I posted this to my InfertilityMom and beauty blogs last week, and wow does it seem to have struck a nerve! I try not to usually cross post the same thing on more than a couple of blogs, but it sounds like this is one that has met a lot of hurting hearts right where they live, and so I share it here as well....
I've gained weight the past year and a half. A lot of weight. I was asked three times last week if I was pregnant because I'm carrying most of that weight right out front in my belly. I've had a hysterectomy and dealt with weight gain from medications and many medical issues. There's no doubt that my hormones are way out of balance. I weight more than 50 pounds more today than I did when I was pregnant with our daughter eight years ago. About 40 of those pounds have been packed on the past 20 months.
I am frustrated. I don't like my body. I don't like getting dressed. I don't like getting undressed even more. I have stacks of clothes I can't get into, some now 3 or 4 sizes too small, that I've been stashing away for when I can get the pound off.
Today I'm choosing a new attitude. Yes, I would still like to shed some weight, for health, for self-esteem, for so many reasons. But the fact is, this is my body right now. The same Holy Spirit lives inside this broken temple who lived here when I was at my healthiest, most fit, most attractive days. I can make choices that will keep this body as well-conditioned as I am able, but honestly some of this is simply beyond my control.
So today I went through all my clothes, those horded away for someday and those still hanging in my closet, many ill-fitting even though I try to still squeeze into them. To my delight I found a few things I honestly didn't think would fit that still work nicely. :) I kept about 5 things that are very near to fitting, just a tiny snug right now, because if I can loose a few pounds and under-grow what I have, I still have a tiny cushion of options before I hit yard sales and consignment stores for smaller sizes.
I sorted and organized all the rest and can walk into my closet and know that absolutely anything I pull off the hanger will fit on this body and I won't have to fight through five or six outfit changes (and accompanying tears and words of self-loathing) just to get dressed in the morning. And as a bonus, I now get to bless some friends with an abundance of clothing that can be enjoyed again, no longer a source of frustration to their owner.
But godliness with contentment is great gain.
- 1 Timothy 6:6
Father, please grant me contentment in my "great gain" that I can have a heart to fully embrace the body you have given me and glorify you with it, just as I am.
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3 comments:
I am so sorry you feel this way about yourself. I am also overweight. I have lost 27 lbs since the day after Christmas doing yoga, weight lifting, cardio, and any and all outdoor activities that I can do including making a lifestyle change (not diet). A diet is the best way to make yourself feel worthless. Food is not the enemy.
You didn't gain this overnight and you won't lose it overnight. Just keep plugging alone. Let God handle the rest.
Oh Jenni, I know how depressing it is to look in the mirror and see a body that looks so different from what you want it to be. I pray that today you will have joy and peace.
I love the fact that you are so blatantly honest about how you feel. I feel exactly like this right now. Maybe it's vanity, I don't know, but I feel like junk inside and out right now.
But God is giving me peace through this time of injury and inactivity. Thank you for being such a sweet and honest and transparent woman of God.
Sue
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