Snails Lapping

My manuscript for Hannah's Hope was due to the publisher 12 years ago this month.

I had no idea then that I would even write another book at all. Once I realized that was God's call, never dreamed I wouldn't have a second manuscript to a publisher yet.
God's timing...

When I think of the current (pre-stroke) manuscript in terms of the writing profession, it is taking SO LONG and I get really sad and discouraged. (Hannah's Hope took me 10 months of active writing time. The manuscript for Harvesting Hope from Heartache has had 4 years of active writing - I started it a week before the strokes, then could not do anything with it for the next several, so it has been about 4 years since I had the single-handed typing coordination and eye-sight to get back into this project - and it is STILL not finished!) I think even the snails and turtles are lapping me at this point!

When I think of all I have accomplished in the past 4 1/2 years from the perspective of a brain stem stroke survivor who should not even be alive, and what I do type is through very slow thought processing and single-handed typing, I'm honestly rather blown away by what God is working through me THIS FAST!

Free Stuff!

Don't miss the give away for the book You're Chronically Ill...So Now What? by Shelly Benoit Hendricks (of RenewedDaily) over on my chronic illness blog (you must comment THERE to be entered) - http://givenmeathorn.blogspot.com/2015/12/book-give-away.html

Lessons from a Rose Garden

Edited to add a picture I drew, based on this post, as part of my stroke recovery therapy process.

This weekend, I posted a long update on my  stoke recovery blog, Stroke of Grace.  I wanted to share a portion of that post with you here, because, while not a topic directly addressed in my upcoming book, it will give you a taste of the "flavor" you might expect to find behind the devotionals in Harvesting Hope from Heartache:

God decided yesterday's gardening hours were a great living object lesson time. I had one really huge, really wild and overgrown, totally healthy [rose] bush. This spring it has gone crazy, throwing out lush stalks several feet long in all directions. It looked so vibrant, it seemed a shame to prune it at all, but it had grown so intently that it totally blocked a walkway between it and the next bush. I could find very little to prune for the health of the plant, but knew the only way to both reclaim my pathway and to encourage voluminous blooming of the whole plant later this spring, would be to bring the unshapen plant under the harsh cuts of the pruning sheers while the sprouts were young and pliable today.

After clearing out a very few branches in need of pruning, I took some well-planning, but perhaps seeming brutal whacks at the path side of that plant, adding dozens of feet of long, strong, beautiful, thriving branches to my discard pile, taking that side of the plant down by half or more in size.

June, 2013: end result of pruning!

I told God that it seemed amazing that rather than shocking the plant to death, I knew my actions were simply to bring around more intentional design and purpose, resulting in a more pleasing and fruitful bush. The more pruned, the more plentiful the expected flowering later this spring and summer.  He replied to my heart, "This is what I am doing in you!"

Once I had that first side molded to my design again, it occurred to me that now the plant looked pathetically out of balance, lopsided, so I continued hacking my way around the whole bush until it was beautifully rounded, but only a shadow of the lush plant I had started with. Still, I am confident that in a month or two, the pain I inflicted today will result in a multitude of glorious blossoms in my healthy, well-grounded bush that no longer risks uprooting in our violent wind storms, like the tumble weeds that roll down the street, much too substantial in size for their relatively tiny root structures to hold them fast in place.

The more I thought about it, God seemed to explain that my life was much like that rose bush, wild and thriving and chasing after every opportunity to stretch and send out exploring fronds. It took ten years of infertility, losses, and decades of chronic illness to begin to tame me, but while I didn't enjoy the pruning process in the least, it was necessary so that my vigor for life didn't lead me so far out of God's intended design that I couldn't accomplish the purpose He intended me to fulfill. It wasn't that those passions were unhealthy or unwise, but the abundance and scattered directions threaten to leave my roots unstable, thus becoming undesirable in their very abundance.

 

 Once that first season of pruning was brought toward conclusion, I had one area of my life mostly trained into obedience, but that seemed to make the rest of all my wild longing more prominent. I see the additional shaping of this strong, healthy plant as my strokes, the ongoing recovery journey toward recovery, and our private family battles. I have been left shattered, violently pruned under the often seemingly unkind hand of the Master Gardener, but he knows that the only way to refocus my many thriving branches (abundance of gifts I had been blessed with, such as a signing voice, playing my flute, the ability to gracefully communicate with both hands via Sign Language, physical beauty, artistic expression through a variety of crafts and mediums I can no longer physically manage, the abundance of home-based business I have tried my hands at over this past decade, even the continued homeschooling of my children, and so much more I haven't even had time to identify yet) is to remove all that fall outside His intent for my life, to not leave me all those opportunities for "chasing after the wind," but bring me down to the bare essentials and start the training process anew (if I had to guess today, I think the critical areas God would have me focus on now would be family, home, health recovery, and writing that may eventually lead to public speaking) so that I may eventually harness that untamed enthusiasm and bring forth a bountiful harvest under His intended plan. I get it, more clearly than I ever have, God. 

Jennifer Saake, last professional picture taken pre-stroke, October, 2010.

Choosing Joy

One of my favorite explanations of the work of the Holy Spirit is this one about God's sufficient grace and his steady work, quietly, like the changing of seasons.

Misunderstood

A friend recently pointed me to a fascinating article titled, The Most Misunderstood Woman in the Bible : Why Job's wife may have gotten a bad rap. Much of the article is speculation, but gives some wonderful historical and cultural perspective and food for thought such as,

Imagine the grief that overwhelmed her soul as she looked down in disbelief at ten freshly dug graves...

Clearly God chose to record her thoughts in Scripture, yet sometimes I wonder how fair it is to define an entire life based on one conversation. Nowhere before or after this incident are we given any indication that Job's wife was a perpetually bitter, unhappy wife...

Yet, if you listen to Job, you almost hear admiration. "You speak as one of the foolish women." He didn't say his wife was foolish. He didn't even say her words were foolish. He said, "She sounds like one of the foolish women."

In other words, "You don't sound like yourself." You might read these words like this: Sweetheart, that's not you talking. This doesn't sound like the woman of God I know and married. That is not you talking, my wife. Let's remember God's promises. Let's remember his goodness...

I would encourage you to read this powerful post!

Raindrop Blessings, Healing Tears

Laura Story has a story to tell, all right! Her new song, called Blessings, will be hitting the airwaves in April. Find out more about the song and Laura's story of discovering sometimes "God's blessings come through raindrops and healing comes through tears" at read the words here.

Inspired Women Radio

Today I was blessed by the chance to chat with Diane Cunningham, founder of the National Association of Christian Women Entrepreneurs on her Inspired Women Radio program. We spent half an hour talking about how God can use us, no matter our circumstances. Grab your favorite drink and join us to be encouraged. :)

Encouragement Day

Sept. 12 is National Day of Encouragement. To mark this day, DaySpring was kind enough to encourage me by sending a package of 10 beautiful cards so that I could, in turn, pass encouragement on to some friends. As cards spilled out onto my bed, I was delighted to see how God had inspired the card authors and artists to match the unique needs and personalities of several specific friend. Names popped to mind one after another as I quickly made a list of those who could use a reminder that they are loved and important and prayed for right now:


- a few friends for whom life has not gone as planned

- some grieving friends, including an elderly woman in a nursing home and the husband of a dear friend, both whom lost spouses to cancer within the past year

- a family fighting for hope in the face of long-term unemployment

- several battling cancer, recovering from recent surgeries, or fighting chronic health challenges

- someone courageously journeying through depression

- a couple of thank yous to friends who have been a faithful encouragers to me in the past

- someone who is learning to be a "single mom" in the midst of painful separation from her husband

In fact I was so encouraged at the idea of dropping hugs and prayers in the mailbox that I soon found myself selecting additional cards and addressing more envelopes. Most fun of all, I addressed a card that I think we be of special encouragement to a whole group of ladies who are closely connected. I included instruction for them to forward it on from one to the next, adding their own notes along the way, until the card has circulated to this entire group who is in need of a dose of extra encouragement at the moment. I'll tuck a book of stamps inside before I seal the envelope to help accomplish this goal. :)






In addition to being National Day of Encouragement, we are also entering National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and this year's theme is "each one reach one." Is there one person for whom you can find a small way of offering encouragement today? Perhaps send her an eCard, leave a sticky note, or check out comments at (in)Courage to see how others are offering encouragement today.

Are you in need encouragement? Please leave a comment and let me know how I can be praying for you!

Family Life w/ Chronic Illness

I posted some updates on my personal blog yesterday about some exciting finding for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (and potentially for a host of other neruo-immune, auto-immune and related conditions). (If you haven't heard much about the newly discovered human retrovirus XMRV, in the same family as HIV, read here first.)

If you are living with any kind of chronic health condition, you know the exhausting fatigue of just trying to "do life". Doing it well, doing it to your satisfaction, doing it to the fulfillment of your dreams, seems out of the question when pure survival is your state of being. What are your personal tips for "doing life well" within your limitations? Your limits might be financial, physical, health or other, but I would love to hear how you have risen to the challenge of harvesting hope in the midst of your heartache!

It was encouraging to me to read one such story this week as a reminder that not only am I not alone in these feelings of frustration, but that there are others "doing life well" while sick. It offered me hope that I might be able to better do the same. I honestly can't say I'm anywhere near where this woman is in my organizational skills (then again, she references a "sick day on the couch" as if it isn't her common state of being as it is for me), so I glean what I can from her story and don't burden myself with the rest. (Fertility-sensitive warning: Children and parenthood are referenced both directly and indirectly in the following resource.)

Making a House a Home When You Are Chronically Ill (and Chronically Fatigued!)

ADA

Today marks the 20th anniversary of the signing of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) into law. There's a great op ed article for CNN written by Joni Eareckson Tada today, linked along with a few specific prayer requests at Joni and Friends:
http://www.joniandfriends.org/blog/monday-july-26th-update-joni/

Calming Storms in My Heart

Contentment with Great (Weight) Gain

I posted this to my InfertilityMom and beauty blogs last week, and wow does it seem to have struck a nerve! I try not to usually cross post the same thing on more than a couple of blogs, but it sounds like this is one that has met a lot of hurting hearts right where they live, and so I share it here as well....

I've gained weight the past year and a half. A lot of weight. I was asked three times last week if I was pregnant because I'm carrying most of that weight right out front in my belly. I've had a hysterectomy and dealt with weight gain from medications and many medical issues. There's no doubt that my hormones are way out of balance. I weight more than 50 pounds more today than I did when I was pregnant with our daughter eight years ago. About 40 of those pounds have been packed on the past 20 months.


I am frustrated. I don't like my body. I don't like getting dressed. I don't like getting undressed even more. I have stacks of clothes I can't get into, some now 3 or 4 sizes too small, that I've been stashing away for when I can get the pound off.


Today I'm choosing a new attitude. Yes, I would still like to shed some weight, for health, for self-esteem, for so many reasons. But the fact is, this is my body right now. The same Holy Spirit lives inside this broken temple who lived here when I was at my healthiest, most fit, most attractive days. I can make choices that will keep this body as well-conditioned as I am able, but honestly some of this is simply beyond my control.


So today I went through all my clothes, those horded away for someday and those still hanging in my closet, many ill-fitting even though I try to still squeeze into them. To my delight I found a few things I honestly didn't think would fit that still work nicely. :) I kept about 5 things that are very near to fitting, just a tiny snug right now, because if I can loose a few pounds and under-grow what I have, I still have a tiny cushion of options before I hit yard sales and consignment stores for smaller sizes.


I sorted and organized all the rest and can walk into my closet and know that absolutely anything I pull off the hanger will fit on this body and I won't have to fight through five or six outfit changes (and accompanying tears and words of self-loathing) just to get dressed in the morning. And as a bonus, I now get to bless some friends with an abundance of clothing that can be enjoyed again, no longer a source of frustration to their owner.


But godliness with contentment is great gain.

- 1 Timothy 6:6



Father, please grant me contentment in my "great gain" that I can have a heart to fully embrace the body you have given me and glorify you with it, just as I am.

Where Can I Find Support?

My desire for Hope Harvesters™ is to offer resources and support that shower my readers with Christ's comfort in the face of life's deepest heartaches and losses. Every now and then I try to post reviews for new readers so you know where to turn for various kinds of support.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
- 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

If you are hurting, you are not alone. If your need isn't addressed here, please let me know what other kinds of resources you would like me to address in the future. Please follow these links (you will have to scroll down past today's post to find additional posts for each tag) for:

Cancer (The entire list of posts that will pull up from this tag are helpful, but the Nov. 11, 2009 post may be your best starting point.)

Chronic Illness

Depression

Grief

Infertility

My blog for Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss has recently been relaunched at www.HannahsHopeBook.blogspot.com offering support for a full range of fertility challenges.

InfertilityMom is my "most personal blog" sharing thoughts from basically every aspect of my life, ranging from being an after-infertility mom to writing, living with chronic illness, and homeschooling.

Given Me a Thorn is one of my newer ventures, a place to talk about my current writing on the life of Paul and living victoriously through chronic pain/illness. I don't know what my publisher will select as the finished title of this book, but my working title is "Given a Thorn" thus the blog reflects this concept. Here I include a few prayer requests, updates, and devotional links on Paul or illness such as the one I posted today. Obviously I hope to be much more active there as the book draws closer to publication.

InnerBeautyGirlz isn't really a "support" blog, but I pray it is a place where you will be uplifted. It is a cross between promotional posts for the companies I represent as a consultant (mineral makeup, Christian jewelry) and inspirational/devotional posts about beauty. It is my desire to have at least half of the posts be from the inspirational side, but I sometimes go through stages where I'm just too exhausted to keep up fresh content, so I will forewarn you that sometimes it's more heavily weighted toward only sale, discount codes and product promotion than I would like. It is my "fun" outlet and I really do enjoying sharing God's perspective on living in beauty for Him.

Free CD

Joni and Friends is offering a free CD featuring five songs sung by Joni: "The God I Love," "Praise My Soul," "Sometimes," "Joni's Waltz," and "May I Borrow Your Hands?," a duet with her husband, Ken. There is an opportunity for you to make a donation to Joni and Friends when you place your order, but it truly is a free, no-strings-attached offer that I pray will encourage you when you head over and request you copy.

Living With Chronic Pain

I've shared many portions of my story here in the past. Today I shared more details about both my struggle with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and our a bit of the background of our infertility journey over on my InfertilityMom blog.

Do you live with chronic pain? Please share your story. How may I pray for you?

Or maybe your pain isn't physical, but that of a heart crushed by grief instead? If you are a parent (or know one) who has lost a child, please visit my Heaven Born links for several healing give-aways today.

Side Effects May Cause Laughter

We've been talking about the very important issue of depression recently. For a change of pace, today I thought it was high time to look at the lighthearted side of living with chronic illness. Enjoy this 6 minute clip from my sweet friend, Lisa Copen. :)

Vote for me as a Health Hero?

I was blessed to be nominated as a Woman's Health Hero and I need your help! (Head's up to my friends who are sensitive to mentions of pregnancy, the sponsors of this award do promote pregnancy-related books on their website, so please be for-warned before following this link.) Out of all entries, just 20 names will be inducted into a Health Hall of Fame. Two Hall-of-Fame selections will receive special honors as either Staff Pick or Audience Choice award determined by the public (that's you!).



You will be allowed to vote on all entries between now and May 14 (extended one week from the prior May 7 deadline), 2010. The entry that receives the highest overall ranking will win the Audience Choice award. Last year's Audience Choice winner was my dear friend Lisa Copen from Rest Ministries. I would be delighted to add a similar honor to my "resume" as I continue working on writing my book on the life of Paul as encouragement for living with chronic pain/illness.

Will you please help me by heading to www.ourbodiesourblog.org/blog/2010/05/comforting-those-with-fertility-challenges-jenni-saake and selecting the "thumbs up" voting button at the bottom of my profile? Thank you so much! :)

It's Depressing

Today on Facebook I came across the following status update:

DEPRESSION is not a sign of weakness it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long. Put this as your status if you know someone who has or has had depression. Most people wont, but its mental health week and 1 in 3 of us will suffer some point in our lives. Show your support...♥

Depression is something very few people are willing to talk about, but I believe it impacts many more people than most of us realize. I can't even count the number of times, several just within the past few weeks, where women have sat down with me and secretly shared their struggles with depression. It's a journey clouded in shame, something we worry others will look down on us for, judge us over. Sometimes we hide behind a facade of being outgoing, the life of the party. Sometimes it drives us deeper into our own shells.

For much too long the church as a whole has perpetuated the idea that depression is rooted in the sinful inability or unwillingness to allow God to bring joy to our hearts. I do believe that depression often is entangled with spiritual struggles, but often broken spirits comes as a result of the imbalanced hormones and true medical issues that trigger depression in the first place.

I hope to provide several resources for coping with depression in coming posts, but today I want to start simply by letting you know that if you are facing depression, you are not alone. And so I'll start by opening my heart and sharing my own story, beginning in 1991/92. At this time I don't believe I was living in full-time depression, but I did experience frequent, terrifying panic attacks in conjunction with hormonal imbalance triggered by the onset of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I developed a host of fears and phobias and cried frequently, but also had times that were very upbeat and joyful.

As we progressed into 1993/94, joy evaporated. I sunk into a deep, black depression in the wake of infertility grief and all the daily losses of learning to live with debilitating chronic illness. At my lowest, I seriously entertained thoughts of suicide on a regular basis. :( God used my husband, Scriptures and the book The Ache for a Child by Debra Bridwell to begin my healing.

In hindsight I would highly encourage anyone who is where I was then to immediately seek medical and emotional aid though frank conversation with a competent physician and solid, Christ-centered counseling. It is truly a testament of God's grace that when I did not know enough about depression to understand how desperately I needed that help, that God, Himself the Great Physician and Wonderful Counselor, stepped in and brought about the miraculous healing I needed. Hannah's Prayer Ministries was born as a result of this season when God brought me up out of the pit, out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death and set my feet on a firm place to stand beside the quiet waters.

After our first miscarriage (Dec. 94) I had a different depressive episode lasting about 5 months. This time I was simply was void of feeling. Unlike the utter lost-ness, despair and hopelessness of the prior depression, this new grief-based depression over the death of our first daughter left me unable to laugh, cry, smile, be angry or "feel" anything - I simply was numb month after month. My breakthrough and healing here began with the final admission to myself that we had indeed been blessed with parenthood, even if only for a short season on this earth. To actually hear myself say, "I had a miscarriage," a statement that brought about days of gut-wrenching and unstoppable torrent of tears, was a huge milestone. Choosing a name of our daughter, thus "giving her an identity" I could relate to, was another step in overcoming this round of depression and beginning to work through healthy stages of grief.

Noel would be nearly 15 now and I still miss her, grief being a life-long journey. But my depression in the wake of her death was more than just a "stage of grief" and would be medically classified as postpartum depression (PPD), though I had no bring-home baby at the end. I still do not fully understand why, of all our 10 very painful losses, it was only Noel's death that triggered a full depressive experience like this, though I think some issues like our infertility, the fact that she was my first and (at that time) only child, and other life circumstances may have all been contributing factors.

Over the years depression has visited me in milder and shorter seasons, off and on, at various times, often linked to hormonal changes or health complications. My latest real journey through depression came with the conception and birth of our daughter who is now 7. (She is our second our of 3 living miracles.) This time ANGER best defined my experience of peri/post-partum depression. There were many elements that set the stage for this struggle, including secondary infertility, 2 miscarriages a year prior to her conception, a major surgery just a couple months before her conception, significant hormonal imbalance, having to stop our planned adoption due to pregnancy, high risk pregnancy with ongoing perterm labor scares and 13 weeks of bedrest, and out-of-control migraines during her first year or so of life.

It wasn't until after her 2nd birthday that I began to truly feel a connection with this sweet little girl I had prayed and longer for my entire life. I wasn't until after the birth of her little brother the week of her 3rd birthday, when I experienced the normal joys of new motherhood again, that I fully began to grasp and appreciate all I had missed out on, emotionally, over the prior three years. I was a functional mom while dealing with depression, falling into the mild to moderate spectrum of PPD this time, but it was an ugly journey non-the-less. My heart aches for several friends who have experienced postpartum (or any other kind of) depression at deeper levels, including several who have been hospitalized for their own protection (as I likely could have been in the early 90s).

If you or someone you love is walking through the valley of depression, please know you are not alone! Depression is not a sign of spiritual lack or weakness and it is a battle that can be won. Keep watching this blog for future posts spotlighting depression and offering helpful resources. And since the Bible has been my Light through my darkest days of depression (though I have to admit to actually throwing God's Holy Word across the room in my anguish a time or two) I would love to invite you to share the Scriptures that have most blessed and encouraged you in the comments section below.

Consider the Clovers

Growing in God’s Flower Garden is a sweet reminder by Lisa Copen of Rest Ministries, that we are never "overlooked" or insignificant to God. Take a moment to read it and be encouraged today. :)

...Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow...
- Matthew 6:28

Thorns, Weeds, Give-away and Hope

Dealing with infertility, pregnancy loss or adoption struggles or know someone who is? I came across a give-away for my book, Hannah's Hope, on the Life {Sweet} Life blog today, open through April 1! The blog author, Sarah, is currently pregnant, but has a heart for those still walking the road of infertility.

Sarah's also got some great things to say about FamilyLife Weekend to Remember. Read my review here or between April 5-26, 2010, register for any upcoming Spring or Fall Weekend to Remember using the promotion code "INVITE" and go for 1/2 price, only $129/couple!

I'm still praying my way through the life of Paul, thus giving a lot of thought to thorns and weeds. Today's post at (in)Courage, Ellie and the Weeds is a sweet reminder to let God be our gardener. (To my infertility/loss friends, the article is built sweet conversations between a mother and her 3-year-old, but this mother has also suffered infant death if this knowledge makes the sweet exchange more readable for you).

I would like to ask your specific prayers for protection over me and for my family as I venture deeper into my Paul writing. I'm starting to see signs that satan's not happy with what God's wanting to accomplish through this book and he's trying to attack us, invading my dreams with ugly images, taking reign over my tongue in ugly words that tear down my loving husband, and bringing a spirit of disorder and discord into our home. In a way I'm thankful for these attacks only because they affirm that I must be on the right track if the old snake would take the time to try to sideline us, but I also know God longs for us to come running to Him with our fears and frustrations, and so I ask you to join me prayer for God to be glorified in and through our family in a time of spiritual warfare.

Would you pray with me that the Lord will keep us steadfast in Him and bring joy and harmony to our home as He speaks truth to me and helps me to rightly divide His Word to share with hearts broken through chronic physical pain and illness? If you would like to join me as a prayer partner for this newest writing project, please leave me a note here or email me at jsaake AT yahoo DOT com and I'll send you periodic prayer updates as the book project continues to unfold. Thank you!