dyer, author of Mothers of the Bible (Barbour Publishing, 2009)
• Georgia Shaffer, author of How Not to Date a Loser (Harvest House, 2008)
• Joanna Faillace, Certified Biblical Health Coach an author of Super-Naturally Healthy Families Cookbook Devotional
• Lisa Copen, author of Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend (Rest Publishers, 2008)
• Maureen Pratt, author of Peace in the Storm: Meditations on Chronic Pain & Illness (Galilee Trade, 2005)
• Jennifer Saake, author of Hannah’s Hope: Seeking God’s Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage and Adoption Loss (NavPress, 2005)
• Marcia Ramsland, author of Simplify Your Life (Thomas Nelson, 2004)
• Jolene Philo, author of A Different Dream for My Child (Discovery House Publishers 2009)

Lisa Copen, 40, founder of Rest Ministries says, “Many Christians may have a solid walk with the Lord, but the emotional rollercoaster of a chronic illness and its constant progression can leave them feeling alone and misunderstood. They are hanging on by a thread and being told they look fine and should just make themselves get up and go to church only adds to the isolation and bitterness of others ‘not getting it.’ The emotional scars can be harder to cope with than the actual illness.”

Copen, who has lived with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia since the age of twenty-four, ended up in the hospital for a week last fall fighting off the flesh eating bacteria in an ankle wound. We never know what the next day will hold,” she explains. “It is so important that there is good communication between those who are ill and their loved ones, as well as the church body.”

Did Copen’s circle of friends and church come through for her? “It was an enlightening experience,” she says. “Although I teach others to ask for help, I found out how difficult it is. And then when I did ask for help, I experienced what it is like when you fall through the cracks and everyone thinks someone else is providing both the practical support as well as emotional encouragement.”

Rest Ministries extends their outreach about invisible illness awareness to churches, providing materials to start up HopeKeepers groups, books, cards, tracts, etc. About 96% of those with illness may appear perfectly healthy on Sunday mornings, but may struggle to get out of bed the remainder of the week.

Ken Chambers, Director of Church Relations at Joni and Friends International Disability Center, says, “It is vital that Christians understand the emotional and spiritual trials of those with invisible disabilities, as well as those with visible disabilities. I encourage church leaders to take advantage of the wealth of resources at Rest Ministries and to participate in the National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week, which they sponsor annually.”

One can get involved by joining the hundreds of bloggers who are writing about illness in the next few days, by joining the cause on Facebook, and most especially, by tuning in for the conference. All seminars will also be recorded and archived.

See www.invisibleillness.com for more information or www.restministries.org for the sponsor of this event, Rest Ministries.

*Source: Chronic Care in America, U.S. Census Bureau

You Are God's Masterpiece, So am I

2009-09-02T22:41:00.000-07:00

I've run across this video from two different sources within just a few hours. Makes me think God might want me to share it here with you too. :) Takes about 9 minutes to watch, but well worth the time!

My favorite line, "But God I've let you down so many times."
God's reply, "No! I was holding you up!"

Lisa Copen, part 3

2009-08-27T02:42:00.000-07:00

It has been a delight to share this ongoing conversation with Lisa Copen, founder of Invisible Illness Week, over these past three days. If you have missed the previous two parts of our conversation, please visit Tuesday's and Wednesday's post before coming back to join us here. :)

Lisa, we both know that there are thousands of people with illness who feel desperately alone and think no one possibly understands what they are going through. What would you tell these people?

LC: Honestly, if I could just sit beside them and give them a long gentle hug I would do that first. I struggle with just listening myself; I always want to start solving the problem! But I know someone to listen to them is what most people really need.

Secondly, I would also validate that they are right--no one really can understand what they are going through. Illness is a unique and lonely experience. That said, there are a lot of ways to connect with people who understand more than they may expect; they just have to find them. There are lots of ways online to connect when you can't drive to a support group. Our social network is Rest Ministries Sunroom and I recently began Illness Twitters to connect people who Twitter about illness or health issues.

Lastly, my faith in the Lord is the foundation of how I cope with my illness, and so I couldn't walk away without at least encouraging them to give God a try. They may have had some negative experiences in the past with a church or Christians, but people are not perfect, and God really does have a plan for their life. And it's God's "Plan A." The illness hasn't bumped their life down to "Plan B." I can admit that this sounds cliche. But each day I hear from people who tell me about how their faith in God is the one thing that gets them up the morning and keeps them looking forward to the next day, rather than dreading it.

As you have been working to get out your message about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awarness, how have you seen blogs and twitter and other forms of social media make a difference, Lisa? Has social media increased how you've been able to reach more people this year to inform them about Invisible Illness Week?

LC: Absolutely. Exponentially! For example we've done a series of tweets on 20 things not to say to a chronically ill person and 20 things to say. Our twitter hashtag is #iiwk09 to find Invisible Illness Week tweets easily. A lot of interesting conversations have been spurred by these tweets. Be sure to follow us @invisibleillwk on Twitter!

We have over 1600 people who have joined our cause on Facebook. And we are giving away prizes to people involved in these different areas of outreach.

How can people get involved with Invisible Illness Week and find out more information?

LC: Thanks for asking! Just helping us spread the word, for example, reading and sharing about this blog post, is the perfect start to be a part of our grassroots cause. I don't have to tell you that we don't have a marketing budget! I hope people know that they are making a difference just by introducing other people to our virtual conference. And not just those who are ill, but spouses, parents, caregivers. Everyone knows someone who is ill. You can find everything about the week at our web site National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week, and we also have some fun items like buttons, tote bags, bumper stickers, silicone bracelets that say, "Invisible Illness, Visible Hope" and awareness pins.

Our theme this year is "A Little Help Gives a Lot of Hope."

We also are looking for bloggers who would like to be a guest blogger on our web site. Or you can just sign up to commit to blogging about invisible illness and Invisible Illness Week on your own blog through Bloggers Unite. We have a Facebook Cause page of course, so it's easy to share with friends and family. Share the video, the twitter "illness facts" we are sending out, things like that. Be sure to mention Invisible Illness Week to your counselor, doctor, pastor, peers, colleagues; we have brochures too.

Some people use this week as an opportunity to call their local paper and share about the week, their support group and their illness, and get featured in a story. Since it's listed in Chase's Annual Events journalists can tie it together.

Lisa, as always, it has been a delight chatting with you. I'm praying for you and for all the men and women in need of support like the kind they will find at the virtual conference next month! I'm looking forward to sharing with you voice-to-voice at noon on Sept. 15 as we talk about Coping with Crisis on top of Chronic and I'm so excited by the descriptions of all the different conference sessions and great speakers lined up this year!

Lisa Copen, part 2

2009-08-26T06:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had the joy of introducing you to my friend Lisa and her work as the founder of National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week (NICIAW). If you haven't yet had a chance to read part one of our conversation, please take a moment to revisit yesterday's post before picking up with us here. :)

Lisa, what was it that made you see Invisible Illness Week as necessary? Why did you start this?

LC: Well, a few reasons. I began Rest Ministries in 1997. It's a Christian organization that serves those who live with chronic illness and the sponsor of Invisible Illness Week. I kept seeing many people who felt very alone, misunderstood, and frustrated, feeling that their illness, pain, and suffering were completely invalidated. Some people have a spouse who even doubts the existence of an illness.

I also saw lots of family members, caregivers, doctors, churches, etc. who wanted to reach out to people with illness, but they said all the wrong things. Eventually they distanced themselves from their loved ones because they just didn't understand illness or how to respond to it.

The fact that illness and pain is invisible to see can make it hard for healthy people to understand. And those with illness can easily become bitter when their loved ones believe it is being exaggerated. It makes for a sad situation all the way around and I thought communication could be a helpful first step.

This sounds familiar. I've heard many people say this.

LC: It does, doesn't it? Even those of us who cope rather well with our illness on a day-to-day basis can still have moments of frustration. We may park legally in a disabled parking spot and we get the look from someone walking by. A friend may ask, "So are you all better now?" People don't always comprehend the difference between being sick and being chronically ill.

So you decided to start Invisible Illness Week and address some of these issues?

LC: Yes, I saw such amazing people who survive against all odds and still had hope and faith. I wanted to give them an opportunity to encourage others who were going through depression or hopelessness.

It doesn't really matter what our illness is, where we may live, our age, or how long ago we receIved a diagnosis, etc. The truth is, most of our illnesses are invisible and the fact that a healthy person is unable to see the symptoms we experience or the physical pain provides us with a lot more in common with one another in the similarities of our illness ever could. Once we get start talking about the emotions behind our illness we find out we are not nearly as different as we may have originally assumed.

What illness is it that you have, Lisa?

LC: Rheumatoid arthritis is my main chronic illness that I cope with on a daily basis. I received my diagnosis in 1993 when I was 24 years old. At a few years after that I started having symptoms of fibromyalgia and later receIved a diagnosis. Unfortunately, I have not ever experienced remission which is what all the doctors hoped for. So the last eight years has been a challenge as disease has progressed. I realize in many ways I am blessed and could be worse off than I am now and yet in the last couple of years my illness is becoming more and more visible rather than invisible.

I don't just cope with daily pain now, but I struggle to do everyday tasks such as unloading the dishwasher or driving because my hands and feet are becoming more significantly deformed. I am on all of the medications that you can imagine to try to slow the progression of the disease down but the last year has brought me into a new season and I have many surgeries that will need to be scheduled in the near future to keep any mobility I have.

Beyond the grace of God, what personally fuels your "grace tank", the driving force that enables you to keep giving of yourself even when exhausted beyond description and living in pain?

My husband is a gem and I couldn’t do any ministry without his support. And not just emotional support, but doing the dishes, the laundry, meals sometimes, taking care of our son, and more. My son is 6 and he makes me laugh. When you are trying to explain the Lord to a 6-year-old you learn a lot of lessons yourself all over again. I also go to bed early and read a lot. I will read my Bible on my Kindle and then I love to end the evening reading some good fiction. It takes me away for awhile. A lot of times I may end up back out of bed by 12:30 a.m., but I try to at least get to bed by 9 or 10 and have some quiet time.

I heard that you type with just a few fingers.

LC: Yes. I use about 3 fingers and my 2 thumbs. I have a voice program but I usually want to talk too fast and it can't keep up.

Even with your limited typing abilities, you have written several books including one that gives 505 ideas on how people can reach out to someone who is ill, right?

LC: Yes! It's called Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend; It's actually a very helpful book because even though I wrote it, I still refer to it frequently for fresh ideas on how to encourage someone who is hurting. Too often I get stuck in the rut of not being able to think of anything other than another meal. Food is a nice gesture, but there are so many more creatIve and memorable ways to show someone you care. We also have cute little JOY gift certificate cards that you can give a friend when you are offering to do something for them. JOY stand for "Just Offering You" and one can fill out what they are able to offer (errands, laundry, taking your child for a play date, etc.) and when the best time is for them to volunteer to help.

That's a great idea. I would think that it would be a lot easier to accept help from someone if it came in the form of a gift certificate.

LC: I think so. The cards are great for a support group, a womens ministry, or really anyone who wants a light-hearted way of saying, "I'd love to help. Here is what I am able to do."

Well, Lisa, thank you again for joining us here today. And also for starting National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. I understand that in addition to your health challenges you are also a wife and mom. I know it can't be easy to try to do all that you do.

LC: Honestly, it's not, but it has always kept me going too and I couldn't do it without my husband's support. Thank you for hosting me at your blog this week. I hope all of your readers will visit us at National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and let your friends know about our free 5-day virtual conference! We're going to have a great time!

Please join Lisa and I for the conclusion of this conversation tomorrow, where you will learn specific information about how to participate in the encouragement of NICIAW and the 20-session free virtual conference!

My dear friend Lisa Copen

2009-08-25T00:05:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to once again introduce you to my dear friend Lisa Copen, a great personal encourager to me for many years. She is also the founder of National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. This year NICIAW is September 14-20, 2009. Lisa is on a blog tour to help increase awareness of the week and its 5-day free virtual conference (where I'll be on of 20 radio guest talking with her throughout that week). There are lots of ways to get involved and since Lisa has so much great information to share with us, we will be spreading out these Q&As over the next few days.

Hi, Lisa. Thanks for connecting with us here today at Hope Harvesters™.

LC: Thank you for the honor of being here. I read a lot of blogs, but recently I've visited more than ever before and I'm amazed at how the quality and quantity of blogs on health and illness matters have grown over the last couple of years. Both the readers and writers of blogs have changed how people perceive different illnesses, because they reveal not just the symptoms of illness, but the daily lives of the people who live with them.

It is wonderful to see the growth in both volume and quality of awareness and support! :) Speaking of awareness, tell us about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. That's quite a description.

LC: Yes. Often I refer to it as just Invisible Illness Week or NICIAW. Our mission is to have a designated time, worldwide, in which people who live with chronic illness, those who love them, and organizations are encouraged to educate the general public, churches, health care professionals and government officials about the affects of living with a disease that is not visually apparent. Through programs and resources, we seek to recognize the daily challenges of more than 100 million adults and children who live with invisible illness.

It's also a great chance for people with any illness to be involved in a national event to increase the understanding of their own particular disease. They can use our event to blog about the emotions of living with their illness, for example, how they often may look perfectly fine but are in deep pain.

Why do you feel God has given you such a passion to advocate for the chronically ill, especially those of us with invisible illnesses?

LC: Honestly, I wish I knew. I never would have “chosen” chronic illness ministry—it chose me! And no matter how tired I get or overwhelmed with the business side of the ministry, I know this will be a passion of mine until the day I die. I just see so many people hurting who just want one person to talk to who understands. They just want one pastor to say, “I’m worried about you. How can we help? REALLY?” I see so many who are left by their spouse, abandoned by their children, misunderstood by their dearest friends. It’s so disheartening. The Christian community has a huge opportunity to minister to these people and include chronic illness ministry and outreach into their church alongside divorce recovery or widow ministries, etc. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to break down the resistance except for the fact that no one wants to acknowledge that illness isn’t always healed here on earth.

Explain the idea of a "virtual conference" to us. What's that?

LC: A wonderful opportunity to "attend a conference" without every having to get dressed! The main part of the Invisible Illness Week is our 5-day virtual conference--which is completely free--September 14-18. There are 20 speakers who are experts in their area and with chronic illness they will be giving a 40-minute presentation and then taking live calls. The seminars are M-F, 4 times a day on a variety of topics: going to college, marriage, applying for disability assistance, cleaning, finding the right job, faith, preparing for surgery and many more. All are free, listened to live or later, and even downloaded from itunes to your ipod or purchased on a CD.

That's a great idea! So are last years programs available too?

LC: They are. We used a chat room originally so we had written transcripts, but one can hear 2008's programs can be heard from a computer, itunes, or even purchased on a CD.

I know a lot of us would love to attend a 5-day conference on how to better cope with chronic illness, but because of our illness, traveling, finances, sitting for so long, and other factors, it just isn't possible, so this is perfect.

LC: Isn't it? It's kind of ironic that we began virtual conferences years ago, but now many organizations and companies are making this a trend because of the economy and costs of a real conference.

I'm looking forward to talking with you more tomorrow about exactly what is involved in a "virtual conference" and learning more about your personal story and your heart for all of us facing the daily struggle of invisible and chronic illnesses!

Coping With Crisis on Top of Chronic, part 1

2009-08-21T14:36:00.000-07:00

This is "part 1" of a 2-part series of notes for a radio program on Coping with Crises on Top of Chronic; Chat with 2 Gals Who Understand where Lisa Copen and I chatted for National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. For "part 2" of these notes, follow the link at the end of this message.

A couple of weeks ago I was fighting the first day of a migraine (it ultimately lasted 13 days in spite of medical efforts to subdue it) when I got a phone call from my lab. There had been an issue with my recent blood work and it needed to be redrawn as quickly as possible. I figured I could wait until the headache and accompanying spotty vision abated enough to allow me to safely drive, then I could manage to get myself to the lab that was 10 minutes from home, sometime later in the week. Unfortunately, as the lab tech continued to apprise me of the situation, I realized that the vial that needed to be redrawn was one I had done nearly three weeks earlier at the specialty lab over a windy mountain pass nearly an hour away.

My phone rang at about 11 on a Tuesday morning and I had to have the redraw prior to an IV I would receive that next Sunday. Because of Post-Infectious Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS), my driving ability is limited to about half an hour from home and only on relatively straight roads, even on my best of days. The location of the lab already meant I would have to call in outside help to get it done. Not only would I need help, but I would need to be rather demanding about how and when I received that help because the specialty lab only does these specific draws on Mondays, Tuesdays or Wednesdays before 1 PM. I had to somehow either get myself to the lab within the next two hours that very day, or hit a specific five-hour window the next. If I could not arrange childcare, someone to drive me, and cope with the effects of motion sickness on top of my migraine misery before 1 the following afternoon, I would have to try to reschedule my IVIG therapy for a second time, the treatment we had fought for the past 18 months for insurance approval to be able to begin!

My mom, who was herself dealing with pre-op workups for a knee replacement surgery, helped me figure out a plan for my dad to drive me and three kids up the mountain the following morning and still get back down to town in time for my x-rays at the orthopedic surgeon’s office the next afternoon. I certainly didn't want to miss that appointment and delay my hopes of getting my broken foot out of a cast after 10 weeks of slow healing! Before the week was over, Mom would also end up driving me to my primary care doctor’s office for migraine shots two days in a row. As I tried to juggle all those different medical demands, I joked with my mom that I never knew that being sick could be such hard work!

Do you ever feel like living with a chronic illness is a full-time job? And as if managing your “regular” health challenges isn’t complicated enough, what do you do when a crisis situation comes along on top of the daily juggle of pain, unpredictable symptoms, medical care and the financial strain that can accompany it all? Life doesn't just stop because of illness. Accidents, sorrows, trials and tragedies (as well as joys, victories, accomplishments and achievements) of all proportions still happen around and to us. When just coping with chronic already overwhelms us beyond our limitations, how do we keep from being done in by crisis, the surprise "extras" that come along?

I certainly haven’t figured out all the answers, but after living my entire adult life under the shadow of Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (ME/CFS) and taking some crisis journeys through unemployment, infertility, a few outside medical emergencies such as this broken foot, and several encounters with death, grief and loss, I have learned a handful of coping skills along the way. When crisis hits on top of chronic, here are a few simple survival tips I can fall back on:

1. Quiet Time.
This is a non-optional survival skill for me in daily living with chronic illness. While I might be able to scrape by for a few days without making scheduled downtime a priority, I can’t function on a continual basis without it. In a crisis situation I might be tempted to try to push through on adrenaline for a while, but if don’t make a conscious effort to slow down sooner rather than later, I will pay for it with a significant physical and emotional crash that will be hard to recover from. So while it may feel like there is no time to even catch my breath, in times of crisis I must be aware of my need for regular “time outs”.

There are two ways that I implement this concept in my life. The first is through daily “quiet time” every afternoon in our home. My kids are 9, 6 and 3 and know that every afternoon we will pile into my bed together for story time (sometimes I can barely get through a short, simple picture book that I ask them to read to me while on better days I might be able to read two or three chapters of a novel with them) then everyone will go to their own rooms and sleep or read or play quietly for at least 90 minutes. We have done this since the oldest was a baby. (I encourage moms who are newly trying to implement this technique with older kids who might be resistant to the idea, to start with even just 15 or 20 minutes and work your way up.) On days when I can barely function and wonder how I will ever make it through the day, I know that if I can hang on until quiet time, I will have a chance to recharge at least a bit; on these days quiet time sometimes becomes 2 or 2½ hours rather than just our regular 1½.

On a spiritual level I need daily quiet time as well. God calls me to “Be still, and know that I am God…” (Psalm 46:10). In my weakest moments it might be all I can give to simply lay still and try reflect on who God is, being thankful that He loves me, broken as I am. Other times I can make a more active pursuit of knowing God by spending time reading and meditating upon His Word (my Bible), by praying (simply talking to God) or journaling my thoughts to and about Him. It is only in stilling this most inward part of my soul where I find the greatest refreshment and benefit of quietness and intentional rest. The words of Isaiah 30:15 are so very true; in quietness is where I find my strength.

2. Laughter is the Best Medicine.
Cliché, but true none the less. I can always tell when my husband is feeling stressed, especially over my medical needs, because it is in these times that he most frequently turns to humor to help us through. I cannot even begin to count the times he’s had me giggling with his tongue depressor puppets, or exam glove balloons, or silly comments only the chronically ill could love, as we’ve sat in cold exam rooms waiting for doctors to show up.

Going through fertility treatments I had to get really creative about finding ways to laugh at hormone injections and very invasive testing and treatments. I remember driving across town one day with a sperm sample in my bra (to keep it the correct temperature) and bursting into semi-hysterical laughter at the thought on how on earth I would explain that to an EMT if we were to get in a car accident on the way to the clinic and they would have to cut me out of the wreckage with the Jaws of Life! Sometime laughter is the only way to avoid tears.

Tears and laughter can co-exist as well! Funerals are typically solemn times of amplified grief. But have you ever found those in that inner circle of family and closest friends gathered around together and laughing at funny memories of their loved one’s life? Sometimes laughter comes through tears, but can be just as healing.

3. Support Network.
Did you cringe a little when I was talking about my husband’s playful support at my doctor’s appointments, my dad’s willingness to be both chauffeur and babysitter for my distance blood draw, or what it’s like to be in an “inner circle” of family and friends at a funeral? While I’ve been more blessed than most in this area, I know that support doesn’t typically come easily. We’ve had seasons when we didn’t live near extended family, had few friends, were not involved in a church, and my husband worked 80-90 hours a week. I felt incredibly alone and afraid without anyone to lean on. It was then that I learned just how important it was for me to make the effort to find/create a support network for myself (even when I felt like I have no energy to make that effort)!

Surrounding yourself with support is ideally accomplished before you are faced with a time of crisis, but often seems hard to find. I think this is true because others may not see or truly understand our need for help through the daily grind of chronic. It can be humiliating to ask for help too, even when we are crying out on the inside, “I’m so alone!” When we are faced with crisis, sometimes (not always) support more readily presents itself. When it does, it’s important to take that help offered, though we would all rather be self-reliant enough to not need it.

OK, so you are ready and willing to accept any support you can find, but can’t find any. Now what? Your doctor, hospital, local social services or place or worship are all possible starting places when looking for a support network. I’ve said over and over that I don’t know how people survive without the support of a local church family. Even though I have great family support now, including my parents who moved from out of state just to be near enough to help, I am still thankful for the additional help and encouragement from church friends and local support group members. Being involved in a supportive network also lets me feel like I have something to give back to others, maybe not in helping meet physical needs, but there is hope and purpose simply in sharing my story and showing someone else that she is not alone either.

Another huge advantage we have in the age of the internet is that there are support websites and message boards for just about any issue you can imagine, even those “one-in-a-million” type illnesses. If you can’t find an existing one to meet your needs, there are many free places to create your own online community. When you become a part of an online support network, you may not find someone in your own backyard who will be there to drive you to your next doctor’s appointment (but then again, you may make just such a connection!) but you probably will find many others who personally understand the fears and frustrations of your challenge, be it chronic or the crisis variety. I participate in several online support networks such as Rest Ministries (support for any form of chronic pain/illness), Hannah's Prayer (infertility and pregnancy/infant death support), and many disease-specific forums.

I realize these are only three small places to start the coping process, but this post is already getting quite long, so I’ll save my next three tips for another day. If you want a few more ideas right now, check out Finding Courage in Crisis, an interesting article I ran across earlier this month. I'm always looking for new coping concepts to tuck away for times of need. So how do you cope with chronic, with crisis, or with crisis on top of chronic? I really would love to hear what you have to share!!!

For more on this topic, join Lisa Copen and I as we talk (yes, in our real voices) during the National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week Virtual Conference on September 15. Between the two of us, Lisa and I have survived 45 years of multiple chronic illnesses including Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (ME/CFS), Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), Diabetes, Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS/PCOD), infertility, chemical sensitivities and more. We know that life doesn't stop just because we are in pain. Hear our radio chat as we share our hearts and experiences through surgeries, infections, IV therapies, broken bones, unemployment, adoption journeys, and grief ranging from miscarriages to the deaths of grandparents. We will talk about survival skills for coping the stress of everyday life when crisis hits and we'll look forward to chatting with you as you call in your own crisis on top of chronic stories too.

Go to HarvestingHope.blogspot.com/2009/09/crisis-chronic-2.html for "part two" of these notes or listen to the radio program at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/invisibleillnessconf/2009/09/15/Coping-with-Crises-on-Top-of-Chronic--Chat-with-2-Gals-Who-Understand.

Will You Help Me Dance? (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome)

2009-08-20T20:58:00.000-07:00

I've lived with a serious, disabling and chronic neuro immune illness called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) for the past 19 years. This illness goes by many names including Post-Infectious Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS), Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (CFIDS) and in the past was known as chronic Epstein-Barr virus (CEBV). You can find out more and learn the answers to questions such as, "What is ME/CFS?" or "Is it contagious?" by visiting the FAQs at the Whittemore Peterson Institute's website.

The Whittemore Peterson Institute is working hard to find both the root cause, as well as a potential cure, for CFS. They are a wonderful, compassionate group of researchers who have given me more hope in the fight against this illness than I have ever had. To help them keep moving forward, I would love to be able to purchase two tickets to their fundraising event, I Hope You Dance, on Sept. 12, 2009. I cannot afford these tickets on my own, but am asking my friends to consider chipping in to help me out.

Fundraiser tickets are $250 each. I would love to be able to purchase two, one for myself and one for my husband, so that we can attend this event and learn more about the ongoing strides at WPI. I'm asking you to consider helping me earn my way this benefit with your donation of even a dollar or two. For each person who helps me out with $5 or more, I will enter your name/email into a drawing for $30 in free products from Affordable Mineral Makeup™. If you can send me $10 or more, I will enter your name/email in a drawing for a Flower Bead Set necklace and bracelet from Gurrlie Girl ($68 value; or you may specify that you would prefer 2 entries into the makeup give-away if you would prefer). Any gift of $20 or more will get you entered into both drawings!

Whatever I can collect from this little drive will be donated to the Whittemore Peterson Institute even if I don't reach my ticket purchase goal, so ever little bit helps!!! Today it's a struggle even to walk, sometimes I'm in a wheelchair or simply in bed. Riding a bike just to the end of my block is no longer an option. Swimming is too much for me. Climbing a flight of stairs is overwhelming and leaves me breathless, wobbly and in pain. But I have hope that someday I will have a body that functions as it should again, and then I will be able to dance! Will you help me?

September Highlights

2009-08-19T10:06:00.000-07:00

I'm very excited about the posts coming to Hope Harvesters™ over the next month! Soon I'll be sharing an article on Coping with Crisis on top of Chronic, offering ideas on dealing with the highs and lows of life while living with illness. This will be a little preview of the radio conversation I'll be having as a guest of Lisa Copen on Sept. 15 as part of the 20-speaker Virtual Conference for National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. You will also get to know a little more about Lisa and NICIAW here when I interview Lisa next Tuesday and can get a feel for what this conference will be all about by reading this short poem, You Don't Look Sick.
---
Edited to add Sept. 15 radio interview link :)

In addition to our focus on surviving and thriving through illness, I am thrilled to be able to be a part of a special new movement called (In)Courage. (In)Courage is described as being "a bit like a beach house where you can put your sandy, dirty feet on the coffee table, help yourself to whatever's in the fridge, laugh late into the night with friends, and hear God's voice more clearly than perhaps anywhere else." It's a group of women coming together to share our messy, broken, imperfect lives as we strive together to offer all we are to the glory of God.

(In)Courage launched earlier this month and had about 20,000 visitors in their very first week of posts on the topic of "courage". Next month's theme of "hope" is near and dear to my heart and I look forward not only to sharing my own reflections about Hope in the Shadows on Sept. 19, but am eager to soak in all the wisdom from other real and godly women who will be guest blogging on the topic all month long.

Dawn won Rain on Me

2009-08-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

Because I never heard back from original winner of the Rain on Me book give-away, Dawn (entry number 10) has been selected as our new winner. Dawn, I have mailed you an email and ask that you please reply back to me at jsaake AT yahoo DOT com with your physical mailing address by this Thursday so that I can get you book in the mail to you. :)

How protective are you of your medical information?

2009-08-06T07:24:00.001-07:00

I struggle with how much of my story to share. With infertility I was ultra-transparent. With other chronic illness, I don't feel quite so inclined to spill "the good, the bad and the ugly," at least not all the time. I'm a huge believer in peer support, that it is critically important to the mental and emotional well-being of someone living with chronic pain/illness to know we are not alone. And how will we connect if we aren't open about the issues?
And yet there's just something daunting about having my medical history plastered all over the internet. Some days I feel very open and "tell all" while other days I worry about the reality that once something is posted on the internet, there's really no "taking it back," or realing in the potential long-term impact of revealing the reality of my struggles.
I know I post more than most, and usually I'm OK with that, but other days I stop and wonder if being so transparent is really the wisest of ideas? I certainly hold back more than I share because of that nagging sence of the unknown impact of the internet. Today's a day I feel overwhelmed and want to just spill it all out, but do I really want my great=grandchildren (or yours?) being able to access today's struggles generations from now? I just don't know! *sigh* Maybe I'll create a password protected blog where I can share all, yet not allow universal access to my thoughts???
How about you? Are you a tell-all kind of guy/gal when it comes to your health, or do you guard your information as private? I really can see both sides of the fence!

P.S. I'm on day 4 of a migraine I thought was resolving yesterday but was back with a vengance at 4am. I'm fighting for everything I'm worth to keep from throwing up because I'm afraid that once that part starts, it won't stop easily! (I've been continually nausious for about 5 weeks now with ongoing digestive issues, but this is a new migraine-related layer of nausia on top of the pre-existant virus or whatever it is I already had going on.) I had a 45 minute drive up curvy mountain roads (well ride actually, as I can't drive myself that far) for blood draws yesterday morning, followed by an hour back down the mountain and stopping at another doctor's office for follow-up x-rays on my foot. Today I see my primary care doctor to talk about the new medication that was called into my pharmacy yesterday that I'm not even sure what it's for, and Sunday I start IVIG treatments with my first IV anticipated to take 4-5 hours to administer and weekly infusions for the next 12 weeks. So there it is, today is a "spill it" day afterall.

P.P.S. I have not forgotten about the book give-away for Rain on Me, just haven't had a chance to select a winner yet. There were so many heartbreaking stories represented by your posts and I am praying for you each!

The Lord Gives and Takes Away

2009-07-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

One of my all-time favorite songs. It speaks for itself...

Rain on Me Book Give-Away

2009-07-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

I spent the entire month of June (and bits of both May and July) with my foot elevated and unable to bear weight because of a broken bone. I am still in a walking boot and won't know for another month if I will avoid surgery or not, but am very thankful to be walking once again! During my six weeks of rest I was blessed by the loving care of family and friends that God sent to provide all our needs and was continually amazed by God's creativity in supplying for His children. But I also had moments of self-pity and needed reminders that God could bring good out of this season of pain and setback.

One beautiful thing God did through this time where I had no option but to "be still" was to allow me to take a 40-day walk through the beautiful new book by Holley Gerth, Rain on Me: Devotions of Hope and Encouragement for Difficult Times. As an author I have frequent opportunities to review books and do enjoy many of the ones I am blessed to read. But there are a handful that stand out to me as "the cream of the crop" and Rain on Me is one of those beautifully crafted treasures that speaks to the heart. The writer in me just relished in all the delightful word pictures and the way Holley made a seemingly mundane topic such as "weather" come alive. The frustration in my own spirit over being down, and on a wider scale the ongoing struggles of chronic illness, were ministered to very personally way by Holley's reflections. So many meet me right where I lived and I kept thinking, "I'll have to ask Holley if I can reprint part of this one on my blog when I post about her book!" only to have the same thoughts about a different devotional a few days later. The "counselor" in found myself listing the names of so many hurting hearts who would be encouraged and ministered to by this amazing little book.

So rather than try to reprint so many portions of her devotional reflections, Holley has generously shared a free copy of her book that I will be thrilled to send to one of my blog readers at the end of this month. To be entered into my random drawing for Rain on Me please post a reply on this blog entry before midnight on July 31, 2009. Be sure to leave me an email address of some valid form of contact so I may get in touch with you and request your mailing address when you win. (Original winner will be given 3 days to reply to contest winning notification or I will move on to a secondary winner drawing.)

For more wonderful reading, drop by Holley's blog. Not only does she write beautifully, but she also gives away beautiful DaySpring gifts from time to time. ;)

Can't Afford Medical Care?

2009-07-03T20:30:00.000-07:00

Rest Ministries has put together a wonderful resource list of health-care related ministries that may be able to help you out if you need assistance obtaining medical care due to financial limitations.

Joni and Friends television

2009-06-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

Many of us have heard of Joni Eareckson Tada, quadriplegic author and artist who has a heart for hurting people and has created an amazing world-wide disabilities outreach. But maybe you didn't know that Joni is now hosting a television show offering insights into the lives of real people who are striving to harvest hope from their intense heartaches. Watch these inspirational programs at JoniandFriendsTV.org/.

What to Say When They Won't "Feel Better Soon"

2009-06-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

I have lamented, long and loud, the apparent great lack of greeting cards designed for those in chronic circumstances of grief, illness or other struggles. When you want to send a card of encouragement to a friend who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, a cheery, "Get well soon" just doesn't cut it! Or what about an ongoing illness, that while maybe not fatal, has dragged on for weeks, or months, or years with no resolution in sight? Or for someone who has lost a loved one and is several months or even a few years down the pathway of learning to live again in the midst of grief, yet still faces unexpectedly painful seasons?

For friends with chronic illness I've occasionally resorted to using typical "get well" cards then including a personal note that I know the card sentiment is greatly lacking but that I am praying for their ongoing journey. But all too often I've left the card isle frustrated, and for lack of knowing what to say and not finding anything that captures my sentiments well, I've ended up taking the worse course of action possible - sending/saying/doing nothing at all. :(

When recently reconnecting with an online friend who works at DaySpring, I shared with Holley my concern. Much to my delight, she introduced me to a beautiful line of cards called "A Time of Need". Far from your typical "get well soon," these cards address deep pain head-on, yet with much tenderness and gentle compassion. I've now reviewed more than a dozen cards from this line and found myself wiping at tears both for what receiving sentiments like this would mean to me personally, and in thankfulness that there is such a wonderful resource now available for me to use when reaching out to others. Next time you are looking for just the right words, I would encourage you to head for the DaySpring cards rack at your local Christian bookstore and draw a deep breath of fresh air as you read through the "A Time of Need" selections!

Broken Foot

2009-05-30T07:53:00.001-07:00

Just after we moved to Reno 11 years ago, I broke the small bone in my left foot that connects my little toe to my ankle. That break resulted in surgery and I still have two pins holding those bones together.
Well, graceful woman that I am, I managed to break the exact same bone, but this time in my right foot, the beginning of this week. At this point the foot is still too swollen to cast and the jury is out about surgery or not because of the placement of the fracture. So I'm in a splint with instructions to keep the foot elevated (thus greatly limiting computer access) and to bear no weight on it for 6 weeks.
On Wednesday we plan to take another set of x-rays and either cast or schedule surgery (depending on what the x-rays reveal about current healing) at that point.

Just in Case You Wonder...

2009-05-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have bad days too! I know it can be overwhelming sometimes to read messages of exhortation like the one I just wrote on thorns, because it is easy to feel like, "Is this author for real?"

Let me assure you, yes, I get it. No, I don't go around jumping up and down every minute (not that I can jump much anyway!) saying, "Praise the Lord, I feel so sick today!" I'm physically not doing well at all right now, and while I try to keep God's purpose in the forefront of my mind, like it was the day I wrote the thorns message, I have very down days too, where the unrelenting physical attack wears away at the spirit and the emotions as well.

I'm not saying this to try to get sympathy, just to let you know that while this blog is about Harvesting Hope from Heartache, I understand that some seasons are much harder to "harvest" in than others. If that's where you are right now, please know you are in my prayers and take with you this {{{gentle hug}}}.

Given a Thorn

2009-05-01T00:51:00.000-07:00

If the following post is just a little too "up" and hard for you to digest right now, check out Just In Case You Wonder... to see that I'm for real and understand about those down days too! {{{hugs}}}

I love gardening, but I usually find myself starting to loose the battle against weeds by early May, and by July my garden is overrun simply because I don't have the energy or stamina to get out there and fight them, especially as temperatures climb and I wilt, just like my unwatered flowers, in the heat. I don't know that this year will be any different, but I can dream of a beautiful rose garden, can't I?

So with high hopes of a different outcome this year, I set out to do my gardening thing this morning while those weeds are still young and tender and the air is cool. Things went along well for the first few minutes, until suddenly I felt this irritating sensation in my hand every time I moved it or tried to grasp something.

The pain wasn't debilitating, just "there" enough to keep me from being able to pull weeds properly or make much headway in my battle. At first I tried to ignore it and keep pushing through, but the more I tried to go on with my work in spite of the pain, the more "stabbing" the sensation grew. What was wrong? Nothing obvious, so I tried different ways of grasping those weeds without using my thumb and discovered that an opposable digit really is necessary for weeding!

On very close inspection I discovered the tiniest of thorns, just barely visible, poking out of the pad of my thumb. It looked so small that it seemed I should be able to simply brush or even blow it away without consequence. But the more I tried to get rid of it, the deeper I drove it into my own flesh and the more irritated my hand became.

I went for the tweezers but just couldn't get a good grasp on it. By very nature of it's minuet size, that thorn became more problematic to remove than a big splinter would have been. That speck on my thumb ultimately put a halt to my gardening for the rest of the day.

After favoring this hand all day long I've finally realized that I will probably have to wait for it to fester before I can work that irritating little thorn out of there. How could something so seemingly insignificant cause me to have to change my plans not only in gardening but in several other normal, daily tasks today too? The whole experience has left me reflecting on what it is like to live with the progression of little, daily, ongoing losses in chronic illness.

Yes, of course a thorn so tiny that it can't be grasp with tweezers may seem trite in relation to significant health issues! But might not some of the same general principles apply?

Before I first got sick, I set out with a goal, my college degree ahead of me. That first week when everyone else on campus was sick too, I didn't give my illness much more thought than I did that first irritating little thorn poke this morning. But as my fellow-students began returning to class and my fevers and nausea and memory lapses and debilitating fatigue dragged on for weeks on end, I began to see this was not something I could just keep pushing through and went home to sleep through three weeks of Christmas vacation.

Unlike my gardening today, I actually tried to return to the task at hand as I attempted a second semester at school. Within 36 hours back in the dorm I was as sick as I had ever been prior to those weeks of mom's home-cooked meals and pampering. This began my "grasping at straws" (or should I say, "grasping at thorns"?) stage of the journey, months of desperately seeking medical answers and trying every "sure cure" that was offered to me. Just like trying to remove the thorn caused greater irritation to my thumb, many of the things I tried in hopes of regaining my health actually exacerbated the situation and caused further decline.

A diagnosis finally came in the midst of that grasping stage. Just as finding that tiny thorn in my thumb answered some questions about why I was experiencing the pain I felt, I was relieved to have a name for my illness as well. But that relief was short-lived as I moved from grasping to festering with boiling anger as the realities of such a diagnosis sank in. I was not only fighting my illness but the heart-infection of bitterness as I raged against a broken body, broken dreams, and the loss of my any illusions I had of being in control.

I had to fester for a long time before I could reach the acceptance stage. Here I realized I was going to need to alter my life significantly around my "thorn" and learn to live with it for as long as it took to work it’s way out (in this case, maybe the rest of my lifetime). I had to develop a new definition of "normal" daily life, accepting that this form of "normal" could vary dramatically from day to day or sometimes even from moment to moment. Just as in gardening the simple task of grasping a weed was unexpected hindered by pain shooting through my thumb, my new normal with chronic illness sometimes includes feeling "fine" as I step out the door to get the mail, only to find myself unprepared for the exhausting effort of trying to walk back up the driveway.

When my husband came home from work tonight he immediately noticed three long scratches across the back of my hand, the result of carelessly brushing up against a rose bush this morning. But he didn't notice that little thorn in my thumb until I took the time and seemingly silly effort to point it out to him. Strangely enough, though they look ugly, those scratches don't hurt much, hardly even bother me at all. It's that unseen thorn that causes me to alter the very way I usually do things. Just as in illness, often the obvious struggles are easier to cope with than the unseen conditions that cause others to wonder why I claim to be sick or can be unreliable to fulfilling my commitments when I look so healthy.

In the book of 2 Corinthians, chapter 12, the apostle Paul writes:

7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

- NIV

I don’t know all the reasons why God has allowed my “thorn in the flesh”. Is it to keep me from becoming conceited? Possibly so, for I know illness has certainly humbled me and helped me to realize that God is God and I am not!
Is it a “messenger of Satan” intended to torment me? Only God knows for sure why He allows any kinds of trials in my life, but I am comforted by the book of Job to see that if satan has been allowed to bring any pain into my life, that his influence must be filtered and tempered through Heaven first. He can only touch me as far as God allows and his powers are limited by God's strict parameters. Like Job, I can only see a terribly small sliver of what is actually happening in our world as influenced by the spiritual realms, but I do know that God is the one ultimately in control!

So as for the source of my "thorn" I can say with confidence that I know that God has the power to prevent these trials, but in His great wisdom He has chosen to allow them in my life (be it directly through satan or simply as a natural by-product of this broken, fallen world) for some perfect reason. Because I cannot see the big picture from His perspective, instead I must cling to His promise that His grace is enough and accept that His power can shine most fully through me when I yield my heart to His plans. Therefore, I will boast gladly in my weakness and thank Him for the power that He gives me for every step He enables me to take, every breath He blesses me to draw.

James chapter 1 says,

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I don’t know that I can honestly say I “delight” in my weaknesses quite yet, though I am beginning to see that if it was "given" to me, then I can choose to accept it as a "gift" and look for joy even in the midst of struggle and pain. A bit later in that James passage we read,

17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Even though my physical condition is ever changing, I can cling to my unchanging God! I pray that He will refine and mature me through this process so that others will see Christ’s strength in and through me even if they fail to understand about my thorns.

-----------------

The theme of the May Christians with Chronic Illness Blog Carnival is "Coping with Loss". What is something you miss since you have had your chronic illness/pain? How have you been able to adjust and accept the fact you can no longer do “it”? What new hobbies or activities have you found you enjoy that somewhat replace what you lost? What has your family missed concerning your illness and how have you found a way to change the way you do things so you can still participate in family activities? Read additional articles from theis Carnival at http://chronicillnesssupport.wordpress.com/2009/05/15/christians-with-chronic-illness-blog-carnival-2

Submit your ideas for the June carnival at ChristiansWithIllnessBlogCarnival.com by June 5 to have your post considered for next month's carnival selections. Next month's topic is anything related to children while living with chronic illness, such as keeping them busy over the summer, the grief of not being able to have kids (or maybe choosing not to due to illness), the stress of keeping up with kids, etc.

When Healing Comes

2009-04-30T08:12:00.000-07:00

The following is a video that was put together by an online friend, Lisa Buffaloe, who lives with Lyme Disease. The words and music were also written by another Lyme patient, Lisa Bevill. I found this song to be a nice ballance to my recent article on waiting with hope when God chooses not to heal.

Virtual Spa Weekend

2009-04-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

The first weekend in May, Hannah's Prayer Ministires (Christian infertility and pregnancy loss support ministry I helped launch nearly 15 years ago) will be holding a retreat in OH. There will be about 40 ladies gathered to encourage and support one another. The theme of the weekend will be "Beautiful In His Sight" and the guest speaker is Ginger Garrett, author of Beauty Secrets of the Bible (as well as a devotional book on infertility and several award-winning Christian fiction titles). I know it will be a wonderful, blessed weekend for all who attend!

Unfortunately, there are hundreds of women who are regular participants on the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums who are unable to attend for a variety of reasons (mostly, the prohibitive cost of travel) but would really love to be there. As the excitement builds on our Forums for the ladies who will be attending, the disappointment for those who cannot is growing as well. And so I'm going to be hosting a Virtual Spa Weekend on my InnerBeautyGirlz blog from May 1-3.

This event will be open to everyone, but especially geared toward the ladies of Hannah's Prayer. I am looking for home-spa ideas, beauty treats and suggestions, guest blogger articles on beauty (with fun tips for our bodies, but also a focus on inner beauty), and product donations for drawings and give-aways throughout the weekend. Since my target readers that weekend will all be dealing with infertility or the death of a baby, I need to specifically avoid child-related posts and products (like using examples from motherhood in your stories).

Please share your suggestions for this event! Have a beauty topic you would like to write a guest blog about? Have a product you would like to donate as a give-away (and get your business featured in the process)? Have any creative ideas and suggestions for creating an at-home-spa experience? I would love to hear from you!

Be a Blessing

2009-04-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

Though there are days when living with a chronic illness is very lonely, I am amazed when I look back and count my blessings and think of all the ways God has provided encouragement in the midst of my frustrations. He's used willing people to bless me more times than I can count, sometimes through big things, but often just through simple acts of kindness, like a phone call or card or even a hug.

Since I know many readers of this blog are struggling with infertility or the death of a child and the article shared many specific examples from parenthood, it fit better over at my InfertilityMom blog, but if you are looking for ideas and longing to be a blessing to someone else, check out my latest thoughts on Helping a Friend with Chronic Illness.

Father in Heaven, thank you for the many friends who have very personally and practically blessed me in the midst of chronic illness. They have been your hands and feet and I am reminded through them that you care as well.

Cardboard Cricket Surprise!

2009-04-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

There are good surprises in life and there are surprises of the not so great kind. Last month I experienced both kinds within 36-hours.

The first surprise might best be described as a “blindside.” I ran across a friend I hadn’t seen in a few weeks and apologized for missing a recent party in her honor. When I made mention of the fact that I had really wanted to be there but was flat in bed at that point, unable to even care for my own children for nearly 2 weeks, she launched into a lecture about how my illness was not of God, that it wasn’t His will for my life and that we needed to stand in faith that I will be fully healed of all remnants of health struggles.

Those words alone weren’t so blindsiding. I’ve had similar conversations with others before, and can truly appreciate the sincerity with which they are spoken and the compassion or conviction from which they stem. What made this conversation different was that it really wasn’t a “conversation” at all, but rather a five-minute monolog, giving me very little chance to respond or interject any other opinions or alternative points of view. While I have had multiple opportunities to hash through my beliefs on faith and healing over the past two decades, I was given no voice and was left feeling judged and rejected (though I do not believe that was her intent). By the time I found reason to politely excuse myself, I had resorted to simply nodding my head in dumfounded disillusionment, knowing that every time I opened my mouth I would be cut off or undermined anyway.

While I’ve lived at peace with God’s plan for my life for many years, this encounter shook me! I couldn’t get to sleep that night without talking it through with my husband and once again offering it all up the Lord in prayer. I had to start back at square one with questions like, “If I’ve asked God to heal me and He hasn’t, is my faith lacking? Is this proof that I’m ‘double minded’ because maybe I haven’t ‘prayed believing’ enough?”

I wrestled with the Lord for the next day and night as well. “Father, show me if I should be taking more aggressive steps in trusting You or claiming and applying specific passages on healing to my life. I believe you can heal me, but I also believe You have shown me this isn’t Your plan right now. If this isn’t Your plan, I have to believe that this illness is ‘of You,’ or at the very least ‘allowed by You’ as part of Your best plan for my life. But if I’ve got it wrong and You want a change in my attitude, please show me how faith fits into this whole picture? I don’t want to reject any good and perfect gift You have for me, be it illness or healing, but I’m so confused and hurt right now.”

My second surprise came as I was snuggling my sweet 6-year-old early the next morning. The book we were reading is supposed to have sound effects of a cricket chirping merrily on the final page, but it has never worked in the 3+ years we have had it, though we bought it new, have changed the batteries and done everything in our power to make the book work as it was designed. I’m not sure why we never returned it to the store, but we have become content to read the printed words and not expect any sound effects or to have fun making up our own effects as we go.

Even as I read stories to her, the battle ranged on in my heart and the back of my mind. And then God spoke, in His still, small, calming voice, through the words of my daughter and her simple act of pure, childlike faith. “Mommy, I want to pray that God will make my book work.” While I remained calm in my reply to her, my heart thudded within me. “Lord, I’m struggling with understanding Your heart in miracles right now. Please give me wisdom in answering my tender little girl and please make Yourself real to her even in this simple request.”

“Well honey, we can certainly ask Jesus to fix your book. And we know He is God and He can do it if He chooses, right? We know He performs miracles when He has a purpose in them, like when He brought the plagues on Egypt to bring the Israelites out of slavery. But we also have to remember that God is allowed to say no and we can’t get mad at Him if He doesn’t answer our prayers the way we want Him to. Sometimes God saves His miracles for really special, big things so that we know that it was only Him that could do them.”

“That’s fine Mommy. I understand. But I still want to pray!” And so we bowed our heads and she presented a heartfelt prayer about knowing God’s in control and asking God to help Mommy find just the right kind of batteries at WalMart so her cricket could chirp. She never even asked God to actually fix the book but simply thanked Him for it and closed with a peaceful “Amen.” Then she opened her book and it immediately started chirping, loudly!

“See Mommy, God fixed it!” Oh to have the faith of a child! Yes, God did save His miracle for a “special, big thing” – maybe to my daughter only a small stepping-stone to look back on as He builds the foundation of her faith. But to my hurting heart, a mighty and significant and healing balm! Yes, He still hears prayer. Yes, He’s still in the business of healing broken things (even cardboard cricket books). And yes, simple, childlike faith is all that’s required to receive His good gifts.

I was overcome with a wave of peace unlike anything I had known in the prior 36 hours of struggle. In that moment He met me with such deep assurance that no, my faith is not lacking because I have not been healed. He knows the number of hairs on my head. He sees when every sparrow falls. And he even cares about cardboard crickets and childlike hearts. So I can accept that, at least for this season, His answer to my prayer for healing has simply been “no” and that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been answered.

In the end I’m back at Jesus’ question to the sick man by the Sheep Gate pool in John 5, “Do you want to get well?” I cry out, “Yes Lord, you know I want to be well!” Yet this truth, that I do want health and would readily and joyfully accept such a gift from the Lord in an instant should He choose to heal me, is tempered by the understanding that of all those people waiting by the pool, for some purpose known only to Him, Jesus chose to heal only one that day.

So rather than demanding a miracle (and throwing a fit that He’s not doing things my way) from the one who has already given more than I deserve by ransoming my life with the blood of His Son, I must humbly add, “Lord, not my will, but Yours be done.” I do not have to question why I wasn’t the “one” He planned for healing, but rather trust that God has some purpose in my pain, some reason to allow illness to remain in my body until the day He gives me a glorified one in Heaven. If He receives any measure of glory through my broken vessel, then praise the Lord! While I am ready for healing, I am also willing to continue trusting Him and depending on Him day-by-day if physical healing is not His perfect plan for my life.

Surprises come in all shapes and sizes, sometimes blindsiding, sometimes shockingly joyfully. I’m thankful for both kinds He brought into my life last month because they each challenged me to assure that I was not living in complacency. I had become “comfortable” with my illness again, and while I do feel God has a purpose in my pain, it’s good to be shaken up and look at faith from a fresh perspective from time to time. Though the deep probing of my heart was painful, I am thankful for the chance to be reaffirmed in my position of trust in God’s plan. And a cricket’s chirping, be it real or electronic, will forever more be a beautiful reminder to me of God’s surprises!

Asking for Prayer

2009-02-22T21:39:00.000-08:00

I have a chronic illness that stems back to a virus I had as a child and the acute onset of additional complications my freshman year of college. I've lived my entire adult life battling pain and debilitating fatigue and a range of other symptoms, but some seasons are better than others. At my worst I spent 2 years nearly entirely bedridden, so I am very thankful for every day I can get out of bed and function at a reasonably normal level.
Having said that, I am going through a pretty rough season right now and could use some extra encouragement and prayers. I am seeing a wonderful doctor (one of the world's leading specalists in his field!) and am receiving the most in depth care I've had in 20 years. I am very thankful!
But my current treatments are taking a toll on me and I'm struggling physically at a level I haven't faced on a daily basis in several years. My doctor had warned me that this 6 weeks of treatment could make me feel a lot worse before I started seeing any benefits, and for the first 2 weeks I thought I had gotten off pretty easily. But the harder parts hit with vengance a few days ago and I know I still have 3 1/2 weeks ahead of me for this particular treatment.

Thank you for your prayers. I am striving to "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12). These struggles, while seemingly all-consuming to me in the midst of them, are truly "light and momentary" (2 Corinthians 4:17) in the grand scope of eternity and even God's plan for my life here and now! Even so, I can so easily loose sight of God's grace and mercy and start down the path of self-pitty when I know that choosing joy is the better path on all counts! So your prayers are a blessing and I humbly ask you to uphold me before the Lord at this time, yes, for physical endurance and even healing if it is the Lord's good pleasure to grant this blessing. But most of all I ask your prayers that my heart would remain right before Him in the midst of this current struggle and that I would continue feeding on the joy of the Lord.

What Consumes Me

2009-02-14T18:51:00.000-08:00

Last night (evening before Valentine's Day) I had the pleasure of sharing a little bit at a women’s event. It was a diverse mixture of women in attendance: married, divorced, singles, moms, those without children, those who had lost children...

I wore a red turtleneck sweater. Over the sweater I wore a beautiful, large crystal-cut heart necklace. Under my sweater, unseen by anyone, I wore a second heart necklace, one of solid metal and inscribed with the words of John 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

We started by talking about thoughts that came to mind when hearing the words “consume” or “consumed". Answers varied from eating and drinking to living in a “consumer-driven” society where we practices "consumerism" of material goods. I then asked for input about what kinds of things we can be consumed by or that consumes us. The first answer was “fire,” followed by more of an understanding of what I was getting at: all-consuming goals, passions, ideas, anger, fear, etc.

I then pointed to my crystal necklace and talked about the ways we can strive to look beautiful on the outside and reflect a good image to the world around us, just like the facets on this necklace reflect beautiful colors and light. To look at most of us you might think that we “have it all together.” But if I take off my necklace (as I did while saying these words) and hold it off by itself, we can see that all that beauty is just outward and that inside there is nothing there but plain glass. Sometime what we portray to the world is simply a disguise for the fragile emptiness we are feeling inside.

We all have different heartaches. Yours may be longing for someone to love or be loved by. It may be seeking fulfillment in an unfulfilling job. It might be trying to make your body look differently than it does in order to fill that void in you heart. For me it was a combination of infertility and losses, along with chronic health issues, that lead me to the point of desperation and even contemplating suicide. No one could see that lonely emptiness inside, but I knew it was there. I was consumed by the pursuit of motherhood and my feelings of failure as a woman because I couldn't get there. The heartache and grief consumed me every day and I felt abandoned by God because it seemed that He didn't even care.

But thankfully how I may "feel" about God doesn't dictate reality. Lamentations chapter 3 is a long book of heartache about all the things this author suffered. But hidden right in the midst of his complaints, he dramatically shifts gears for a few verses and boldly proclaims, "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." While I was busy feeling overlooked by Him, He had already been going out of His way to prove the opposite to me.

What is the value of something? It isn't really the cost of an item as much as it is what someone is really willing to pay. There are many things I don't buy because the price tag is higher than I feel the value to be. But God placed the ultimate value on me when He choose to pay the price of His son's life to prove His love for me! Many of us know the verse John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." God made this verse very personal to me in the midst of infertility when I realized that "God so longs to call me His daughter that He allowed the death of His only biological son to pay the price of my adoption."

If you are feeling empty and fragile and wondering about God's love for you, He has already proven it better than any knight in shining armor ever could. John 15:13 is engraved on this necklace (as I pull the second necklace out of its hiding place and let it rest outside my sweater) and states that "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." Just like this necklace is strong and solid and full of meaning, when I put my hope in God and trust Him at His word even when I don't "feel" Him there, He fills that empty place in my heart with hope.

” Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness…
For men are not cast off
by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.“

-Lamentations3:21-23, 3:31-32 (NIV)

Christian Infertility Support Retreat

2009-02-10T12:47:00.000-08:00

Event: Hannah's Prayer Retreat
Date: Fri, May 01, 2009 - Sun, May 03, 2009
Place: Cincinnati, OH
Details: This retreat is for married women who have experienced infertility, pregnancy loss, or infant death. Join other sisters in Christ who know the pain these experiences bring, and be encouraged together to look to Christ for hope and healing.

Location: Sheraton Cincinnati Airport Hotel, 2826 Terminal Drive, Hebron, KY 41048

Cost: $200 per person for event, hotel, and all meals. $65 per person local option for event and Friday dinner only.

Speaker: Ginger Garrett, author of several books, including Moments for Couples Who Long for Children and Beauty Secrets of the Bible.

The theme is "Beautiful in His Sight." Through worship, prayer, encouraging messages, various workshops, and fun & fellowship, we hope to strengthen our relationship with Christ and one another and be reminded that even though our bodies don't work the way they're "supposed to" and our lives are not turning out as we'd planned, we are precious and beautiful and loved by the Lord, and He has a great plan for our lives, whether He sends us children or not.

God brings beauty from the ashes in our journey!

For more information or to register, please visit Hannah's Prayer Ministries at http://www.Hannah.org

Personal Update

2009-01-20T17:11:00.000-08:00

I would say that I'm 90=95% recovered from my actual surgery now. And on many levels I feel so much better to be free of the issues that brought about surgery in the first place! I've had occasional moments of emotional struggle (it is now physically impossible for me to ever conceive or carry another baby - even though we have been blessed with living children, this is still something pretty major to process after all those years of infertility), but overall I've had great, overwhelming, only-God-explained peace from the standpoint of emotional ramifications. I know the surgery needed to happen and am glad it is over with.

It's taken me this long to post again because just two weeks after surgery I was faced with some pretty significant health news of a totally different kind, this time related to the other chronic health issues that I've lived with for over 18 years. I had undergone a serious round of medical testing early in 2008 and finally received my full results the last week of December. I'm still trying to process all of this news, the ramifications (both immediate and long-term) and what parts I'm ready to blast out into cyberspace or what parts I feel the need to keep more private for a season. I've always been an "open book" with my health issues, but this time I just don't feel ready to share all the details to an unlimited, and sometimes unknown, audience just yet.

At this point I'll simply say that I'm doing a lot of deep thinking and reflecting and journaling at this stage. I'm pretty sure that many of the things God is teaching me right now will probably eventually make it to this blog, either along with specifics of the medical issues behind those reflections, or at the very least as devotional commentary applicable to a wide range of heartaches. So I ask your forgiveness in advance if I have some quiet seasons, but please understand that my quietness does not mean I'm ignorning this blog, just preparing my heart for what God would have me share in the future.

The one thing I do feel ready to say is that God has been working on my heart in the area of joyfulness. Over the past 3 years God has given me the "theme word" of hope, starting with the title of my book (that was not the working title I used when writing it, but the title that was given by my publisher and ultimately proved to be the perfect choice), and confirmed over and over again by vaious things God kept doing in my life through that season.

Now I'm not saying that I'm "loosing hope" for I think hope and all it's accompanying Scriptures and lessons will always hold a special place in my heart. But to that hope, God is now adding joy and I feel that I have a new "theme word" for this new year. Joy is something I found myself actively pursuing, delighting to be finding on deeper levels in the Lord, and excited to delve deeper into this year. I look forward to sharing more with you on this topic in the days to come.

Mascot?

2009-01-20T17:00:00.000-08:00

OK, mascot isn't really the right word. And I know this is nothing like the Bible's awesome description of angels! But I found a figurine that seemed the perfect fit for this blog. They say a picture is worth a thousand words and this image seems to capture a lot of the emotion of Harvesting Hope. I've been eyeing it for a few months now and realized today that I had never shared it with you, so here she is:

ChristianBook.com calls her the "Blessings of Hope Angel Figurine" but in my mind she is the "mascot" (Can someone please give me a better word to use here?) for Harvesting Hope from Heartache™ and seems to fit so beautifully with our verse. Yes, she is an angel, but she could just as easily be a woman gathering those sheaves as talked about in our Psalm 126 verses above.

Quotes to Ponder

2008-11-02T12:39:00.000-08:00

I'm preparing for surgery in a couple of weeks and in the meantime the tummy flu is making its way through our family. Since I haven't been posting too often and probably won't be posting a lot over the next couple of months (surgery and recovery) here are a couple quotes I've run across the last few days that I wanted to share as encouragement and edification...

"For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation."
- D. Elton Trueblood, (20th Century American Quaker and theologian)

When All is Stripped Away

2008-09-21T20:30:00.000-07:00

The following blog entry was first written last April for my Inner Beauty Girlz blog. If you are struggling with things you wish you could accomplish but running up against limitations, I pray that it will be a blessing to you today. I thought to repost it because I have been feeling much of the same discouragement lately and after reading The Crippled Lamb to my daughter as I tucked her in for bed tonight, I was once again encouraged. That story never fails to uplift me!

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Sitting in church a couple of weeks ago I was simply too tired to stand for the singing time. This isn't at all uncommon - I sit through music time more often than I'm able to stand. (There were years when I rarely could leave the house to attend church at all, so just being able to be there is HUGE!) But as I am sitting I am usually singing and Signing (Sign Language) and stiving to give my whole heart over to worship.

Unfortunately, I started having asthma attacks about 3 years ago and I've found singing to be a frequent trigger. So on weeks when I can't sing either, I grab my inhailer, stop the asthma attack in its tracks, and consentrate on joining in musical worship through Sign. Recently I've found my arms to "heavy" and the pain too instense even to Sign consistantly. So a couple of weeks ago I sat there in church feeling very dejected and asking the Lord what I had left to give. How I could participate in corporate worship when I had nothing left to offer, no strenght to stand, no breath to sing, no ability to even lift my hands in praise?

Though not the song being sung that morning, He immediately reminded me of the words of Matt Redman's song, "The Heart of Worship" (view on uTube link below). A few of the lines are:

When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come
Longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless your heart...
I’m coming back to the heart of worship, and it’s all about You, Jesus...

What a great reminder that everything else is external (physical strength, the gifts of voice and hands, every breath I draw) but true worship, like true beauty, is internal. When everything else is stripped away, I am still of worth, I can still be whole, because of who Jesus Christ is. He is worthy of all I am, all I have to offer, even when my offerings are meager.

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm 51:17 (NIV)

If you or someone you love is struggling with health issues, check out Rest Ministries, a wonderful organization providing support and encourgement in the face of any and every kind of chronic health challenge. This group was started by a friend of mine and has grown into an international ministry offering local support group chapters, a print magazine and many forms of online support including daily email devotionals, message bords and much more.

(If you are reading this via email and can't view the video, be sure to drop by the Hope Harvesters™ Blog to see this beautiful video for yourself.)

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
- Psalm 73:26 (New International Version)

Well With My Soul

2008-09-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

In 1873, Horatio Spafford wrote the words to the hymn "It is Well with My Soul" after the tragic death of his four daughters. This powerful video is a great reminder of God's faithfulness even in the midst of the greatest of storms.

Infertility and Illness Radio Link

2008-09-09T16:53:00.000-07:00

I've been talking about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week since my very first post here. Well, NICIAW is finally upon us and I had the joy of talking about Medication, Illness, Fertility and the Desire for Motherhood with Rest Ministries founder, Lisa Copen this afternoon. If you missed the live broadcase, please turn in to the archived program at www.blogtalkradio.com/invisibleillnessconf/2008/09/09/Medications-Illness-Fertility-and-the-Desire-for-Motherhood.

Blog Talk Radio

2008-09-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow at noon (Pacific) I’ll be sharing a Blog Talk Radio broadcast about Illness, Medications, Fertility and the Desire for Motherhood as part of National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. Infertility is an invisble illness that, like many other chronic illnesses, is often misunderstood. When you live with both infertility and other chronic health challenges too, life can get really complicated! Tune in on Tuesday and let me share a bit of my own story, then call in and share your throughs and questions about growing a family while facing chronic illness.

In the midst of all the physical challenges of both infertility and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, the spiritual journey was even more intense for me. I wrestled with God, struggling and asking and demanding and pleading with him to remove the pain both in my body and in my heart. Like Paul with his “thorn in the flesh” I repeatedly “pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me…” I wanted nothing more than to be a mother and I couldn't understand why that joy came so easily to all my friends while I soaked my pillow with tears month after month. David’s words resounded with me, “I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears” (Psalm 6:6).

I sunk into deep depression, even contemplating suicide. It seemed so unfair that nothing in my body would work as it was designed. If I couldn't even acquire something as basic and natural of pregnancy, I just couldn't see any use God could have for a woman like me. Job’s words captured my despair perfectly, “I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine. I despise my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone; my days have no meaning” (Job 7:15-16, NIV).

Desperate words? You bet! I was a desperate woman. But by God’s grace, and through a long, slow processes of healing my heart, He did not leave me to my own desperation. “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand” (Psalm 4:2, NIV). I wanted healing, instead He chose to say, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9). Come join us on Blog Talk Radio and find hope in the midst of your heartache too!