I'm often asked when I'm going to write my next book. In reality I've been in the process of writing a book on the life of Paul as encouragement for living with chronic pain and illness for probably close to 5 years now. Since Hannah's Hope took me about 10 years to write, that may not be such exciting news because it tells you I still have a very long way to go!
What I hope is more exciting, what I would like to ask you to partner with me in prayer as God continues to unfold His plan, is that this very blog is becoming a launching pad for what I feel God is turning into my "next" book. Yes, I'm continuing to work on the Paul book too, but over the past year God has me focusing more on an exploration of the Fruit of the Spirit and I've been working on a Bible study related to what He's teaching me.
How does the Fruit of the Spirit tie in with Harvesting Hope from Heartache? I'm glad you asked. ;) It all has to do with sowing seeds, gathering fruit, and ultimately what Source hope springs from. What better time to look to the Lord for help than in the midst of the trials? I'm very excited to see how God is tying so many themes together in my life as He's teaching me through Galatians 5 this year! I pray that this book will be as much of a blessing to you as the journey has been to me.
It is my current goal to have enough of this study written and ready to present to publishers that I can begin the query process around the end of the year or in the very early part of 2012. Will you join me in specific prayer that God will give me His words to write and that this project will unfold according to His will and in His perfect timing?
If you would like to stay updated about my progress, I've just opened a new Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/HarvestingHope and would love to have you "like" me over there. :) Feel free to pass this link along to your friends as well.
Showing posts with label joy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joy. Show all posts
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Showers of Blessing
Because I've lived the "drought" of infertility, I'm hyper-sensitive to the fact that my blessings can cause others pain. Similarly, I never know how to reply when I'm sitting with friends and someone who knows well my challenges pipes up with a phrase like, "Well, as long as you have your health, you have everything." It's not that I don't want others to honestly rejoice for what they have, it just seems people should put a filter on their words sometimes, considering the audience upons whose ears their words may fall.
Unfortunately I've lived so tuned into how I might unintentionally hurt others for so long that often I hurt those closest to me by default. I don't always celebrate my kids like I should, because I'm afraid of hurting someone still in the wait. I don't brag on my husband like I should, because I fear stepping on the tender toes of friends facing singleness, divorce or unhealthy marriages.
God's been working on my heart, reminding me that He is the Giver of all good gifts and that it is fine, even proper, to rejoice in what He has given. Sensitivity to hurting hearts is still good and has a place, but sometimes I need to shout His blessings from the rooftop and leave Him to care for those who might be unintentionally tender to my rain-fall-out. It's a delicate balance I'm still trying to work out and would love your input if you have any ideas.
This week I read a "repost to your profile if..." message at Facebook that I wasn't going to post because I immediately thought of several friends hurting over broken relationships. But God prompted me to think of my husband too and so I hesitantly copy/posted, "If you have a wonderful husband that works hard to provide for you and would do anything just for you and your family, then repost this as your status to give the honest, well-behaved men out there the recognition they deserve!♥ Because great men are few and far between, and I have one of them.♥"
Turned out my sweet husband had been having an especially hard week at work and had been feeling devalued by me as well. About an hour later he posted, "Great wives are also in short supply, and I have one of the best!"
In the Season of Rain, Pray for Rain posted at (In)Courage today is a great reminder to be thankful for the blessings God showers upon me.
Unfortunately I've lived so tuned into how I might unintentionally hurt others for so long that often I hurt those closest to me by default. I don't always celebrate my kids like I should, because I'm afraid of hurting someone still in the wait. I don't brag on my husband like I should, because I fear stepping on the tender toes of friends facing singleness, divorce or unhealthy marriages.
God's been working on my heart, reminding me that He is the Giver of all good gifts and that it is fine, even proper, to rejoice in what He has given. Sensitivity to hurting hearts is still good and has a place, but sometimes I need to shout His blessings from the rooftop and leave Him to care for those who might be unintentionally tender to my rain-fall-out. It's a delicate balance I'm still trying to work out and would love your input if you have any ideas.
This week I read a "repost to your profile if..." message at Facebook that I wasn't going to post because I immediately thought of several friends hurting over broken relationships. But God prompted me to think of my husband too and so I hesitantly copy/posted, "If you have a wonderful husband that works hard to provide for you and would do anything just for you and your family, then repost this as your status to give the honest, well-behaved men out there the recognition they deserve!♥ Because great men are few and far between, and I have one of them.♥"
Turned out my sweet husband had been having an especially hard week at work and had been feeling devalued by me as well. About an hour later he posted, "Great wives are also in short supply, and I have one of the best!"
Thank you, Father, that You are both found in the desert place and where the streams of abundance flow. Please help me to remember to take time to dance in the rain when you shower it upon my heart. Show me the balance between splashing in the puddles with childlike abandon and childishly splashing my blessings in the faces of those who are thirsty.
In the Season of Rain, Pray for Rain posted at (In)Courage today is a great reminder to be thankful for the blessings God showers upon me.
Monday, February 22, 2010
One Thing
Do you have "one thing" in your life you wish you could fix, change, replace, rewrite? Maybe it's a relationship, a loss, an unmet goal or expectation, a significant disappointment, a soul-deep struggle. While we probably all have many things we wish we could see unfold differently, what's that one especially sore "thorn" that follows you into every day of this life's season?
This morning I read a really fun and light, yet amazingly thought provoking devotional, based on that silly old song, "There's a Hole in My Bucket". It made me think a lot about the ways I try to fix that "one thing" that seems off in my life, how I try to fill "holes" and broken places rather than resting fully in God through them. I would love to share both the original devotional along with the thoughts it spurred for me, over on my InfertilityMom blog. Please join me at http://infertilitymom.blogspot.com/2010/02/one-thing.html
This morning I read a really fun and light, yet amazingly thought provoking devotional, based on that silly old song, "There's a Hole in My Bucket". It made me think a lot about the ways I try to fix that "one thing" that seems off in my life, how I try to fill "holes" and broken places rather than resting fully in God through them. I would love to share both the original devotional along with the thoughts it spurred for me, over on my InfertilityMom blog. Please join me at http://infertilitymom.blogspot.com/2010/02/one-thing.html
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Choosing Joy
17 years ago last month, my husband and I, just three months into a new marriage, set out on the intentional path of striving to expand our family. Our oldest living son turned ten this week, so obviously that dream was slow to be realized!
Through those first seven years we had just two positive pregnancy tests. One resulted in our oldest's birth. The other led to the miscarriage of our sweet Noel Alexis. It was 15 years ago tomorrow morning that the bleeding and pain began. Tears for a few hours, followed by five months of numbness.
In hindsight I now see that my total lack of ability to process any form of emotion after Noel's death was more than just "denial" or "normal grief," but rather grief compounded by post-partum depression. (A journey I would again face on a much grander scale after the birth of our second living child, our daughter who will be seven next month.) It took me nearly half a year to allow myself to say the words, "I was pregnant," or "I had a miscarriage."
When I finally did choke the words out, the flood of sobbing, body-wracking tears last for hours! The emotions that had been pent up for months, not allowing a smile, a laugh, a tear, stayed close to the surface for the next few years, never giving me a moment's notice of when they might spring forth. I had irriational thoughts, like wanting to walk up to total strangers and simply announce, "My baby died." Infertiltiy is brutal. Miscarriage is torture. To miscarry our only known child in the midst of a many-year battle through infertility threatened to drive me to insanity with the intensity of my grief.
While on the one hand Noel's death intensified the infertility experience to a more painful level than I could ever have imagined, on the other hand she brought a strange measure of healing as well. I found joy in knowing that after more than two years striving for motherhood, that I was now, and forever more would be, somebody's Mom! Once I could admit to myself that Noel's brief life had not been a dream, simply a "late period" as I tried desperately to convice myself, I found some measure of hope and comfort in the fact that she had actually touched my womb, even if all-too-briefly.
Naming Noel was a very helpful step for me. Rick and I, not knowing if I had carried our son or daughter, but both "feeling" she was a girl, prayed long and hard over the right choice of a name. We chose "unisex" manes with meanings that touched our hearts, spelling Noel with the male spelling but pronouncing it with the femine pronouncation. We figured if "she" actually was a son, then he would forgive us in Heaven, but giving "her" an identity that I could relate to was so very important to me. Her name means "Christmas Minister of Needs" for she came and went over the Christmas season and ministered deeply to the hearting heart of this infertile want-to-be mother. I read of how "Mary treasured all these things in her heart" and my heart treasured the knowledge of the daughter I would some day see face to face in Heaven.
I hated when well-intended friends would try to comfort me with, "Well, at least now you know you can get pregnant." From anyone else, those words seemed to invalidate my child's precious, unique life and the profound loss to have her missing from ours. But when not minimized by other's "at least" statements, to be honest with myself it also was a relief to realize that we were truly "only infertile" and not utterly sterile, that there was hope of future conception.
But it also terrified me that if it had taken two years to conceive in the first place, even with medical aid, that it might be a very long road to a second child. And now that I had a "history of miscarriage" my innocence was shattered. Getting pregnant was just the first step, but the expectation of a living, bring-home-baby at the end could no longer be taken for granted in my heart and mind.
If you have stuck with me through all this rambling, you are probably wondering what does any of this have to do with "choosing joy"? With the dawn of 2009 God impressed upon my heart that my "theme word" for this year was to be Joy. He's confirmed it over and over, and while my husband may wonder where that joy has been (because he's seen me in some pretty black places with my health this year - 10 weeks in a foot cast, followed almost immediately by 5 months of IVs - physically exhaused, grumpy and especially wrestling to process all the emotional anguish of news about this retrovirus), I have to say that God's joy has been more tangilbe to me this year than in any I can remember since we started the infertility journey 17 years ago. I may not always be "happy" but God's joy, bouied by hope, and sustained by peace that passes understanding, has been tangible in ways I cannot put into words.
Here, in this week where we mark the birth of Christ, the death of our first daughter, the birth of our first living son and the due date of the child who would have been turning 8 but is also awaiting us in Heaven with two siblings, God gave me a beautiful reminder of all He has taught me this year. The Christmas stocking I've had since childhood had too many holes for my husband to use to put some goodies in on Christmas Eve. So we pulled out a couple of "extra" stockings we had picked up one year when we were out of town for Christmas and had forgotten our regular stockings at home. One bears the script "Noel" while the other says "Joy." In past years, without hesitation, I would have instantly grabbed "Noel," thinking much more of the daughter who was not there to share in our celebration than of the Christ-child who's birth I should have been focusing on. This year, with only the slightest moment's indecision, I eagerly reached for "Joy" instead.
Through those first seven years we had just two positive pregnancy tests. One resulted in our oldest's birth. The other led to the miscarriage of our sweet Noel Alexis. It was 15 years ago tomorrow morning that the bleeding and pain began. Tears for a few hours, followed by five months of numbness.
In hindsight I now see that my total lack of ability to process any form of emotion after Noel's death was more than just "denial" or "normal grief," but rather grief compounded by post-partum depression. (A journey I would again face on a much grander scale after the birth of our second living child, our daughter who will be seven next month.) It took me nearly half a year to allow myself to say the words, "I was pregnant," or "I had a miscarriage."
When I finally did choke the words out, the flood of sobbing, body-wracking tears last for hours! The emotions that had been pent up for months, not allowing a smile, a laugh, a tear, stayed close to the surface for the next few years, never giving me a moment's notice of when they might spring forth. I had irriational thoughts, like wanting to walk up to total strangers and simply announce, "My baby died." Infertiltiy is brutal. Miscarriage is torture. To miscarry our only known child in the midst of a many-year battle through infertility threatened to drive me to insanity with the intensity of my grief.
While on the one hand Noel's death intensified the infertility experience to a more painful level than I could ever have imagined, on the other hand she brought a strange measure of healing as well. I found joy in knowing that after more than two years striving for motherhood, that I was now, and forever more would be, somebody's Mom! Once I could admit to myself that Noel's brief life had not been a dream, simply a "late period" as I tried desperately to convice myself, I found some measure of hope and comfort in the fact that she had actually touched my womb, even if all-too-briefly.
Naming Noel was a very helpful step for me. Rick and I, not knowing if I had carried our son or daughter, but both "feeling" she was a girl, prayed long and hard over the right choice of a name. We chose "unisex" manes with meanings that touched our hearts, spelling Noel with the male spelling but pronouncing it with the femine pronouncation. We figured if "she" actually was a son, then he would forgive us in Heaven, but giving "her" an identity that I could relate to was so very important to me. Her name means "Christmas Minister of Needs" for she came and went over the Christmas season and ministered deeply to the hearting heart of this infertile want-to-be mother. I read of how "Mary treasured all these things in her heart" and my heart treasured the knowledge of the daughter I would some day see face to face in Heaven.
I hated when well-intended friends would try to comfort me with, "Well, at least now you know you can get pregnant." From anyone else, those words seemed to invalidate my child's precious, unique life and the profound loss to have her missing from ours. But when not minimized by other's "at least" statements, to be honest with myself it also was a relief to realize that we were truly "only infertile" and not utterly sterile, that there was hope of future conception.
But it also terrified me that if it had taken two years to conceive in the first place, even with medical aid, that it might be a very long road to a second child. And now that I had a "history of miscarriage" my innocence was shattered. Getting pregnant was just the first step, but the expectation of a living, bring-home-baby at the end could no longer be taken for granted in my heart and mind.
If you have stuck with me through all this rambling, you are probably wondering what does any of this have to do with "choosing joy"? With the dawn of 2009 God impressed upon my heart that my "theme word" for this year was to be Joy. He's confirmed it over and over, and while my husband may wonder where that joy has been (because he's seen me in some pretty black places with my health this year - 10 weeks in a foot cast, followed almost immediately by 5 months of IVs - physically exhaused, grumpy and especially wrestling to process all the emotional anguish of news about this retrovirus), I have to say that God's joy has been more tangilbe to me this year than in any I can remember since we started the infertility journey 17 years ago. I may not always be "happy" but God's joy, bouied by hope, and sustained by peace that passes understanding, has been tangible in ways I cannot put into words.
Here, in this week where we mark the birth of Christ, the death of our first daughter, the birth of our first living son and the due date of the child who would have been turning 8 but is also awaiting us in Heaven with two siblings, God gave me a beautiful reminder of all He has taught me this year. The Christmas stocking I've had since childhood had too many holes for my husband to use to put some goodies in on Christmas Eve. So we pulled out a couple of "extra" stockings we had picked up one year when we were out of town for Christmas and had forgotten our regular stockings at home. One bears the script "Noel" while the other says "Joy." In past years, without hesitation, I would have instantly grabbed "Noel," thinking much more of the daughter who was not there to share in our celebration than of the Christ-child who's birth I should have been focusing on. This year, with only the slightest moment's indecision, I eagerly reached for "Joy" instead.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Birthdays
I'm reflecting on "birth" right now - the birth of the Son of God (that came at the cost of a Father's greatest grief), the birth of our first living miracle (10 years ago this morning I was just starting labor), and the births we never got to enjoy, our little ones awaiting us in Heaven.
Joel Samuel, who shared a due date (2 years later) with his big brother and would now be turning 8, has been especially on my heart these past couple of days. His name means "The Lord will repay the years the locusts have eaten," and we named our son in faith that after so much heartache (deep financial struggles, multiple failed adoptions, miscarries...) God surely had something more in store for us than years of tears and loss that had marked our first decade of marriage.
We had no idea what form that "something more" would be, perhaps emotional, spiritual or even physical tangible blessings, but we clung to the hope that His "more" would be perfect in His right timing and that He would not leave us adrift in the despairing grief that threatened to sink us. My heart is full with all I want to write on the kindness and grace God has washed over us in the eight years since Joel left my womb for Heaven, including two more living miracle babies! Yes, there have been hard times too, like my recent diagnosis of a retrovius (XMRV is one of only 3 known human retroviruses, the most well-known being HIV), but God has been so gracious through it all.
It seemed for so long we were the ones grieving, in need of tangible financial or other help. This Christmas, when so many are struggling, we live in a warm home with bountiful food, God's blessings overflowing. My eyes tear as we hand warms socks and an energy bar to the man with the cardboard sign on the corner, as my husband quietly walks forward to pay for lunch for the man who digs through his pocket and turns to walk out of the fast food joint because he doesn't have the change to cover a value meal, as we place a few small gifts of love in a friend's arms to put under the empty tree in her tiny apartment. We do it for Jesus. We do it for Joel.
Yesterday we enjoyed the blessing of a long, leasurly lunch with Rick's parents to celebrate Big. J's addition to our family 10 years ago - such a wonderful change of pace after 19 weeks of spending my Sunday afternoons hooked up to IVs! (On top of that, my hives are even starting to clear up. What a blessing!) We'll celebrate him again tomorrow (his actual birthday) with my side of the family.
My brother, sister(in-law) and nephews got in from Washington yesterday evening and spent the night with my parents. We will be seeing them in a couple of hours and spending the next 10 days together, so you might not hear from me much until the end of the year. As a "Christmas gift" I wanted to point you to a current blog give-away for Joy Dekok's wonderful book, Rain Dance. It takes on some heavy topics (infertility, post-abortion syndrome, grief - topics that scared me away from the book for far too long) but is an amazing read and will touch your heart. Enter to win your own copy at http://www.crazy-for-books.com/2009/12/blog-tour-review-giveaway-rain-dance-by.html
[Edited Dec. 26 to say, after dedicating this entire post to Joel, I realized belatedly that it was actually Hannah Rose who shared a due date with our oldest J. She is the one that would have been turning 8 about now. Joel was due in September, as we had two back-to-back miscarriages.
There, Mommy-guilt for having mistaken dates surrounding the lives and deaths of my children, now somewhat relieved by this admission. As this is a mistake I still can't believe I would ever make "in my right mind," and especially one I'm still shocked that it took me nearly a week to even realize I had made, I'm chalking this one up to CFS / XMRV "brain fog". :( ]
Joel Samuel, who shared a due date (2 years later) with his big brother and would now be turning 8, has been especially on my heart these past couple of days. His name means "The Lord will repay the years the locusts have eaten," and we named our son in faith that after so much heartache (deep financial struggles, multiple failed adoptions, miscarries...) God surely had something more in store for us than years of tears and loss that had marked our first decade of marriage.
We had no idea what form that "something more" would be, perhaps emotional, spiritual or even physical tangible blessings, but we clung to the hope that His "more" would be perfect in His right timing and that He would not leave us adrift in the despairing grief that threatened to sink us. My heart is full with all I want to write on the kindness and grace God has washed over us in the eight years since Joel left my womb for Heaven, including two more living miracle babies! Yes, there have been hard times too, like my recent diagnosis of a retrovius (XMRV is one of only 3 known human retroviruses, the most well-known being HIV), but God has been so gracious through it all.
It seemed for so long we were the ones grieving, in need of tangible financial or other help. This Christmas, when so many are struggling, we live in a warm home with bountiful food, God's blessings overflowing. My eyes tear as we hand warms socks and an energy bar to the man with the cardboard sign on the corner, as my husband quietly walks forward to pay for lunch for the man who digs through his pocket and turns to walk out of the fast food joint because he doesn't have the change to cover a value meal, as we place a few small gifts of love in a friend's arms to put under the empty tree in her tiny apartment. We do it for Jesus. We do it for Joel.
Yesterday we enjoyed the blessing of a long, leasurly lunch with Rick's parents to celebrate Big. J's addition to our family 10 years ago - such a wonderful change of pace after 19 weeks of spending my Sunday afternoons hooked up to IVs! (On top of that, my hives are even starting to clear up. What a blessing!) We'll celebrate him again tomorrow (his actual birthday) with my side of the family.
My brother, sister(in-law) and nephews got in from Washington yesterday evening and spent the night with my parents. We will be seeing them in a couple of hours and spending the next 10 days together, so you might not hear from me much until the end of the year. As a "Christmas gift" I wanted to point you to a current blog give-away for Joy Dekok's wonderful book, Rain Dance. It takes on some heavy topics (infertility, post-abortion syndrome, grief - topics that scared me away from the book for far too long) but is an amazing read and will touch your heart. Enter to win your own copy at http://www.crazy-for-books.com/2009/12/blog-tour-review-giveaway-rain-dance-by.html
[Edited Dec. 26 to say, after dedicating this entire post to Joel, I realized belatedly that it was actually Hannah Rose who shared a due date with our oldest J. She is the one that would have been turning 8 about now. Joel was due in September, as we had two back-to-back miscarriages.
There, Mommy-guilt for having mistaken dates surrounding the lives and deaths of my children, now somewhat relieved by this admission. As this is a mistake I still can't believe I would ever make "in my right mind," and especially one I'm still shocked that it took me nearly a week to even realize I had made, I'm chalking this one up to CFS / XMRV "brain fog". :( ]
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Different Christmas Hope
My friend, Holley Gerth, has done it again, posted another amazingly thought-provoking article that I just have to share with you. This one will be especially meaningful to anyone who is coping with the loss of a loved one this Christmas, including women facing miscarriage (any form of pregnancy or infant death really - check out Part Two) or infertility (be sure to follow her my storm link too, if you are walking infertility). Even if you don't fall into those catagories, you will still find it a worthwhile read!
A Different Kind of Hope
I also posted some reflections on Joy on my InnerBeautyGirl blog yesterday (including brief mention of living children along with part of our infertility story) and shared additional thoughts on Christmas and grief on my Hannah's Hope Book blog last year.
Need more encouragement? Don't forget to leave me a comment on the Lemon Fresh post below. I'm truly finding Squeezing Good Out of Bad to be offer a refreshing perspective on times of trial and would love to see you win a copy for yourself! But there's no chance to win if you don't leave a comment on that thread.
A Different Kind of Hope
I also posted some reflections on Joy on my InnerBeautyGirl blog yesterday (including brief mention of living children along with part of our infertility story) and shared additional thoughts on Christmas and grief on my Hannah's Hope Book blog last year.
Need more encouragement? Don't forget to leave me a comment on the Lemon Fresh post below. I'm truly finding Squeezing Good Out of Bad to be offer a refreshing perspective on times of trial and would love to see you win a copy for yourself! But there's no chance to win if you don't leave a comment on that thread.
Monday, November 23, 2009
The Choice
I've mentioned my sweet friend Holley Gerth more than once here. Today she posted a story I've heard from her several times in the past, but it never fails to move me and challenge me in my choices and perceptions. Please enjoy with me Bitter or Better from the (in)Courage website. :)
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Hope in the Shadows
Have you ever heard someone describe a time of trial as, “living under the shadow of [xyz]”? My shadows have included infertility, grief, depression, chronic illness and more. I'm sure you can plug in your own "xyz"s; maybe cancer, abuse, loneliness…
Job and the Psalmist talk of “the valley of the shadow of death.” Shadows impress a dark picture of gloom and heaviness in my mind.
Hope demands I give shadows another look... [To read the remainder of this article, please visit (In)Courage where you can also enter to win a copy of my book, Hannah's Hope.]
Keep scrolling here for a great list of verses that reflect God's sheltering shadows in my life.
-----------------
One way God seems to work in my life is through “theme word seasons,” specific life lessons He wants to drive home with me and situations that bring those themes to light over and over until I finally begin to grasp a small portion of what He longs to teach me. Wait resounded in our hearts through the loss of our business and the struggle for my husband to find a new career that truly fit, all in the midst of infertility's endless cycles of hoping and hurting, wanting and worrying, coping and crying.
Waiting has given way to new horizons, a series of theme seasons too numerous to list here, but with one of the most recent being Hope. And then to Hope, God’s spent this year adding the active pursuit of Joy to my life as well. Here are some of my favorite resources from these three themes:
Wait:
- Hannah’s Prayer Ministries offers support through fertility challenges, including infertility or the death of a baby at any time from conception through early infancy.
- A Graceful Waiting by Jan Frank
- The Wait Poem by Russell Kelfer (Truly beautiful book, with a written message even more powerful than the photos! This poem was life-changing for me and has been impactful in many lives.)
Hope:
- Out of the Valley Ministries, Inc. Postpartum Depression Support
- Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg
- Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by me, Jennifer Saake :)
Joy:
- Rest Ministries provides support in the face of chronic pain and illness, including National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week each Sept.
- Rain on Me: Devotions of Hope and Encouragement for Difficult Times by Holley Gerth
- The book of Philippians, written by the apostle Paul.
- And a late entry to my list, a blog post I just read this week about trusting God with others' hurts, Gratitude not Guilt
-----------------------------
Verses that reflect God's sheltering shadows in my life:
“I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” Isaiah 45:3. (NIV)
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)
"But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me" Micah 7:7. (NIV)
"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God..." Psalm 40:1-2, (NIV)
Job and the Psalmist talk of “the valley of the shadow of death.” Shadows impress a dark picture of gloom and heaviness in my mind.
Hope demands I give shadows another look... [To read the remainder of this article, please visit (In)Courage where you can also enter to win a copy of my book, Hannah's Hope.]
Keep scrolling here for a great list of verses that reflect God's sheltering shadows in my life.
-----------------
One way God seems to work in my life is through “theme word seasons,” specific life lessons He wants to drive home with me and situations that bring those themes to light over and over until I finally begin to grasp a small portion of what He longs to teach me. Wait resounded in our hearts through the loss of our business and the struggle for my husband to find a new career that truly fit, all in the midst of infertility's endless cycles of hoping and hurting, wanting and worrying, coping and crying.
Waiting has given way to new horizons, a series of theme seasons too numerous to list here, but with one of the most recent being Hope. And then to Hope, God’s spent this year adding the active pursuit of Joy to my life as well. Here are some of my favorite resources from these three themes:
Wait:
- Hannah’s Prayer Ministries offers support through fertility challenges, including infertility or the death of a baby at any time from conception through early infancy.
- A Graceful Waiting by Jan Frank
- The Wait Poem by Russell Kelfer (Truly beautiful book, with a written message even more powerful than the photos! This poem was life-changing for me and has been impactful in many lives.)
Hope:
- Out of the Valley Ministries, Inc. Postpartum Depression Support
- Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg
- Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss by me, Jennifer Saake :)
Joy:
- Rest Ministries provides support in the face of chronic pain and illness, including National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week each Sept.
- Rain on Me: Devotions of Hope and Encouragement for Difficult Times by Holley Gerth
- The book of Philippians, written by the apostle Paul.
- And a late entry to my list, a blog post I just read this week about trusting God with others' hurts, Gratitude not Guilt
"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies” Philippians 4:8-9. (MSG)
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Verses that reflect God's sheltering shadows in my life:
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” James 1:17. (NIV)
“I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” Isaiah 45:3. (NIV)
“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned” Isaiah 9:2. (NIV)
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)
"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" Isaiah 40:31. (NIV)
"But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me" Micah 7:7. (NIV)
"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield" Psalm 33:20. (NIV)
"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God..." Psalm 40:1-2, (NIV)
“I am the man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath.
He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light…
“He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship.
He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead…
“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness…
“For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love…
“You came near when I called you, and you said, ‘Do not fear.’
O Lord, you took up my case; you redeemed my life…”
- from Lamentations 3 (NIV)
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Radio Link & Coping with Crisis of Top of Chronic, part 2
I just got off the phone from a wonderful radio chat with Lisa Copen, as one of 20 seakers for the free National Chronic Invisible Illness Awareness Week virtual conference. This was my second year to experience the blessing of sharing for NCIIAW - feel free to listen to last year's program on infertility, medications, chronic illness and the desire for motherhood at http://harvestinghope.blogspot.com/2008/09/blog-talk-radio.html
This year we were talking about Coping With Crisis on Top of Chronic. I had the chance to share the first half of my notes for today's talk back in August and wanted to post a few more points here today. If you haven't had a chance to listen yet, please take an hour to join Lisa and I at today's archived show:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/invisibleillnessconf/2009/09/15/Coping-with-Crises-on-Top-of-Chronic--Chat-with-2-Gals-Who-Understand
(Note to listeners who are currently facing infertility, Lisa and I are both after-infertility moms, her through adotpion, I through childbirth, and there are some references to motherhood, including the final caller who asked about deciding to have a second child while facing chronic illness.)
As HarvestingHope.blogspot.com was the only website address that was given out during today's radio interview, I also wanted to direct you to my sidebar where you will find links to several of my other websites and/or blogs. A few to highlight are:
Hannah's Hope is my book website where you can read a free chapter of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss and learn about other infertility and loss support resources.
InfertilityMom.blogspot.com is pretty much my "everything" page and certainly my most personal blog. It's a slice of just about everything in my life from reflections on infertiltiy and loss, to the joy of motherhood after infertility. I talk about homeschooling, and writing, and work from home businesses. Here I share more details about my personal health journey in ongoing journal format, in contrast to the more devotional and slightly one-step-back from my ongoing personal struggles that tend to be more reflected here at Harvesting Hope™. And I love to toss in some "just for fun" stuff there, like the latest contest I'm entering or occassional give-aways from me. If you want the whole package and get to know the real me with the ins and outs of my daily heartbeat, InfertiltiyMom.blogspot.com is the blog you will want to follow.
Inner Beauty Girlz is the blog I referenced on today's radio show when talking about finding a passion. It started as a little place to explore my own curiosity about natural and affordable beauty alternatives and also to journal and reflect on God's call to make myself beautiful in spirit and how I can take things I learn about caring for my body and apply them to my thought life and attitudes.
I am a consultant with both Affordable Mineral Makeup™ and Gurrlie Girl™ Christian Jewelry so I also use this blog to post product information, discounts, specials and give-aways along with my beauty hits, tips, tricks and devotional reflections.
As a quick review, my first three tips for Coping with Crisis or Chronic (click here for detailed explanations of each) were:
1. Quiet Time
- non-optional daily priority, both to refresh body and spirit
2. Laughter is the Best Medicine
- seek joy even in dark seasons, not "Polyanna theology," but "Apostle Paul theology" as found in Philippians 4
3. Support Resources
- it is critical to find, or make for yourself, a support network
Added to these, my other three tools in my survival tool belt are:
4. Find a Passion
- When chronic illness hits, it's like a rug is pulled out from under my feet. Everything I have known and simply accepted is turned upside down. Things I took for granted in the past can no longer be presumed. Skills, abilities, perhaps even joys and interests, are suddenly lost. For example, I used to do counted cross stich constantly, but when CFS hit, I no longer had the strength in my arms to hold and stich, the mental focus to count and properly follow a pattern, nor the ability to focus my eyes on those little squares without triggering a migraine. This may seem like a small loss, but it was something that had meant a lot to me and brought me much pleasure for many years, then suddenly it brought only pain and frustration. Not only did I loose something I had loved, but because of my illness and the need to lay in bed for hours on end, I had much more "time on my hands" than I knew what to do with and what I normally would have turned to as a hobby wasn't even an option.
Part of the grieving process of chronic illness is learning to let go of what I can no longer do. But on the flipside, sometimes I am forced to explore new options I might not otherwise have ever considered, and this can be a blessing. I turned to writing, initially sending long letters to my fiance who lived far away, then I began journaling in earnest, and eventually I began writing articles for publication. Had I not lost my favorite hobby, I might never have ventured onto the internet and found a world of support resources, nor written a book, nor become a blogger.
My health struggles themselves led me to search out healthier alternatives for personal care products such as makeup (since I began having allergic reactions to all the chemically based brands I tried, even "hypo-allergenic" lines) and that led me into a whole new nitch of writing on beauty, along with leading me to become a consultant with companies I found to fit my needs. So while I'm too sick to work outside the home, the hobbies that my health unfolded before me have become a small source of "egg money" income that allow me to occassionally help out with a few little extras for our family budget and I find fulfillment in pursuing my new passions in the process.
5. Be Gentle with Myself
- Others may not be, so I need to be! There will always be those who don't understand, but I am the one who lives moment-by-moment with the ebb and flow of my body's demands. I can get caught up in all the "shoulds" that other people put on me, or I can be honest with myself about my needs and abilities and give myself some room to simply "be".
In my case, my doctor has made it very clear that if I push myself as hard as I can just because I have something left to give, that my body will never fully heal. I have always had a very driven personality and want to go and do and give. But if I cannot give myself permission to make my own needs a priority, I'm headed for permant disability and continued decline that will not be able to be reversed.
Putting this concept into practice can be more painful than I wish it were. For instance, I have a heart for anyone who may be lonely or hurting. When a new woman joined church recently, she commented that she had not been able to really establish friendships at her last church, so it became personal to me to see that she felt welcome and found a sense of community quickly. She readily accepted my invitation to come over with her kids for the afternoon, though I had to postpone it several weeks due to ongoing health issues. She then exchanged the invitation and generously watched my kids for several hours while I went to the hospital to be with my parents for my mom's surgery. Since then I've not only been involved with my mom's recovery, starting a new homeschooling year with my kids, but have had a lot of medical procedures, appointments and endless medical phone calls to keep up with, including a trip out of state to see the only specalist my insurance would cover.
I simply find myself too exhausted to reach out right now. She's left the ball in my court with "call me if you want to connect," and my heart aches that she may feel like I don't want to befriend her, when the truth is that I would like nothing more, but simply have nothing to give right now. I have vaguely explained my health to her and will do my best to explain my heart and my physcial reality in more detail soon (hard topics to plunge deeply into with a brand new friend), but in the end I will simply have to accept my limitations and realize that we will have to "do friendship" on the terms by body sets forth for us, and I'll have to be OK with that reguardless of how understanding she may or may not turn out to be.
6. Let Go and Let God
- All of the above tools ultimately point to one simple fact. I can't do it all! I must let go of unrealistic expectations of myself (and of others - it's easy to become disillusioned when others I depend on or place my hopes in fall short of my expectiations) and look fully to God as not only the source of my strength, but the one who gives wisdom and directs my steps moment by moment.
He never has unrealist expecations of me. He is always gentle with me and knows, truly understands, what I face moment by moment.
My job is simply to do what He calls me to for this moment and leave the rest to Him. Some days that may simply be getting through the day without giving into utter despair that I can't raise my arms with enough strength to brush my hair. Some days that may be trusting him that if my new friend needs friendship that I'm not equiped to give, that maybe I'm instread called to pray that God will meet that need for her through someone else.
When recently undergoing some very frightening treatments that had me reflecting on my own mortality, I realized that I was not really handing the reighns of my life to God. I had written love letters to every family member and placed them in my journal where I thought they would be found if I should die. I was peaceful about the prospect of death for my own sake, but I was a ball of nerves for the sake of my husband and children, grieving for them about what they might endure should I die. And then it occured to me of how arrogant I was being, to say I could trust God with my eternal future, but then actively distrust Him to have a perfect plan for my husband and children!
Just simply realizing that a God big enough to hold my eternity in His hands would have a great plan for my family too was a significant "letting go" moment that marked a wonderful return to a peaceful heart for me. As it turned out, I was His ongoing plan for my family and I had let myself get all worked up for something that never was really even an issue, but I pray that I will hold onto that life lesson next time I'm tempted to try to micro-manage God's plan rather than just resting in Him that He will take care of every need, big or small.
I would encourage you to take advantage of any or all of the 20 Invisible Illness Week seminars available to you this week, and archived for ongoing listening, at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/invisibleillnessconf. Please log back in here at www.HarvestingHope.blogspot.com again on Saturday as well, for a special post on Hope in the Shadows as part of the (In)Courage blog tour.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
You Are God's Masterpiece, So am I
I've run across this video from two different sources within just a few hours. Makes me think God might want me to share it here with you too. :) Takes about 9 minutes to watch, but well worth the time!
My favorite line, "But God I've let you down so many times."
God's reply, "No! I was holding you up!"
My favorite line, "But God I've let you down so many times."
God's reply, "No! I was holding you up!"
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Lisa Copen, part 2
Yesterday I had the joy of introducing you to my friend Lisa and her work as the founder of National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week (NICIAW). If you haven't yet had a chance to read part one of our conversation, please take a moment to revisit yesterday's post before picking up with us here. :)
Lisa, what was it that made you see Invisible Illness Week as necessary? Why did you start this?
This sounds familiar. I've heard many people say this.
So you decided to start Invisible Illness Week and address some of these issues?
What illness is it that you have, Lisa?
Beyond the grace of God, what personally fuels your "grace tank", the driving force that enables you to keep giving of yourself even when exhausted beyond description and living in pain?
I heard that you type with just a few fingers.
Even with your limited typing abilities, you have written several books including one that gives 505 ideas on how people can reach out to someone who is ill, right?
That's a great idea. I would think that it would be a lot easier to accept help from someone if it came in the form of a gift certificate.
Well, Lisa, thank you again for joining us here today. And also for starting National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. I understand that in addition to your health challenges you are also a wife and mom. I know it can't be easy to try to do all that you do.
Please join Lisa and I for the conclusion of this conversation tomorrow, where you will learn specific information about how to participate in the encouragement of NICIAW and the 20-session free virtual conference!
Lisa, what was it that made you see Invisible Illness Week as necessary? Why did you start this?
LC: Well, a few reasons. I began Rest Ministries in 1997. It's a Christian organization that serves those who live with chronic illness and the sponsor of Invisible Illness Week. I kept seeing many people who felt very alone, misunderstood, and frustrated, feeling that their illness, pain, and suffering were completely invalidated. Some people have a spouse who even doubts the existence of an illness.
I also saw lots of family members, caregivers, doctors, churches, etc. who wanted to reach out to people with illness, but they said all the wrong things. Eventually they distanced themselves from their loved ones because they just didn't understand illness or how to respond to it.
The fact that illness and pain is invisible to see can make it hard for healthy people to understand. And those with illness can easily become bitter when their loved ones believe it is being exaggerated. It makes for a sad situation all the way around and I thought communication could be a helpful first step.
This sounds familiar. I've heard many people say this.
LC: It does, doesn't it? Even those of us who cope rather well with our illness on a day-to-day basis can still have moments of frustration. We may park legally in a disabled parking spot and we get the look from someone walking by. A friend may ask, "So are you all better now?" People don't always comprehend the difference between being sick and being chronically ill.
So you decided to start Invisible Illness Week and address some of these issues?
LC: Yes, I saw such amazing people who survive against all odds and still had hope and faith. I wanted to give them an opportunity to encourage others who were going through depression or hopelessness.
It doesn't really matter what our illness is, where we may live, our age, or how long ago we receIved a diagnosis, etc. The truth is, most of our illnesses are invisible and the fact that a healthy person is unable to see the symptoms we experience or the physical pain provides us with a lot more in common with one another in the similarities of our illness ever could. Once we get start talking about the emotions behind our illness we find out we are not nearly as different as we may have originally assumed.
What illness is it that you have, Lisa?
LC: Rheumatoid arthritis is my main chronic illness that I cope with on a daily basis. I received my diagnosis in 1993 when I was 24 years old. At a few years after that I started having symptoms of fibromyalgia and later receIved a diagnosis. Unfortunately, I have not ever experienced remission which is what all the doctors hoped for. So the last eight years has been a challenge as disease has progressed. I realize in many ways I am blessed and could be worse off than I am now and yet in the last couple of years my illness is becoming more and more visible rather than invisible.
I don't just cope with daily pain now, but I struggle to do everyday tasks such as unloading the dishwasher or driving because my hands and feet are becoming more significantly deformed. I am on all of the medications that you can imagine to try to slow the progression of the disease down but the last year has brought me into a new season and I have many surgeries that will need to be scheduled in the near future to keep any mobility I have.
Beyond the grace of God, what personally fuels your "grace tank", the driving force that enables you to keep giving of yourself even when exhausted beyond description and living in pain?
My husband is a gem and I couldn’t do any ministry without his support. And not just emotional support, but doing the dishes, the laundry, meals sometimes, taking care of our son, and more. My son is 6 and he makes me laugh. When you are trying to explain the Lord to a 6-year-old you learn a lot of lessons yourself all over again. I also go to bed early and read a lot. I will read my Bible on my Kindle and then I love to end the evening reading some good fiction. It takes me away for awhile. A lot of times I may end up back out of bed by 12:30 a.m., but I try to at least get to bed by 9 or 10 and have some quiet time.
I heard that you type with just a few fingers.
LC: Yes. I use about 3 fingers and my 2 thumbs. I have a voice program but I usually want to talk too fast and it can't keep up.
Even with your limited typing abilities, you have written several books including one that gives 505 ideas on how people can reach out to someone who is ill, right?
LC: Yes! It's called Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend; It's actually a very helpful book because even though I wrote it, I still refer to it frequently for fresh ideas on how to encourage someone who is hurting. Too often I get stuck in the rut of not being able to think of anything other than another meal. Food is a nice gesture, but there are so many more creatIve and memorable ways to show someone you care. We also have cute little JOY gift certificate cards that you can give a friend when you are offering to do something for them. JOY stand for "Just Offering You" and one can fill out what they are able to offer (errands, laundry, taking your child for a play date, etc.) and when the best time is for them to volunteer to help.
That's a great idea. I would think that it would be a lot easier to accept help from someone if it came in the form of a gift certificate.
LC: I think so. The cards are great for a support group, a womens ministry, or really anyone who wants a light-hearted way of saying, "I'd love to help. Here is what I am able to do."
Well, Lisa, thank you again for joining us here today. And also for starting National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. I understand that in addition to your health challenges you are also a wife and mom. I know it can't be easy to try to do all that you do.
LC: Honestly, it's not, but it has always kept me going too and I couldn't do it without my husband's support. Thank you for hosting me at your blog this week. I hope all of your readers will visit us at National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and let your friends know about our free 5-day virtual conference! We're going to have a great time!
Please join Lisa and I for the conclusion of this conversation tomorrow, where you will learn specific information about how to participate in the encouragement of NICIAW and the 20-session free virtual conference!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
September Highlights
I'm very excited about the posts coming to Hope Harvesters™ over the next month! Soon I'll be sharing an article on Coping with Crisis on top of Chronic, offering ideas on dealing with the highs and lows of life while living with illness. This will be a little preview of the radio conversation I'll be having as a guest of Lisa Copen on Sept. 15 as part of the 20-speaker Virtual Conference for National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. You will also get to know a little more about Lisa and NICIAW here when I interview Lisa next Tuesday and can get a feel for what this conference will be all about by reading this short poem, You Don't Look Sick.
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Edited to add Sept. 15 radio interview link :)
In addition to our focus on surviving and thriving through illness, I am thrilled to be able to be a part of a special new movement called (In)Courage. (In)Courage is described as being "a bit like a beach house where you can put your sandy, dirty feet on the coffee table, help yourself to whatever's in the fridge, laugh late into the night with friends, and hear God's voice more clearly than perhaps anywhere else." It's a group of women coming together to share our messy, broken, imperfect lives as we strive together to offer all we are to the glory of God.
(In)Courage launched earlier this month and had about 20,000 visitors in their very first week of posts on the topic of "courage". Next month's theme of "hope" is near and dear to my heart and I look forward not only to sharing my own reflections about Hope in the Shadows on Sept. 19, but am eager to soak in all the wisdom from other real and godly women who will be guest blogging on the topic all month long.
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Edited to add Sept. 15 radio interview link :)
In addition to our focus on surviving and thriving through illness, I am thrilled to be able to be a part of a special new movement called (In)Courage. (In)Courage is described as being "a bit like a beach house where you can put your sandy, dirty feet on the coffee table, help yourself to whatever's in the fridge, laugh late into the night with friends, and hear God's voice more clearly than perhaps anywhere else." It's a group of women coming together to share our messy, broken, imperfect lives as we strive together to offer all we are to the glory of God.
(In)Courage launched earlier this month and had about 20,000 visitors in their very first week of posts on the topic of "courage". Next month's theme of "hope" is near and dear to my heart and I look forward not only to sharing my own reflections about Hope in the Shadows on Sept. 19, but am eager to soak in all the wisdom from other real and godly women who will be guest blogging on the topic all month long.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Given a Thorn
If the following post is just a little too "up" and hard for you to digest right now, check out Just In Case You Wonder... to see that I'm for real and understand about those down days too! {{{hugs}}}
I love gardening, but I usually find myself starting to loose the battle against weeds by early May, and by July my garden is overrun simply because I don't have the energy or stamina to get out there and fight them, especially as temperatures climb and I wilt, just like my unwatered flowers, in the heat. I don't know that this year will be any different, but I can dream of a beautiful rose garden, can't I?
So with high hopes of a different outcome this year, I set out to do my gardening thing this morning while those weeds are still young and tender and the air is cool. Things went along well for the first few minutes, until suddenly I felt this irritating sensation in my hand every time I moved it or tried to grasp something.
The pain wasn't debilitating, just "there" enough to keep me from being able to pull weeds properly or make much headway in my battle. At first I tried to ignore it and keep pushing through, but the more I tried to go on with my work in spite of the pain, the more "stabbing" the sensation grew. What was wrong? Nothing obvious, so I tried different ways of grasping those weeds without using my thumb and discovered that an opposable digit really is necessary for weeding!
On very close inspection I discovered the tiniest of thorns, just barely visible, poking out of the pad of my thumb. It looked so small that it seemed I should be able to simply brush or even blow it away without consequence. But the more I tried to get rid of it, the deeper I drove it into my own flesh and the more irritated my hand became.
I went for the tweezers but just couldn't get a good grasp on it. By very nature of it's minuet size, that thorn became more problematic to remove than a big splinter would have been. That speck on my thumb ultimately put a halt to my gardening for the rest of the day.
After favoring this hand all day long I've finally realized that I will probably have to wait for it to fester before I can work that irritating little thorn out of there. How could something so seemingly insignificant cause me to have to change my plans not only in gardening but in several other normal, daily tasks today too? The whole experience has left me reflecting on what it is like to live with the progression of little, daily, ongoing losses in chronic illness.
Yes, of course a thorn so tiny that it can't be grasp with tweezers may seem trite in relation to significant health issues! But might not some of the same general principles apply?
Before I first got sick, I set out with a goal, my college degree ahead of me. That first week when everyone else on campus was sick too, I didn't give my illness much more thought than I did that first irritating little thorn poke this morning. But as my fellow-students began returning to class and my fevers and nausea and memory lapses and debilitating fatigue dragged on for weeks on end, I began to see this was not something I could just keep pushing through and went home to sleep through three weeks of Christmas vacation.
Unlike my gardening today, I actually tried to return to the task at hand as I attempted a second semester at school. Within 36 hours back in the dorm I was as sick as I had ever been prior to those weeks of mom's home-cooked meals and pampering. This began my "grasping at straws" (or should I say, "grasping at thorns"?) stage of the journey, months of desperately seeking medical answers and trying every "sure cure" that was offered to me. Just like trying to remove the thorn caused greater irritation to my thumb, many of the things I tried in hopes of regaining my health actually exacerbated the situation and caused further decline.
A diagnosis finally came in the midst of that grasping stage. Just as finding that tiny thorn in my thumb answered some questions about why I was experiencing the pain I felt, I was relieved to have a name for my illness as well. But that relief was short-lived as I moved from grasping to festering with boiling anger as the realities of such a diagnosis sank in. I was not only fighting my illness but the heart-infection of bitterness as I raged against a broken body, broken dreams, and the loss of my any illusions I had of being in control.
I had to fester for a long time before I could reach the acceptance stage. Here I realized I was going to need to alter my life significantly around my "thorn" and learn to live with it for as long as it took to work it’s way out (in this case, maybe the rest of my lifetime). I had to develop a new definition of "normal" daily life, accepting that this form of "normal" could vary dramatically from day to day or sometimes even from moment to moment. Just as in gardening the simple task of grasping a weed was unexpected hindered by pain shooting through my thumb, my new normal with chronic illness sometimes includes feeling "fine" as I step out the door to get the mail, only to find myself unprepared for the exhausting effort of trying to walk back up the driveway.
When my husband came home from work tonight he immediately noticed three long scratches across the back of my hand, the result of carelessly brushing up against a rose bush this morning. But he didn't notice that little thorn in my thumb until I took the time and seemingly silly effort to point it out to him. Strangely enough, though they look ugly, those scratches don't hurt much, hardly even bother me at all. It's that unseen thorn that causes me to alter the very way I usually do things. Just as in illness, often the obvious struggles are easier to cope with than the unseen conditions that cause others to wonder why I claim to be sick or can be unreliable to fulfilling my commitments when I look so healthy.
In the book of 2 Corinthians, chapter 12, the apostle Paul writes:
I don’t know all the reasons why God has allowed my “thorn in the flesh”. Is it to keep me from becoming conceited? Possibly so, for I know illness has certainly humbled me and helped me to realize that God is God and I am not!
Is it a “messenger of Satan” intended to torment me? Only God knows for sure why He allows any kinds of trials in my life, but I am comforted by the book of Job to see that if satan has been allowed to bring any pain into my life, that his influence must be filtered and tempered through Heaven first. He can only touch me as far as God allows and his powers are limited by God's strict parameters. Like Job, I can only see a terribly small sliver of what is actually happening in our world as influenced by the spiritual realms, but I do know that God is the one ultimately in control!
So as for the source of my "thorn" I can say with confidence that I know that God has the power to prevent these trials, but in His great wisdom He has chosen to allow them in my life (be it directly through satan or simply as a natural by-product of this broken, fallen world) for some perfect reason. Because I cannot see the big picture from His perspective, instead I must cling to His promise that His grace is enough and accept that His power can shine most fully through me when I yield my heart to His plans. Therefore, I will boast gladly in my weakness and thank Him for the power that He gives me for every step He enables me to take, every breath He blesses me to draw.
James chapter 1 says,
I don’t know that I can honestly say I “delight” in my weaknesses quite yet, though I am beginning to see that if it was "given" to me, then I can choose to accept it as a "gift" and look for joy even in the midst of struggle and pain. A bit later in that James passage we read,
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The theme of the May Christians with Chronic Illness Blog Carnival is "Coping with Loss". What is something you miss since you have had your chronic illness/pain? How have you been able to adjust and accept the fact you can no longer do “it”? What new hobbies or activities have you found you enjoy that somewhat replace what you lost? What has your family missed concerning your illness and how have you found a way to change the way you do things so you can still participate in family activities? Read additional articles from theis Carnival at http://chronicillnesssupport.wordpress.com/2009/05/15/christians-with-chronic-illness-blog-carnival-2
Submit your ideas for the June carnival at ChristiansWithIllnessBlogCarnival.com by June 5 to have your post considered for next month's carnival selections. Next month's topic is anything related to children while living with chronic illness, such as keeping them busy over the summer, the grief of not being able to have kids (or maybe choosing not to due to illness), the stress of keeping up with kids, etc.
I love gardening, but I usually find myself starting to loose the battle against weeds by early May, and by July my garden is overrun simply because I don't have the energy or stamina to get out there and fight them, especially as temperatures climb and I wilt, just like my unwatered flowers, in the heat. I don't know that this year will be any different, but I can dream of a beautiful rose garden, can't I?
So with high hopes of a different outcome this year, I set out to do my gardening thing this morning while those weeds are still young and tender and the air is cool. Things went along well for the first few minutes, until suddenly I felt this irritating sensation in my hand every time I moved it or tried to grasp something.
The pain wasn't debilitating, just "there" enough to keep me from being able to pull weeds properly or make much headway in my battle. At first I tried to ignore it and keep pushing through, but the more I tried to go on with my work in spite of the pain, the more "stabbing" the sensation grew. What was wrong? Nothing obvious, so I tried different ways of grasping those weeds without using my thumb and discovered that an opposable digit really is necessary for weeding!
On very close inspection I discovered the tiniest of thorns, just barely visible, poking out of the pad of my thumb. It looked so small that it seemed I should be able to simply brush or even blow it away without consequence. But the more I tried to get rid of it, the deeper I drove it into my own flesh and the more irritated my hand became.
I went for the tweezers but just couldn't get a good grasp on it. By very nature of it's minuet size, that thorn became more problematic to remove than a big splinter would have been. That speck on my thumb ultimately put a halt to my gardening for the rest of the day.
After favoring this hand all day long I've finally realized that I will probably have to wait for it to fester before I can work that irritating little thorn out of there. How could something so seemingly insignificant cause me to have to change my plans not only in gardening but in several other normal, daily tasks today too? The whole experience has left me reflecting on what it is like to live with the progression of little, daily, ongoing losses in chronic illness.
Yes, of course a thorn so tiny that it can't be grasp with tweezers may seem trite in relation to significant health issues! But might not some of the same general principles apply?
Before I first got sick, I set out with a goal, my college degree ahead of me. That first week when everyone else on campus was sick too, I didn't give my illness much more thought than I did that first irritating little thorn poke this morning. But as my fellow-students began returning to class and my fevers and nausea and memory lapses and debilitating fatigue dragged on for weeks on end, I began to see this was not something I could just keep pushing through and went home to sleep through three weeks of Christmas vacation.
Unlike my gardening today, I actually tried to return to the task at hand as I attempted a second semester at school. Within 36 hours back in the dorm I was as sick as I had ever been prior to those weeks of mom's home-cooked meals and pampering. This began my "grasping at straws" (or should I say, "grasping at thorns"?) stage of the journey, months of desperately seeking medical answers and trying every "sure cure" that was offered to me. Just like trying to remove the thorn caused greater irritation to my thumb, many of the things I tried in hopes of regaining my health actually exacerbated the situation and caused further decline.
A diagnosis finally came in the midst of that grasping stage. Just as finding that tiny thorn in my thumb answered some questions about why I was experiencing the pain I felt, I was relieved to have a name for my illness as well. But that relief was short-lived as I moved from grasping to festering with boiling anger as the realities of such a diagnosis sank in. I was not only fighting my illness but the heart-infection of bitterness as I raged against a broken body, broken dreams, and the loss of my any illusions I had of being in control.
I had to fester for a long time before I could reach the acceptance stage. Here I realized I was going to need to alter my life significantly around my "thorn" and learn to live with it for as long as it took to work it’s way out (in this case, maybe the rest of my lifetime). I had to develop a new definition of "normal" daily life, accepting that this form of "normal" could vary dramatically from day to day or sometimes even from moment to moment. Just as in gardening the simple task of grasping a weed was unexpected hindered by pain shooting through my thumb, my new normal with chronic illness sometimes includes feeling "fine" as I step out the door to get the mail, only to find myself unprepared for the exhausting effort of trying to walk back up the driveway.
When my husband came home from work tonight he immediately noticed three long scratches across the back of my hand, the result of carelessly brushing up against a rose bush this morning. But he didn't notice that little thorn in my thumb until I took the time and seemingly silly effort to point it out to him. Strangely enough, though they look ugly, those scratches don't hurt much, hardly even bother me at all. It's that unseen thorn that causes me to alter the very way I usually do things. Just as in illness, often the obvious struggles are easier to cope with than the unseen conditions that cause others to wonder why I claim to be sick or can be unreliable to fulfilling my commitments when I look so healthy.
In the book of 2 Corinthians, chapter 12, the apostle Paul writes:
7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.- NIV
I don’t know all the reasons why God has allowed my “thorn in the flesh”. Is it to keep me from becoming conceited? Possibly so, for I know illness has certainly humbled me and helped me to realize that God is God and I am not!
Is it a “messenger of Satan” intended to torment me? Only God knows for sure why He allows any kinds of trials in my life, but I am comforted by the book of Job to see that if satan has been allowed to bring any pain into my life, that his influence must be filtered and tempered through Heaven first. He can only touch me as far as God allows and his powers are limited by God's strict parameters. Like Job, I can only see a terribly small sliver of what is actually happening in our world as influenced by the spiritual realms, but I do know that God is the one ultimately in control!
So as for the source of my "thorn" I can say with confidence that I know that God has the power to prevent these trials, but in His great wisdom He has chosen to allow them in my life (be it directly through satan or simply as a natural by-product of this broken, fallen world) for some perfect reason. Because I cannot see the big picture from His perspective, instead I must cling to His promise that His grace is enough and accept that His power can shine most fully through me when I yield my heart to His plans. Therefore, I will boast gladly in my weakness and thank Him for the power that He gives me for every step He enables me to take, every breath He blesses me to draw.
James chapter 1 says,
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I don’t know that I can honestly say I “delight” in my weaknesses quite yet, though I am beginning to see that if it was "given" to me, then I can choose to accept it as a "gift" and look for joy even in the midst of struggle and pain. A bit later in that James passage we read,
17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.Even though my physical condition is ever changing, I can cling to my unchanging God! I pray that He will refine and mature me through this process so that others will see Christ’s strength in and through me even if they fail to understand about my thorns.
-----------------
The theme of the May Christians with Chronic Illness Blog Carnival is "Coping with Loss". What is something you miss since you have had your chronic illness/pain? How have you been able to adjust and accept the fact you can no longer do “it”? What new hobbies or activities have you found you enjoy that somewhat replace what you lost? What has your family missed concerning your illness and how have you found a way to change the way you do things so you can still participate in family activities? Read additional articles from theis Carnival at http://chronicillnesssupport.wordpress.com/2009/05/15/christians-with-chronic-illness-blog-carnival-2
Submit your ideas for the June carnival at ChristiansWithIllnessBlogCarnival.com by June 5 to have your post considered for next month's carnival selections. Next month's topic is anything related to children while living with chronic illness, such as keeping them busy over the summer, the grief of not being able to have kids (or maybe choosing not to due to illness), the stress of keeping up with kids, etc.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Cardboard Cricket Surprise!
There are good surprises in life and there are surprises of the not so great kind. Last month I experienced both kinds within 36-hours.
The first surprise might best be described as a “blindside.” I ran across a friend I hadn’t seen in a few weeks and apologized for missing a recent party in her honor. When I made mention of the fact that I had really wanted to be there but was flat in bed at that point, unable to even care for my own children for nearly 2 weeks, she launched into a lecture about how my illness was not of God, that it wasn’t His will for my life and that we needed to stand in faith that I will be fully healed of all remnants of health struggles.
Those words alone weren’t so blindsiding. I’ve had similar conversations with others before, and can truly appreciate the sincerity with which they are spoken and the compassion or conviction from which they stem. What made this conversation different was that it really wasn’t a “conversation” at all, but rather a five-minute monolog, giving me very little chance to respond or interject any other opinions or alternative points of view. While I have had multiple opportunities to hash through my beliefs on faith and healing over the past two decades, I was given no voice and was left feeling judged and rejected (though I do not believe that was her intent). By the time I found reason to politely excuse myself, I had resorted to simply nodding my head in dumfounded disillusionment, knowing that every time I opened my mouth I would be cut off or undermined anyway.
While I’ve lived at peace with God’s plan for my life for many years, this encounter shook me! I couldn’t get to sleep that night without talking it through with my husband and once again offering it all up the Lord in prayer. I had to start back at square one with questions like, “If I’ve asked God to heal me and He hasn’t, is my faith lacking? Is this proof that I’m ‘double minded’ because maybe I haven’t ‘prayed believing’ enough?”
I wrestled with the Lord for the next day and night as well. “Father, show me if I should be taking more aggressive steps in trusting You or claiming and applying specific passages on healing to my life. I believe you can heal me, but I also believe You have shown me this isn’t Your plan right now. If this isn’t Your plan, I have to believe that this illness is ‘of You,’ or at the very least ‘allowed by You’ as part of Your best plan for my life. But if I’ve got it wrong and You want a change in my attitude, please show me how faith fits into this whole picture? I don’t want to reject any good and perfect gift You have for me, be it illness or healing, but I’m so confused and hurt right now.”
My second surprise came as I was snuggling my sweet 6-year-old early the next morning. The book we were reading is supposed to have sound effects of a cricket chirping merrily on the final page, but it has never worked in the 3+ years we have had it, though we bought it new, have changed the batteries and done everything in our power to make the book work as it was designed. I’m not sure why we never returned it to the store, but we have become content to read the printed words and not expect any sound effects or to have fun making up our own effects as we go.
Even as I read stories to her, the battle ranged on in my heart and the back of my mind. And then God spoke, in His still, small, calming voice, through the words of my daughter and her simple act of pure, childlike faith. “Mommy, I want to pray that God will make my book work.” While I remained calm in my reply to her, my heart thudded within me. “Lord, I’m struggling with understanding Your heart in miracles right now. Please give me wisdom in answering my tender little girl and please make Yourself real to her even in this simple request.”
“Well honey, we can certainly ask Jesus to fix your book. And we know He is God and He can do it if He chooses, right? We know He performs miracles when He has a purpose in them, like when He brought the plagues on Egypt to bring the Israelites out of slavery. But we also have to remember that God is allowed to say no and we can’t get mad at Him if He doesn’t answer our prayers the way we want Him to. Sometimes God saves His miracles for really special, big things so that we know that it was only Him that could do them.”
“That’s fine Mommy. I understand. But I still want to pray!” And so we bowed our heads and she presented a heartfelt prayer about knowing God’s in control and asking God to help Mommy find just the right kind of batteries at WalMart so her cricket could chirp. She never even asked God to actually fix the book but simply thanked Him for it and closed with a peaceful “Amen.” Then she opened her book and it immediately started chirping, loudly!
“See Mommy, God fixed it!” Oh to have the faith of a child! Yes, God did save His miracle for a “special, big thing” – maybe to my daughter only a small stepping-stone to look back on as He builds the foundation of her faith. But to my hurting heart, a mighty and significant and healing balm! Yes, He still hears prayer. Yes, He’s still in the business of healing broken things (even cardboard cricket books). And yes, simple, childlike faith is all that’s required to receive His good gifts.
I was overcome with a wave of peace unlike anything I had known in the prior 36 hours of struggle. In that moment He met me with such deep assurance that no, my faith is not lacking because I have not been healed. He knows the number of hairs on my head. He sees when every sparrow falls. And he even cares about cardboard crickets and childlike hearts. So I can accept that, at least for this season, His answer to my prayer for healing has simply been “no” and that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been answered.
In the end I’m back at Jesus’ question to the sick man by the Sheep Gate pool in John 5, “Do you want to get well?” I cry out, “Yes Lord, you know I want to be well!” Yet this truth, that I do want health and would readily and joyfully accept such a gift from the Lord in an instant should He choose to heal me, is tempered by the understanding that of all those people waiting by the pool, for some purpose known only to Him, Jesus chose to heal only one that day.
So rather than demanding a miracle (and throwing a fit that He’s not doing things my way) from the one who has already given more than I deserve by ransoming my life with the blood of His Son, I must humbly add, “Lord, not my will, but Yours be done.” I do not have to question why I wasn’t the “one” He planned for healing, but rather trust that God has some purpose in my pain, some reason to allow illness to remain in my body until the day He gives me a glorified one in Heaven. If He receives any measure of glory through my broken vessel, then praise the Lord! While I am ready for healing, I am also willing to continue trusting Him and depending on Him day-by-day if physical healing is not His perfect plan for my life.
Surprises come in all shapes and sizes, sometimes blindsiding, sometimes shockingly joyfully. I’m thankful for both kinds He brought into my life last month because they each challenged me to assure that I was not living in complacency. I had become “comfortable” with my illness again, and while I do feel God has a purpose in my pain, it’s good to be shaken up and look at faith from a fresh perspective from time to time. Though the deep probing of my heart was painful, I am thankful for the chance to be reaffirmed in my position of trust in God’s plan. And a cricket’s chirping, be it real or electronic, will forever more be a beautiful reminder to me of God’s surprises!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Asking for Prayer
I have a chronic illness that stems back to a virus I had as a child and the acute onset of additional complications my freshman year of college. I've lived my entire adult life battling pain and debilitating fatigue and a range of other symptoms, but some seasons are better than others. At my worst I spent 2 years nearly entirely bedridden, so I am very thankful for every day I can get out of bed and function at a reasonably normal level.
Having said that, I am going through a pretty rough season right now and could use some extra encouragement and prayers. I am seeing a wonderful doctor (one of the world's leading specalists in his field!) and am receiving the most in depth care I've had in 20 years. I am very thankful!
But my current treatments are taking a toll on me and I'm struggling physically at a level I haven't faced on a daily basis in several years. My doctor had warned me that this 6 weeks of treatment could make me feel a lot worse before I started seeing any benefits, and for the first 2 weeks I thought I had gotten off pretty easily. But the harder parts hit with vengance a few days ago and I know I still have 3 1/2 weeks ahead of me for this particular treatment.
Thank you for your prayers. I am striving to "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12). These struggles, while seemingly all-consuming to me in the midst of them, are truly "light and momentary" (2 Corinthians 4:17) in the grand scope of eternity and even God's plan for my life here and now! Even so, I can so easily loose sight of God's grace and mercy and start down the path of self-pitty when I know that choosing joy is the better path on all counts! So your prayers are a blessing and I humbly ask you to uphold me before the Lord at this time, yes, for physical endurance and even healing if it is the Lord's good pleasure to grant this blessing. But most of all I ask your prayers that my heart would remain right before Him in the midst of this current struggle and that I would continue feeding on the joy of the Lord.
Having said that, I am going through a pretty rough season right now and could use some extra encouragement and prayers. I am seeing a wonderful doctor (one of the world's leading specalists in his field!) and am receiving the most in depth care I've had in 20 years. I am very thankful!
But my current treatments are taking a toll on me and I'm struggling physically at a level I haven't faced on a daily basis in several years. My doctor had warned me that this 6 weeks of treatment could make me feel a lot worse before I started seeing any benefits, and for the first 2 weeks I thought I had gotten off pretty easily. But the harder parts hit with vengance a few days ago and I know I still have 3 1/2 weeks ahead of me for this particular treatment.
Thank you for your prayers. I am striving to "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12). These struggles, while seemingly all-consuming to me in the midst of them, are truly "light and momentary" (2 Corinthians 4:17) in the grand scope of eternity and even God's plan for my life here and now! Even so, I can so easily loose sight of God's grace and mercy and start down the path of self-pitty when I know that choosing joy is the better path on all counts! So your prayers are a blessing and I humbly ask you to uphold me before the Lord at this time, yes, for physical endurance and even healing if it is the Lord's good pleasure to grant this blessing. But most of all I ask your prayers that my heart would remain right before Him in the midst of this current struggle and that I would continue feeding on the joy of the Lord.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Personal Update
I would say that I'm 90=95% recovered from my actual surgery now. And on many levels I feel so much better to be free of the issues that brought about surgery in the first place! I've had occasional moments of emotional struggle (it is now physically impossible for me to ever conceive or carry another baby - even though we have been blessed with living children, this is still something pretty major to process after all those years of infertility), but overall I've had great, overwhelming, only-God-explained peace from the standpoint of emotional ramifications. I know the surgery needed to happen and am glad it is over with.
It's taken me this long to post again because just two weeks after surgery I was faced with some pretty significant health news of a totally different kind, this time related to the other chronic health issues that I've lived with for over 18 years. I had undergone a serious round of medical testing early in 2008 and finally received my full results the last week of December. I'm still trying to process all of this news, the ramifications (both immediate and long-term) and what parts I'm ready to blast out into cyberspace or what parts I feel the need to keep more private for a season. I've always been an "open book" with my health issues, but this time I just don't feel ready to share all the details to an unlimited, and sometimes unknown, audience just yet.
At this point I'll simply say that I'm doing a lot of deep thinking and reflecting and journaling at this stage. I'm pretty sure that many of the things God is teaching me right now will probably eventually make it to this blog, either along with specifics of the medical issues behind those reflections, or at the very least as devotional commentary applicable to a wide range of heartaches. So I ask your forgiveness in advance if I have some quiet seasons, but please understand that my quietness does not mean I'm ignorning this blog, just preparing my heart for what God would have me share in the future.
The one thing I do feel ready to say is that God has been working on my heart in the area of joyfulness. Over the past 3 years God has given me the "theme word" of hope, starting with the title of my book (that was not the working title I used when writing it, but the title that was given by my publisher and ultimately proved to be the perfect choice), and confirmed over and over again by vaious things God kept doing in my life through that season.
Now I'm not saying that I'm "loosing hope" for I think hope and all it's accompanying Scriptures and lessons will always hold a special place in my heart. But to that hope, God is now adding joy and I feel that I have a new "theme word" for this new year. Joy is something I found myself actively pursuing, delighting to be finding on deeper levels in the Lord, and excited to delve deeper into this year. I look forward to sharing more with you on this topic in the days to come.
It's taken me this long to post again because just two weeks after surgery I was faced with some pretty significant health news of a totally different kind, this time related to the other chronic health issues that I've lived with for over 18 years. I had undergone a serious round of medical testing early in 2008 and finally received my full results the last week of December. I'm still trying to process all of this news, the ramifications (both immediate and long-term) and what parts I'm ready to blast out into cyberspace or what parts I feel the need to keep more private for a season. I've always been an "open book" with my health issues, but this time I just don't feel ready to share all the details to an unlimited, and sometimes unknown, audience just yet.
At this point I'll simply say that I'm doing a lot of deep thinking and reflecting and journaling at this stage. I'm pretty sure that many of the things God is teaching me right now will probably eventually make it to this blog, either along with specifics of the medical issues behind those reflections, or at the very least as devotional commentary applicable to a wide range of heartaches. So I ask your forgiveness in advance if I have some quiet seasons, but please understand that my quietness does not mean I'm ignorning this blog, just preparing my heart for what God would have me share in the future.
The one thing I do feel ready to say is that God has been working on my heart in the area of joyfulness. Over the past 3 years God has given me the "theme word" of hope, starting with the title of my book (that was not the working title I used when writing it, but the title that was given by my publisher and ultimately proved to be the perfect choice), and confirmed over and over again by vaious things God kept doing in my life through that season.
Now I'm not saying that I'm "loosing hope" for I think hope and all it's accompanying Scriptures and lessons will always hold a special place in my heart. But to that hope, God is now adding joy and I feel that I have a new "theme word" for this new year. Joy is something I found myself actively pursuing, delighting to be finding on deeper levels in the Lord, and excited to delve deeper into this year. I look forward to sharing more with you on this topic in the days to come.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
When All is Stripped Away
The following blog entry was first written last April for my Inner Beauty Girlz blog. If you are struggling with things you wish you could accomplish but running up against limitations, I pray that it will be a blessing to you today. I thought to repost it because I have been feeling much of the same discouragement lately and after reading The Crippled Lamb
to my daughter as I tucked her in for bed tonight, I was once again encouraged. That story never fails to uplift me!
-------
Sitting in church a couple of weeks ago I was simply too tired to stand for the singing time. This isn't at all uncommon - I sit through music time more often than I'm able to stand. (There were years when I rarely could leave the house to attend church at all, so just being able to be there is HUGE!) But as I am sitting I am usually singing and Signing (Sign Language) and stiving to give my whole heart over to worship.
Unfortunately, I started having asthma attacks about 3 years ago and I've found singing to be a frequent trigger. So on weeks when I can't sing either, I grab my inhailer, stop the asthma attack in its tracks, and consentrate on joining in musical worship through Sign. Recently I've found my arms to "heavy" and the pain too instense even to Sign consistantly. So a couple of weeks ago I sat there in church feeling very dejected and asking the Lord what I had left to give. How I could participate in corporate worship when I had nothing left to offer, no strenght to stand, no breath to sing, no ability to even lift my hands in praise?
Though not the song being sung that morning, He immediately reminded me of the words of Matt Redman's song, "The Heart of Worship" (view on uTube link below). A few of the lines are:
When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come
Longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless your heart...
I’m coming back to the heart of worship, and it’s all about You, Jesus...
What a great reminder that everything else is external (physical strength, the gifts of voice and hands, every breath I draw) but true worship, like true beauty, is internal. When everything else is stripped away, I am still of worth, I can still be whole, because of who Jesus Christ is. He is worthy of all I am, all I have to offer, even when my offerings are meager.
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm 51:17 (NIV)
If you or someone you love is struggling with health issues, check out Rest Ministries, a wonderful organization providing support and encourgement in the face of any and every kind of chronic health challenge. This group was started by a friend of mine and has grown into an international ministry offering local support group chapters, a print magazine and many forms of online support including daily email devotionals, message bords and much more.
(If you are reading this via email and can't view the video, be sure to drop by the Hope Harvesters™ Blog to see this beautiful video for yourself.)
"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
- Psalm 73:26 (New International Version)
to my daughter as I tucked her in for bed tonight, I was once again encouraged. That story never fails to uplift me!-------
Sitting in church a couple of weeks ago I was simply too tired to stand for the singing time. This isn't at all uncommon - I sit through music time more often than I'm able to stand. (There were years when I rarely could leave the house to attend church at all, so just being able to be there is HUGE!) But as I am sitting I am usually singing and Signing (Sign Language) and stiving to give my whole heart over to worship.
Unfortunately, I started having asthma attacks about 3 years ago and I've found singing to be a frequent trigger. So on weeks when I can't sing either, I grab my inhailer, stop the asthma attack in its tracks, and consentrate on joining in musical worship through Sign. Recently I've found my arms to "heavy" and the pain too instense even to Sign consistantly. So a couple of weeks ago I sat there in church feeling very dejected and asking the Lord what I had left to give. How I could participate in corporate worship when I had nothing left to offer, no strenght to stand, no breath to sing, no ability to even lift my hands in praise?
Though not the song being sung that morning, He immediately reminded me of the words of Matt Redman's song, "The Heart of Worship" (view on uTube link below). A few of the lines are:
Longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless your heart...
I’m coming back to the heart of worship, and it’s all about You, Jesus...
What a great reminder that everything else is external (physical strength, the gifts of voice and hands, every breath I draw) but true worship, like true beauty, is internal. When everything else is stripped away, I am still of worth, I can still be whole, because of who Jesus Christ is. He is worthy of all I am, all I have to offer, even when my offerings are meager.
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm 51:17 (NIV)
If you or someone you love is struggling with health issues, check out Rest Ministries, a wonderful organization providing support and encourgement in the face of any and every kind of chronic health challenge. This group was started by a friend of mine and has grown into an international ministry offering local support group chapters, a print magazine and many forms of online support including daily email devotionals, message bords and much more.
(If you are reading this via email and can't view the video, be sure to drop by the Hope Harvesters™ Blog to see this beautiful video for yourself.)
"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
- Psalm 73:26 (New International Version)
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